Of course, a loving father and mother understand that in each of their children they need to see, first of all, a unique personality, and find the strength to develop their individual abilities, regardless of what other children are doing. And the main thing is to find time to communicate with each child separately from the others in order to establish contact and close relationships. But still, any parent is interested in learning about the most vulnerable aspects of the family hierarchy in order to pay more attention to some children and support others.
The first damn thing is lumpy
If you choose between the position of the eldest and the youngest in the family, it seems to me that the latter is much easier. Because if a brother-sister is born after the older one, there is not enough time and energy for the first-born, and if, on the contrary, he remains alone for several years, then too much attention is paid to him. Dad and mom, grandparents - everyone rushes to EDUCATE the only one, the eldest. But it is he who is loved “one on one”. He does not share his parents or all his relatives with anyone. They feel some special feeling towards him - when the first-born is born, all other matters in comparison with his appearance become small and tertiary.
They say that “the first child is the last doll.” But more often, another proverb comes to mind - about “the first pancake is lumpy”: they dress and swaddle you wrong, they feed and water you wrong, they put you to bed wrong. On the other hand, it is with the first child that mothers and even fathers carefully read smart books, ask for advice from more experienced parents, and it is the first child that is taken to the doctors, given a massage and shown to specialists. They take him for walks in the park every day and go to early development groups. Sometimes, however, to such an extent that when the time comes to enroll in school, he reports that he is already tired of studying.
They say that the childhood of the first one ends when the next one is born. Mom gave birth to a brother and now she thinks that the elder should help her - “bring a diaper, give a pacifier, throw it away, go play, take a walk, buy it...” There’s more to come. There was a mother in the room with me, who asked her eldest twenty-year-old son to pick her up from the maternity hospital - they say, dad is busy at work, and you come and pick her up. All parents expect help and support from their older child. And there's nothing wrong with that. The child grows up responsible, he helps his parents. It is not for nothing that, according to statistics, most often older girls from large families become teachers or doctors. Organization, the ability to establish contact, creativity - this is what being a senior teaches.
Children often rejoice at the opportunity to participate in “adult life.” At a certain age, “helping parents” is perceived with great pleasure, but all parents should remember that taking dirty diapers to the trash can with a keen sense of novelty once or twice, such help quickly becomes boring, and the feeling that mom is no longer “his” , is growing every day. With the appearance of a little “competitor,” the older one begins to literally “strangle” him with questions: do you love me, and who more, and why did you kiss him three times and me? The passion for the pacifier and bottle flares up again. Feelings of jealousy even in adulthood, especially if the number of children in the family does not exceed two, can be difficult to suppress. Even if the difference between the children is significant, the parents are still forced to answer the questions of the grown-up elders: “why are you going to his Christmas tree, but you didn’t go to mine,” “why are he having birthday parties, but not me.” A 14-year-old boy I know is always offended if people don’t buy him lollipops like his three-year-old brother.
Revolutionary Crusader Scientists
Somehow boys have no luck at all. They immediately rush to introduce them to everyone around them as “heirs”; only one question arises: what? In good old England there was a good saying: “The history of this country is written by the younger sons,” because it was the eldest who got the title, money, power, and the younger ones had to spin around and make their own way in life. They were the ones who went on crusades, explored new lands and conquered foreign countries.
In the center of Riga there is still the House of the Blackheads, decorated with a relief of the Catholic Saint Mauritius, who was a black Moor, the youngest son in his family. This saint was chosen as their patron by the Brotherhood of the Blackheads - the younger sons of noble families, who, during the primordacy, ensured the prosperity of the Hansa, a union of Baltic trading cities, with their business endeavors. But primogeniture is a thing of the past - the indivisibility of inheritance remained in the Middle Ages. Now, when talking about an heir, people mean something else. Let's say the first child enters school, and he is looked at as a representative of the family - how he will behave, study, and, accordingly, what to expect from his younger brothers and sisters. The eldest is used to judge the rest of the children and the family as a whole.
There is an interesting theory: older children, to whom parents subconsciously delegate part of their authority (“Keep an eye on your brother,” “Go to your sister’s class, see if her textbook is there,” “Pick up from school, feed her lunch,” etc.). ), become guardians of traditional parental values. The younger ones, on the contrary, are innovators and revolutionaries, they made discoveries in science and art - remember Johann Sebastian Bach and Dmitry Mendeleev. This theory would be beautiful and harmonious if Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein were not the eldest sons in their families, and there are many such examples.
Younger children are often more infantile than older children - they no longer demand so much from them, perhaps because their parents no longer have so much strength; the younger ones are forgiven more. Even in adulthood, they seem to be waiting for someone to solve their problems. Elders often rely only on themselves and assess reality more objectively. On the other hand, younger children know from early childhood that their older brother or sister is physically stronger than them, so it is easier for them to learn to negotiate than to get their way by force. Later, when they become adults, the “younger ones” often demonstrate good communication skills - the ability to negotiate, give in, and compromise.
