The husband is the breadwinner, the wife is the keeper of the family hearth. This has been the case for centuries and even millennia. Today, the roles of men and women in the family have changed. And couples in which the wife forced carries everything on herself, and her husband transfers all activity to the sofa, they are practically never happy.
Those who are lucky, ride on them. Run diagnostics
Family security, including financial security, is his responsibility. The atmosphere in the relationship and the “weather in the house” are her responsibility. If a man does not fulfill his part of the obligations, his wife is forced to take care of the well-being of the family. As a result, torn between work and home, a woman loses strength, energy and health. A man is degrading, because for him work is an opportunity to prove to himself and others his importance.
Have you wondered who is responsible in your family, or just recognized yourself? Do you want to understand why this happened?
To answer this question, just do a simple exercise
Take two sheets of paper and a pen. Divide the first sheet of paper in half with a vertical line. In the first column, describe in detail what your man does for the family. And in the second - what you do.
Now count how many points are in the first column and how many are in the second. Ideally, a man’s contribution to family affairs and concerns is twice as much as yours. If this is not the case, it is important to determine the cause of the imbalance.
To do this, take a second sheet and also divide it into two columns. In the first, write what emotions the man brings to the family. And in the second - what emotions do you bring.
It is optimal when a man’s emotional contribution to the family atmosphere is half as much as yours. Only with such a proportion will a man feel a reliable rear and take responsibility for the family.
If it turns out that you do not give your husband enough emotions, then it is not strange that he lacks motivation to move forward and the desire to care.
If the test shows that you invest more in your family both financially and emotionally, it’s time. These recommendations will help you restore the energy balance in the family and make your man strong and responsible.
How to transfer responsibility to a man?
Tip #1: Leave the basic support for the family to the man.
Calculate your family's cost of living - add up expenses for rent, food, clothing, gasoline, etc. What percentage do you pay, and what percentage does your man pay? If the husband takes on 90 - 100% of the expenses, this is an ideal situation. If his contribution is less, begin to slowly transfer financial responsibility to him. Start, for example, by asking to pay for the Internet or telephone.
A woman should not carry anything heavier than a handbag! Therefore, stop carrying trunks and suitcases, moving furniture and doing other unfeminine work. If your husband is in no hurry to help you, ask a neighbor, an acquaintance, or a passing man.
Analyze how the household load is distributed in your family. Make a list of common tasks and what everyone is responsible for individually. It is important that both husband and wife are involved in raising children, and that each has at least one area of personal responsibility in which the other does not interfere.
Stop saving for fear of running out of money. A man feels your fear as distrust of his strength and capabilities. So he loses self-confidence. Don’t take part-time jobs, don’t feel sorry for your man. Believe in his talents and intelligence, that he can cope with any problems. Sincerely consider him support and protection, remind him of this if he suddenly gives in to difficulties.
Create a financial safety net with which the family can live peacefully for at least six months. A substantial amount will allow you to feel more confident in a crisis situation and calmly wait until the man resolves all financial issues.
Today, women often earn the same or even more than men. If your income exceeds your husband's income, never tell him about it. This not only hurts one’s pride, but also puts an end to the desire to achieve professional success. A man should feel like a leader, and money gives him this feeling.
A family is a closed energy system, and when one partner becomes active, the other relaxes. But if a woman in a relaxed state is filled with energy, then a man, on the contrary, loses it. and enjoy, and for a man to act and overcome obstacles.
Following these tips may be difficult at first. Most likely, you will be faced with your husband’s reluctance to change behavior and take responsibility for the well-being of the family. It is important not to stray from the chosen path, to be patient. It is in your power to help your family make a new start!
If you feel that the balance of “take” is disturbed in the family— give”, but you can’t figure out how to set it up, come or sign up on this issue.
I'm tired of men who don't want to take responsibility. Responsibility for your woman. To be honest, I don’t understand what they want at all!
Obviously, at my age, I associate with men with a past. They have one, or even several marriages behind them. Children, alimony, sold apartments and purchased apartments. Apartments left or taken away by ex-wives. Career ups and downs. Problems with health, with money. With parents. With women. With cars! This is a completely different story. A man and his cars. And then I appear in their lives. And all this falls on me. On my fragile shoulders. I sigh heavily and begin to rake.
A reasonable question: “Why do I need this?” Firstly, I still want a man next to me. I want love, affection and care. Secondly, if not me, then who? After all, I appeared in his life for a reason.
Let's start with the fact that I'm one of those rare women who doesn't fuck my brain. At all. Never. I listen and get involved in the process. I inspire, help and love. I'm not jealous. I don't delve into the past. I know how to be close. In the kitchen. In the bedroom. Fishing. In the garage. I know how to shut up in time and “go off into the fog.” For an hour. For a day. For a week. And come back when you need me. Yes, I don't want to get married. Yes, I'm not afraid of loneliness. But I want you to be near. I want to fall asleep with you. Cook you breakfast. Walk, go to the movies, go on vacation. I want to bring you joy!
I came from a meeting with my ex-wife and child. Sucks? I see. Here's the plate. Break it up. Feel better. Just don't take it out on me. It's not my fault that I'm not the mother of your children!