However, not all disputes between elders and younger ones - whether they are of the same sex or different - can be resolved with the help of words. Fights between brothers and sisters are quite common. Moreover, it is most often impossible to find out who is to blame for what happened: the younger one started, but the older one provoked him, and did it because the younger one ruined something or took it without asking, but in turn, he did this because... An endless tangle that the parent unwinds until the next conflict arises between the children. And everything repeats itself again. It’s easier to simply separate the fighters into different rooms without finding out which of them was the first in this particular quarrel. After sitting alone for five to ten minutes, kids usually find the right words to sort things out.
The most unfortunate
If you weigh on imaginary scales who is more fortunate or unlucky - the older or the younger - I think the scales will stop exactly in the middle. Everyone's position has its own difficulties. But this is precisely why middle children often become the most vulnerable among brothers and sisters - they have the disadvantages of the position of the elders and the youngest, but do not have their advantages. After all, the middle child was never the only child with his parents, but at the same time, the bonuses of the youngest also passed him by. Parents often rely on the education of their older children, on their successful socialization; their father, mother, and grandparents often pamper and pity the younger ones. But the middle one remains somewhere on the sidelines.
Trying to try on the role of either the elder or the younger, he cannot fully realize himself in each of these roles. If he shows leadership qualities, the older ones subconsciously suppress them; if he wants to indulge like a younger one, his parents say: “Well, why are you acting like a little kid, you’re an older brother, you should set an example.” It is believed that he can grow up to be self-critical and anxious, since it is difficult for him to find his individual role in the family hierarchy; it seems to him that life is unfair, but he is forced to get used to it. Alfred Adler, the author of the inferiority complex theory, wrote that the middle child is under constant pressure from both sides - “struggling to get ahead of his older brother, and afraid that the younger one will catch up with him.” Psychologists believe that average children often try to attract the attention of their parents by not being very good; by doing this they want to draw attention to themselves. Also, those who do not receive enough mother's care may get sick more often than their brothers and sisters. Subconsciously, they know that if they get sick, they will receive something that they are deprived of in ordinary everyday life.
But still, the position of the middle ones also has its advantages - those who are constantly between seniors and juniors know how to communicate with both. As a result, communication skills with people are the strong point of the middle child in the family.
Psychologists also pay attention not only to the ordinal number of the child in the family, but also to the gender ratio among children - younger brother of sisters, older brother of brothers. There are quite a lot of such behavior patterns, and the often described signs and qualities of certain family members correspond to what you actually encounter in life. But still, the set of life circumstances (born second after an older brother and has three younger sisters) does not exhaust a person. I think any parent is interested in learning about the most vulnerable aspects of the family hierarchy in order to pay attention to some, support others, etc. But, on the other hand, a loving father and mother understand that in each of their children they need to see, first of all, a unique personality, and find the strength to develop their individual abilities, regardless of what the eldest son or daughter does. And the main thing is to find time to communicate with each child separately from others in order to establish contact and close relationships that will help him in the future overcome stereotypes and go beyond a certain social model.
Anastasia OTROSHCHENKO
If you have several children in your family, you have probably come across stereotypes and myths on this topic more than once. This is not surprising, since the idea that the order in which a person is born into a family affects his personality has been around for centuries and is common in different cultures around the world. The only problem is that in reality everything is not quite like that. Research shows that the order in which children are born does not have a significant impact on their intelligence or personality. In short, it’s time to sort out some stereotypes and dispel them. It is possible that this information will change the way you view your family. 
The first child in the family likes to be in charge
There is an idea that children who come first into the family like to be in charge, but this is not always the case. This trait is most common in families where the older child has responsibility for looking after the younger ones. However, if the parents do not use the child's help very often, this trait may not develop. In a word, as in most situations, everything depends on the specific parents, and not on the order in which the child is born. 
Middle children don't get attention
Some people are convinced that the middle children in the family are most often ignored. However, this is not at all the case. Middle children are a kind of bridge between the oldest and youngest child, so they get a lot of attention. In addition, this is a fairly common stereotype, so many parents try to pay attention to the middle child purposefully. As a result, such a problem does not manifest itself in such a family at all. 
The youngest child gets the most attention
Don’t think that the youngest child is the one who gets babysat the most. On the contrary, in a large family, parents begin to take a simpler approach to upbringing, which means that the youngest child receives more freedom and has greater responsibility. Don't assume that younger children are always spoiled. Statistics indicate that this is absolutely not the case. 
Firstborns are more ambitious
It is believed that firstborns are always more ambitious than other children, but this is not true. Research does show that firstborns do impressive things, but ambition is tied to the family you're born into, not the order in which you were born. If parents encourage children to strive for success and self-development, they will be ambitious, no matter whether they are the firstborn or the youngest child. 
Middle children know how to negotiate
If the child was the middle child in the family, he probably had to resolve conflicts all the time, right? Not really. Many are convinced that middle children play the role of mediators between older and younger children, however, researchers have found that in reality everything is different. Middle children are more empathetic, but are not willing to make concessions. In general, the ability to establish communication with others is determined only by a person’s personality and character. Family characteristics do not play a big role. 
Younger children are the most adorable
Younger children are supposed to develop a special charm because they need to stand out from the rest somehow. This is not always the case. Many children simply learn behavior from the example of their elders, and as a result they do not need to constantly use charm. They behave exactly like everyone else in the family, just because of their age they can sometimes be more open and spontaneous. This is what causes the stereotype. 
Firstborns are more responsible
Do you think that your responsible approach to business has something to do with the fact that you were the first child in the family? You are wrong. Research shows that the order in which a child appears in a family does not in any way affect the tendency to display responsible behavior. As in most other situations described in this list, everything is determined mainly by the individuality of the child and how the parents approach the issue of upbringing. If you strive to instill responsible behavior in your child, he will show these qualities, no matter how many brothers and sisters he has and in what order they appeared. 
Middle children are more antisocial
It is assumed that less attention may lead to a tendency towards antisocial behavior, but in reality this is not the case. Research shows that middle children are often the most active and outgoing members of the family. In general, everything is determined by personal characteristics, and not by family characteristics. 
Younger children are more likely to follow in the footsteps of older children
There is a myth that younger children are delighted with older ones and tend to follow in their footsteps. This is actually a meaningless stereotype. Researchers have found that younger children are even more likely to listen to their own interests than those born before them. If a person behaves compliantly, this only speaks of his gentle character, and not of the fact that he was the last born in the family. 
Firstborns are more likely to take risks
It is assumed that the first child is more willing to take risks because he wants to set an example for the younger children, however, this is not the case. According to research, the youngest child is usually the least afraid of risk, but the older ones, on the contrary, are the most wary. Scientists do not have an exact explanation for why this happens. Perhaps this manifests itself in families where the elders tend to care more about the younger ones and therefore behave more carefully. 
Middle children are less likely to succeed
Do you think the average child is less likely to strive for success than his siblings? Fortunately, this is not the case at all. Scientists have found that sometimes middle children even outperform older and younger ones. If a child is purposeful and ambitious, the order of appearance in the family will definitely not interfere with his life. 
Younger children are the most successful
Many people think that paying more attention to the youngest children in the family guarantees maximum success, but this is not the case at all. According to statistics, in most cases the eldest child in the family is the most successful, however, there are exceptions to every rule, and anyone can achieve success. 
The first child is friendlier
It may seem logical that the eldest child in the family should be the friendliest, because he is the one who needs to make concessions all the time in order to get along with the younger ones. In fact, everything is not like that. According to research, the order of birth does not in any way affect the degree of friendliness of a person, everything is determined solely by his character. 
Middle children follow the rest
Contrary to popular belief, middle children are not so driven. Scientists have found that middle children can be quite goal-oriented and have impressive leadership qualities. After all, Warren Buffett, Abraham Lincoln and Bill Gates were middle children. This demonstrates quite clearly that the average child does not have to be compliant and shy. 
Younger children are more likely to play pranks
The youngest child in the family will not necessarily be such a naughty person. In fact, contrary to the popular belief that younger children are more prone to bad behavior, researchers have found that there is no basis for this stereotype. It’s just that the younger child behaves according to his age; in contrast to the more conscious behavior of the older ones, this may seem like a prank.
Psychological aspects
Walter Towman's research [Toman, 1976] shows that people's behavior patterns and reactions are largely determined by whether they were the eldest, middle, youngest, or only child in the family. After studying thousands of families, he found that people occupying similar positions in the family by birth order have very similar psychological characteristics. Stereotypes don't mean that everyone has to be like that. However, this means that people born into a family in one order or another most often have precisely these psychological characteristics.
The eldest child in the family
The eldest child is often characterized by responsibility, conscientiousness, desire for achievement, and ambition. Such a child is more likely than others to take care of younger brothers and sisters, especially in the event of illness or loss of parents. He may feel responsible for the material well-being of the family, the continuation of family traditions, and often becomes a leader. The birth of the next child deprives him of his exclusive position in possessing the mother's love and attention and is often accompanied by jealousy of the brother or sister.
Older children, especially boys, are more likely than others to inherit the professions of their father and grandfather; the family is more likely to expect a successful career from them. The older child is more serious, strives for perfection and plays less often with peers. A fairly common problem for older children is the anxiety of not meeting the expectations of parents and other authority figures (bosses, teachers, coaches, etc.). It is very difficult for them to learn to relax and truly enjoy life. Of the famous people, the eldest children were Winston Churchill, Boris Yeltsin, Raisa Gorbacheva.
Middle child in the family
The middle child may have characteristics of both the younger and older child, or a combination of both. The middle child, unless he is the only girl or the only boy in the family, is forced to fight to be noticed and to get his role and place in the family. Such children do not have the authority of older children and the spontaneity of younger ones. Alfred Adler, by the way, being the second son himself, noted: “The second child in the family is under constant pressure from both sides - fighting to get ahead of his older brother, and fearing that the younger one will catch up with him...” [Adler, 1970 ].
If there are many children in a family, then the character traits of the middle children are determined by the group of children they were born into: among the younger ones or among the older ones, and what is the age difference between them. Middle children have very developed social skills. They know how to negotiate and get along with different people because they were forced to learn to live in peace with their older and younger brothers and sisters, endowed with different personalities.
The youngest child in the family
The youngest child is carefree, optimistic and ready to accept other people's patronage, care and support. For his family, he can remain a child forever. Parents are less demanding of his achievements. And if the older children in the family do not die, he devotes himself less to continuing the family’s business.
The main problems of the youngest child are related to self-discipline and difficulty making decisions, since usually there was someone older and wiser nearby who made decisions for the baby. The younger child knows that force in close relationships will not achieve anything, and often develops manipulative ways to achieve what he wants, demonstratively offended or trying to charm. If he was overprotected in the family, then by choosing an older child as a marriage partner, he can subsequently fight against the control and guardianship of his spouse. A younger child who has been treated well as a child usually has no social difficulties and is popular among friends. Alfred Adler, the author of the theory of the inferiority complex, wrote: “The position of the younger brother is always fraught with the danger of being spoiled and remaining a family child... He may become an artist, or, as a result of overcompensation, develop enormous ambitions and fight to be the savior of the whole family" [Adler, 1970].
Traditionally, the land plot and the castle went to the eldest son, and the younger ones went to seek their fortune in foreign lands. The biblical prodigal son was also the youngest in the family. Of the famous people, the eldest children were Winston Churchill, Boris Yeltsin, Raisa Gorbacheva. The characteristics of younger children are clearly expressed in Elizabeth Taylor and Bernard Shaw.
The only child in the family
An only child has the characteristics of both an older child and a younger one. An only child very often inherits the character traits of a parent of the same sex. Because parents have special expectations for their only child, he usually does well in school. Only children are often very closely attached to their parents throughout their lives and have great difficulty separating and living independently. Having fewer opportunities to play with other children, an only child can already resemble a small adult in childhood and feel quite comfortable alone. Only children, due to their greater attachment to their parents, often look for traits of their father or mother in their partner. The best prognosis for such individuals is marriage to a partner who had a younger brother or sister (for example, a wife who was the only daughter and a husband who had a younger sister). Marriages in which each spouse was an only child have the worst prognosis.
Twins in the family
For twins, the older/younger child parameters are also important and depend on the group of children they were born into. For example, twins who have an older sister or older brother will act like younger children. If parents especially emphasize that one of them was born first, then the roles of the eldest and the youngest are automatically divided. Twins score quite poorly on intelligence tests compared to other children. This is due to the fact that twins communicate more with each other and are less oriented toward adults and peers. In adulthood, same-sex twins experience particular difficulty in separating and finding their own identity.
Gender of the child
Also, parents’ attitudes regarding the child’s gender play an important role. Thus, in most families preference is given to sons. The older sister is often responsible for raising younger children and takes on some of the parenting responsibilities, while the younger brother receives fame and high parental expectations. There is a good chance that families with only girls will continue to try for a boy, while families with only sons will settle for fewer children. [Boverman et al., 1972].
If the age difference is more than five or six years, each of the children will have the character traits of an only child, and some qualities of the position to which the child is closest. For example, a sister’s older brother, who is ten years older than her, will most likely be the only son, as he has been for ten years, but the traits of an older child will also be noticeable in his behavior. The smaller the age difference, the more likely competition between siblings for achievements. For example, if there is only a year and a half difference between an older brother and a younger sister, then the time will come when the boy will feel afraid that he will be ahead of his younger sister, who is developing faster.
According to Toman's research [Toman, 1976], what is important for a stable marriage is the extent to which it repeats the position that each partner occupied among his brothers and sisters in his family.
There are complementary (mutually complementary), non-complementary and partially complementary marriages. It is also important to note that the complementarity of marriage does not guarantee the stability of the relationship.
IN complementary marriage With an older and younger child, it is easier for spouses to come to an agreement and adapt to each other. The roles in marriage are complementary, i.e. complement each other - one cares, the other accepts care; one plans, the other carries out these plans; one wants to go to work, the other prefers to stay at home, etc. The more the relationship of both partners resembles their own position in their parents' families, the stronger and longer lasting their connection.
Non-complementary marriage The relationships of partners with the same ordinal position in the parental family are considered. All other things being equal, they need more time and effort to agree with each other and act together. When two older children marry, the main psychological problem may be a struggle for power. The two younger children will avoid responsibility and compete to see who is younger and needs more care. The two youngest children may experience difficulties after the birth of children when the need for care and sharing responsibilities arises.
It is important whether the spouses had experience communicating with siblings of the opposite sex in their parental family. A wife who comes from a family where all the children were girls will probably perceive men as foreign and incomprehensible, and she will have to make more effort to understand her husband than a woman who had brothers.
Partners who occupy an identical position in the parental family get to know each other more easily and quickly reach mutual understanding. For example, a younger brother and a younger sister, an older brother and an older sister easily understand each other. The husband and wife, who were the eldest in their parents' family, know how to care for children and can replace each other if necessary, but they do not cooperate well. Partners with the same type maintain full agreement in marriage when they work in different fields, provide each other with a certain freedom, have different friends and raise children at the same time: for example, sons are raised by the father, and daughters by the mother.
One of the most painful issues for parents is the relationship between brothers and sisters. Contrary to adults' expectations, children often do not get along with each other. Especially if the elders have to look after the younger ones. Parents do not always realize that one child is designated as an adult and their responsibilities are transferred to him. At the same time, the elder does not receive any goodies: he has to, period.
Teacher Marina Solotova talks about why children dream of getting rid of their younger brothers and sisters, and what parents need to consider when they are planning a new addition to the family.
At the age of 12 I was so coddled that I don’t want my own
Nastya has two little twin sisters. Nastya is sure that her mother loves them more than her, Nastya. Because their mother brings them Kinder surprises every evening, but doesn’t bring them to her, Nastya. One can understand my mother - she is sure, and probably not without reason, that fifteen-year-old Nastya does not need Kinders.
Nastya’s duties also include preparing porridge and casseroles for her sisters. Because mom doesn’t have time to do all the housework. Nastya admits that the word “casserole” gives her pain.
Nastya also learned to hide her old dolls. At 15 years old, of course, she doesn’t need them at all, but Nastya doesn’t want her sisters to play with her toys.
Nastya is most offended by the fact that she cannot go to the pool. Given her numerous extracurricular activities, she only has time for this in the evening. But in the evening she has to pick up her sisters from kindergarten and bring them home - mom doesn’t have time to get to kindergarten on time, she’s working.
Nastya cannot go on a trip with us during the holidays. Because in a family with three children there is not enough money for this. “But if I were alone,” says Nastya, “there would be enough for me!”
Nastya doesn’t really understand why she has to endure all these troubles - she didn’t give birth to sisters, she wasn’t even asked if she wanted to increase her family!
But at the age of 15, the girl dreams of one thing: how she will graduate from school and leave home for another city, where there are no younger sisters. And all my talk about how sisters are great, that they are happiness, that having many family members is a gift from God, is useless. Nastya does not see the prospects that she has in connection with the presence of sisters in some distant future. She is sure that her life today would be much happier and more interesting if there were no younger children in the family.
First the nanny, then the doll?
At our journalism school, almost every student has younger brothers and sisters. It was the younger ones - it just so happened. And how differently our guys treat them!
There is a girl, Lena, who runs from class to kindergarten after her brother with a constant smile, anticipating the joy of meeting the baby. When she talks about her brother, she lights up. Lena never goes on trips with us because she really likes to stay at home with her brother during the holidays.
There is a boy Misha, whom his parents sent to live with his grandfather in a neighboring house because he was completely out of control, and a mother with three younger boys (one of whom is an infant) does not find the time and energy to fully communicate with her eldest son, who has entered puberty. Olya prefers to pretend that she doesn’t hear when it comes to the younger children in the family. And Ramil declares before each trip that he will only go with his brother. My brother doesn’t study with us, he has completely different interests and hobbies, but the boys don’t like to be separated for a long time.
Remember the saying: “First the nanny, then the doll”? Well, it seems like this is a tradition in our families - older children must fulfill a whole range of responsibilities in relation to the younger ones. And it is also believed that they, children, should enjoy it. The same as parents. It happens that they do. But not all.
“I was so coddled as a child that I don’t want my own”
Here are some reviews on this topic in one of the social networks from adults:
“My sister and I are 10 years apart. She stayed with me for 3 months. I did everything (washing, ironing diapers, swaddling, rocking, walking, feeding every 3 hours, changing diapers, games, fairy tales, lullabies, etc.), and voluntarily. Help mom. And then I took my sister to the ballroom dancing section from the age of 6. And then my sister moved with me to another city. 10th, 11th grade, parent meetings, admission to university. Everything is voluntary. But I was so busy that now I’m 30 years old, and I don’t really want my own children. All stages of upbringing were enough for me.”
“They forced me to take care of my younger sister, and I think it’s a DISGRACE! I didn't want to do this, so I only had one child and never planned on two, and I DO NOT REGRET IT! And even maternal capital didn’t inspire me to do THIS! “Thank you” to the parents for having no love for their children; they killed her at the age of five.”
“I’ll tell you about my family. Mom has three daughters. And the older sister first had to mess with the middle one, and then with me, the younger one. As a student, I asked my elder: what was it like to babysit, did you like it? To which a clear answer was given: you were constantly yelling, you had to clean up after you, educate, change diapers, feed, so now I don’t want to have children of my own! Like this... In another family (acquaintances) there was approximately the same situation, the parents work, and the eldest child cannot play or rest until the parents arrive.”
“Think before you give birth. My sister and I are 8 years apart.
At the age of 12, my childhood ended. My sister was completely on me; I forgot what my own life was like.
To the point that I went with her to doctors, to parent-teacher meetings at school instead of my mother... And at the age of 15 they already called me her mother. It wasn't very pleasant."
“The age difference with my two sisters is 8 and 10 years. Since I was 8 years old, I have had to do ironing and cleaning every day (cleaning up children's poop, washing dirty onesies), not to mention the fact that they need to be rocked and played with... Once, due to my oversight (I'm 9 years old), my sister fell out of bed, so I also they knocked me on the head and sent me out the door hungry to school, in short, complete horror. Well, yes, we grew up, the relationship with my sisters is normal, but I’m offended by my mother for my childhood, and plus I can’t stand ironing.”
The eldest child never stops being a child!
Yes, I know everything about our traditions, family values and everything else. And I know many examples when children in families are friends, take care of each other and do not consider this care a heavy duty. Because the parents in these families adhere to a very simple rule: the eldest child never ceases to be a child!
In such families, with the birth of a younger child, the eldest does not lose parental attention. He is still loved, still surrounded by care, and there is always enough time for him. Because parents, when deciding on a second (third, fourth...), understood that now their love, attention and time were multiplied by two (three, four...). Yes, babies require the constant presence of their mother. Yes, it’s not easy to carve out time from your schedule for normal communication with your grown-up son or daughter, especially since they don’t particularly require it - they sit at their computer and don’t bother anyone. Personally, I really like it when mom and dad have a set time for each child. Saturday from 10 to 16 - mom's time. And Sunday from 12 to 17 is daddy’s. We spend it the way the elder wants: a movie, a cafe, a walk, a trip - whatever. But this time is sacred. A clear schedule allows parents to plan their weekends in advance so that the elder is not left behind. And the very presence of this watch proves to the child that he is still needed and loved.
How often do families with children of different ages hear: “He’s small!” or “You’re big!” And most often these statements are not in favor of the elder.
That is, “You’re big” means that you need to give up something, sacrifice something, something is impossible.
Yes, sometimes this is true. But balance is needed. And along with the above, “You’re big” should mean that you can take advantage of something, something is allowed to you, your opinion is taken into account. You are an authority that we, your parents, actively support. And if you take part with us in raising your youngest, then you also participate in the discussion of important family issues with the right to vote. And then the teenager will feel the advantages of his position.
Where there is a senior assistant, the temptation to shift part of your responsibility onto him is very high. Another comment from the social network: “I have four. I remember the day when I told my daughter: “Lisa, it depends on you how the younger ones will study. Whether you like it or not, this is a genetic law. And so, she has been an excellent student all her life, and so has everyone else. I didn’t mentor anyone, I didn’t hire tutors.” Let's imagine the state of a child who now has to study for four. Yes, a child can help his parents with his younger brother, but he, unlike his parents, is not responsible for his life, studies, development, and upbringing!
One day we decided that we wanted another family member
It is very important to respect the elder’s right to personal time, personal space, personal belongings and other “personal” things. Do you need to stay with your brother on Saturday because you have work to do? Agree on Monday, ideally first asking if the person has any plans. And yes - not always, if plans coincide in time, the eldest child, and not the parents, should abandon theirs.
My sister is almost 10 years younger than me. I will remember for the rest of my life the day when mom and dad said that today we would have a family council. For me, 9 years old, this was a real event. Because at our first family council we decided (WE, I decided too!) that we wanted another family member. When Lenka was born, I was in seventh heaven. Because I already knew that my life would now become much more interesting.
In more than 40 years, I can’t remember a single time when we quarreled. And now, from the perspective of age, I can confidently say: thank you, mom and dad. You have not been around for a long time, but my sister and I remain the closest and dearest people. Because you have never sacrificed our interests for another. Because you taught us this relationship. Because your love with the advent of my little sister was doubled, not divided in half.
Do you remember the famous fairy-tale story, how three brothers take turns wooing a princess, how they pass various tests so that one of them turns out to be the happy husband of the beauty, and at the same time inherits half the kingdom?
Fairy-tale beauties in such a situation usually prefer the youngest of the brothers, who at first glance seemed to everyone to be a fool. How are things going in life? Does birth order affect family life, character, relationships? American psychologist R.W. Richardson compiled his classification of typical siblings.
Who's first?
Grandfather Freud once remarked that “the position of a child among his sisters and brothers is of the utmost importance in his entire subsequent life.” It is known, for example, that older children in the family more often take the role of leader; they are achievement-oriented. Younger children are more communicative and it is easier for them to adapt to various life situations. According to the rules of combinatorics, there are not so many positions.
The eldest child can be: the elder brother of brothers, the elder brother of sisters, the elder sister of sisters, the elder sister of brothers. The youngest child has similar functions. There is also the position of the middle child, the only child and the twins.
However, when children have a large age difference (more than 5-6 years), then each of them approaches the characteristics of an only child. For example, if a girl was born into a family, and eight years later a boy was born, then the girl’s character will be closer to the “only daughter in the family,” but she will have the traits of the “older sister of the brothers.”
We would like to emphasize that this description is probabilistic. That is, usually people are exactly like this, but they do not have to fully correspond to one or another characteristic in everything. And therefore, the purpose of this description is to help understand why we are like this, and how the rest of the family members are not like us. All other things being equal, some couples get along better with each other only because their role positions successfully complement each other. For example, the younger sister of brothers usually strives for the older brother of the sisters; they are most comfortable together. They know how they should behave with each other; often, even at the first meeting, they have the feeling that they have known each other for a long time: after all, they find themselves in a familiar situation.
More complex relationships will develop between the older sister of sisters and the older brother of brothers. They were both used to being elders, having unquestioned authority, and neither of them had experience in relationships “as equals.” Conflicts on the topic “Who is the boss in the house?” inevitable. But knowing this, such conflicts are easier to control.
Older children
The eldest child, as a rule, is in many ways similar to the parent - a sort of little dad or little mom. They often take on the functions of a teacher, accept responsibility and strive for leadership. More than half of US presidents were the eldest sons, 21 of the 23 American astronauts were the first or only sons in the family. The elders are focused on high achievements, even to the point of mania (Hitler, for example, was also the eldest child in the family).
For the development of the personality of the eldest child, it matters who was born after him - brothers, sisters or both. For example, if a boy has a younger brother and sister, then his character will combine the traits of his brothers' older brother and his sisters' older brother.
Sisters' older sister
Usually this is a bright, strong and independent person who is able to show care for both himself and others. She has her own opinion on any subject, and has difficulty accepting help and advice from other people. The more sisters she has, the less chance she has for a successful marriage: she strives to arrange someone else’s life first, so sometimes she has no time or strength left for her own.
Ideal partner: the sisters' younger brother, accustomed to being around a strong woman. Her leadership can also be recognized by her brothers’ younger brother, as well as her only son, who is not inclined towards equal communication and perceives her in the role of a mother.
Difficult relationships: with the brothers' older brother. Both strive for leadership and constantly share power.
Best friends: usually these are younger and middle sisters. They will probably find a lot in common with their older sister, but this will only happen until they have nothing to share.
Brothers' older sister
A man for her is her “favorite toy.” She is able to sacrifice her own work to take care of her husband. Such a wife often replaces a man’s mother - so much so that the actual marital relationship fades into the background.
Ideal partner: sisters' younger brother. Everyone is happy: she has someone to educate, he has someone to put responsibility on.
Difficult relationships: with the brothers' older brother. By the way, when children appear in such a family, they often relieve tension in the marital struggle for leadership. After all, both parents like it when there are younger ones.
Best friends: as in the previous case, these are younger and middle sisters. Relationships with only daughters are also good.
Brothers' elder brother
Such boys usually make chefs, politicians, astronauts and even presidents. They like to be the first in everything; they usually treat themselves very pedantically and strive for perfection in every possible way. Usually the older brother is successful, but very rarely “opens his soul.” He expects a lot from his wife - much more than he actually receives.
Ideal partner: the younger sister of the brothers who were her authority.
Difficult relationships: with the sisters' older sister. Sexual conflicts and constant struggle for power are possible.
Sisters' older brother
Compared to the older brother of the brothers, this type of man is much easier to communicate with, and he is usually very helpful with women and attentive to them. He also gets along well with men, but still he feels less comfortable in male company. Likes to be a leader, but is not authoritarian.
Ideal partner: brothers' younger sister. She creates in their communication exactly the situations to which he is accustomed.
Difficult relationships: with the sisters' older sister. The reason is the same - conflicts over leadership. However, the habit of constantly communicating with women may smooth out these difficulties.
Younger children
Next to the youngest child there was always someone older and wiser who took care of him. Therefore, younger children often have difficulties with self-discipline and find it more difficult to make decisions. Younger children carry this attitude towards life into family life. They want their spouse to solve certain problems for them. However, the other extreme is also possible: tired of constant care, the youngest child becomes a “rebel.” In this case, he rejects any help and seeks to destroy the “old world” in any way, even in an adventurous way. By the way, there are also many adventurers among younger children.
And yet, the youngest child in the family is more often a follower than a leader, even if he rebels against the rules.
Sisters' younger sister
Usually she is a frivolous, cheerful woman, which does not prevent her from being capricious or disorganized at times. At any age, she loves adventure. She really likes to emphasize her feminine role - in relationships with both men and sisters (for example, she can “wipe their noses” by getting married before anyone else, as Lydia, the heroine of Jane Austen’s novel “Pride and Prejudice” did).
Ideal partner: sisters' older brother. He easily deals with her because he sees right through her tricks.
Difficult relationships: with the brothers' younger brother. Neither of them wants to take on a leading role, and at the same time, each partner had little experience with the opposite sex in childhood. The more sisters such a woman has (or the more closely they are related), the more she is drawn to her friends than to men, although at the same time she strives to be attractive.
Best friends: sisters' older sisters
Brothers' younger sister
Such a girl occupies a special position in the family, and she likes to maintain it throughout her life. This is, as a rule, an optimistic, pretty and enthusiastic woman. Her character can be very different: sometimes she can be a kind of “tomboy”-tomboy, sometimes too submissive, and sometimes too selfish. But the main thing is that she feels comfortable and safe among men.
Ideal partner: sisters' older brother. Both of them know well how to behave with the opposite sex, and at the same time successfully complement each other.
Difficult relationships: with the brothers' younger brother. As in the previous case, both partners hope that the other will take care of them.
Best friends: oddly enough, these are usually men (friends or mentors). Women often treat their brothers' younger sister with jealousy.
Brothers' younger brother
Unpredictable, does not like long-term plans, lives under the influence of his immediate desires. If things go badly, he usually just leaves because he doesn't like losses. He is used to receiving things easily and often, so he often becomes a spendthrift. He is sociable, but it is difficult for him to understand women.
Ideal partner: The brothers' older sister, especially if she looks like his mother. He is ready to agree with her control, however, he must retain at least the illusion of freedom.
Difficult relationships: with the sisters' younger sister. Neither of this couple wants to take responsibility for children and household.
Sisters' younger brother
Such a man usually spends his entire life under female care. Everyone's favorite and favorite (parents often believe that there should be at least one “heir” in the family, and continue trying until this heir finally appears, like, for example, the Mafiosi in the film “The Incredible Adventures of Italians in Russia "). Because of his special position, the "heir to the throne" usually doesn't have to work hard to stand out. His talents are fully manifested when there is a woman nearby who has taken care of him.
Ideal partner: brothers' older sister. She takes upon herself with pleasure the care of a “great man,” regardless of the degree of his “greatness.”
Difficult relationships: with the sisters' younger sister. Both partners are afraid of responsibility for children, so such couples often remain childless.
Middle children
This type is the most difficult to describe. After all, these children are both older and younger at the same time, so typological traits can be intertwined in their character in the most bizarre way. He competes all his life - with the older, more skillful and strong, and with the younger, helpless and more dependent. The middle child is deprived of the rights of the elder and the privileges of the younger, he is especially sensitive to the injustices of life. However, it is middle children who adjust best socially; they are usually friendly with everyone and actively seek friendships. Middle children often make excellent diplomats, secretaries, and hairdressers.
If the middle child is closer in age to the older one, he will look more like the older one. And vice versa - the closer to the youngest, the more similar they are.
Only child
Such a child is at the same time both the oldest and the youngest. He has fairly high self-esteem and demands quite a lot from life. Usually the only child is lucky; he has the highest scores on most tests of knowledge and “logical abilities”.
But at the same time, he is not used to close communication with other children and often simply does not know how to behave in close relationships.
Only son
As a rule, this is the favorite of parents, the subject of their pride and adoration. If the rest of the world treats him with the same enthusiasm, he takes it for granted, but if others perceive him differently, for him this is the greatest injustice. Alone with himself he feels most comfortable.
The only son often has several marriages - having become accustomed to parental care, he tries to find a wife who would make his life easier, without demanding anything in return.
Ideal partner: brothers' older sister. However, she will have to come to terms with the fact that all her life she will be more of a mother to her husband than a wife.
Difficult relationships: with her only daughter. Both of them are not used to close and at the same time equal relationships, both want to be in the role of a child.
Only daughter
Too mature and too childish at the same time. In many ways she is similar to her only son, so it is difficult for her to get along with him.
Ideal partner: older brother of the sisters (if she is closer in type to the younger daughter) or younger brother of the sisters (if she is strong and authoritarian).
Difficult relationships: with his only son. However, many conflicts are smoothed out if the couple has a common hobby or profession. Often, by mutual agreement, they decide not to have children.
Best friends: older or younger sisters of sisters. An only daughter is usually more eager to communicate than an only son.
Twins
If there are no other children in the family, then twins combine the features of younger and older children. However, if the parents emphasize that one of them was born earlier than the other, then this twin can take on the functions of the elder and communicate with the other as with the younger.
Geminis are the least likely to win the teacher's attention. Siblings or classmates have very little influence on them, as the twins are a small team to begin with. Typically, twins are unusually close to each other, so it is difficult for them to be separated even to organize their personal lives.
Of course, we in no way encourage you to change your partner just because he didn’t suit you by “birth order”! We only suggest taking a fresh look at your relationships and understanding why they work out the way they do.
Inessa Smyk