Lost your job? No problem. You'll find a new one. You are a brilliant programmer (driver, engineer, musician, janitor). Just don’t make a face when I come to visit you and bring a full bag of groceries. There is no need to say anything at all. Just go have dinner. With a smile. Open a bottle of wine. Hug, kiss. Because I want to, because it feels good. Find a job and take me to a good Italian restaurant. Or give flowers. Or just say “thank you.” Yes, you don’t have to say anything at all. I only do what I want. And if I’m now standing at your stove and cooking you borscht, then it gives me pleasure.
Yes, and please fix my chairs tomorrow and take me to Ikea. And the day after tomorrow, pick me up from the dance. And then there’s an immediate misunderstanding...
“Why is this suddenly? I have a lot to do. I need to look for a job (go fishing, make dumplings, see my son). You are the same as all women. You always need something. You’re not a little girl, learn to solve your problems yourself.”
I learned. But I want you to help me. A little bit. After all, I know your schedule very well and ask you for services exactly when you are free. And damn, you SHOULD feel good. Doesn't work. Fear of being used. Don't get it. Give more than you get in return.
Yes, I wanted to write about sex, but I realized that there was an ambush there, worse than with cars. Age, shortness of breath from smoking, blood pressure, watching porn the day before, etc. And, of course, the fear of giving more than you receive. Do men only want sex? Made me laugh...
Or maybe there was just no love?
This article was automatically added from the community
Hello. I'll start from the very beginning. I got married five years ago. Now I’m 32. Many people think that I became a wife very late, but somehow I was in no hurry to get married. I always wanted to build a career, and only then get married and have children. By the age of 27, I already had my own home and car. After which she got married. My husband is 2 years younger than me. He proposed to me after a year of living together. My salary at that time was higher, but this did not bother me. A year after our wedding, we were in an accident and my car was badly damaged. We had to take out a loan to buy a new car. I took out the loan for myself. Soon my husband’s father fell ill and urgently needed a large sum of money for treatment, which we did not have at that time. They took out a loan again. Now I already had two loans. After some time, my husband left work and started his own business. There was no income and there is still no income. The money he earns is barely enough to pay rent and taxes. The husband assures that these are only temporary difficulties. I started working at home after my main job. There is a catastrophic lack of time for household chores. At first the husband didn’t say anything, then he began to be indignant that he didn’t have time to warm up dinner, didn’t wash the dishes, etc. He is used to the fact that we always have money. He is not even interested in how much time is left until the loans are repaid, whether I have enough money for monthly payments, etc. Lately I started asking for a child. I agreed, maybe this will impose at least some obligations on him. There were problems with conception. He started to snap at me. I felt guilty that I couldn't give birth to a child. I underwent an examination, which showed that I am healthy. The doctor ordered my husband to be checked. It was with difficulty that I persuaded him. It turned out that this was the reason. In addition to bad tests, he has male problems, he has no desire to have sex. However, he believes that once or twice a month is enough to conceive a child. And he still blames me. I've got a heart problem. Yesterday my husband and I were talking about something and he casually said that “heart patients” pretend more than they are sick, so that people feel sorry for them, and this also applies to me. I was shocked. I never asked anyone for help, I never complained about my illness, I always achieved everything through my own work, and here are these words from a loved one! But he also has good qualities, he is pleasant to talk to, he loves my parents and relatives, they have an excellent relationship. If he did not shift all responsibility onto me, but was the real head of the family, I would be very happy. Sometimes I want to be weak, so that someone will take on all the problems... I tried to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear, he says that everything is fine with us. What should I do, tell me?
2 pieces of advice received - consultations from psychologists, to the question: The husband does not take responsibility as the head of the family
Hello, Irina! let's look at what's going on:
We had to take out a loan to buy a new car. I took out the loan for myself.
Soon my husband’s father fell ill and urgently needed a large sum of money for treatment, which we did not have at that time. They took out a loan again. Now I already had two loans.
Look, you yourself “raised” your man this way - you took everything upon yourself, showing that you were the head of the family. Loans are issued to you - why? what is the reason? thereby, you yourself have relieved him of responsibility for payments, you have shouldered everything yourself and drag it, he sees your behavior, sees how you treat yourself, sees that you take everything upon yourself - which means you are satisfied with this! and it also applies to you! Initially he was like this, he also chose such a passive role, but why should he be the head, why should he be strong - after all, there is YOU!
What prevented you from getting loans for him? if his salary wasn’t enough for approval, then he would have the motivation to look for a part-time job, but it’s not you who’s shouldering everything!
After some time, the husband left work and opened his own business. There was no income and there is still no income. The money he earns is barely enough to pay rent and taxes. The husband assures that these are only temporary difficulties. I started working at home after my main job.
and in this situation - you began to lack money, BUT they didn’t put it on him, but on themselves again, and began to look for a part-time job after their work! and what consequences did he experience from the fact that your family’s income fell? none - you save him from all the consequences - he can not take out loans, not be responsible for them, quit his job, do his business the way he wants, and you cover all the rear for him! if you don’t have enough money, if you don’t want to carry anything on yourself, then refuse to work part-time, then he will also feel that there will be no meat on the table, but only porridge and will he be able to live like that! if you don’t want to be strong, stop covering your rear, let him plunge into these problems, experience them for himself, reissue one of the loans for him, or take some amount from him for one of the loans!
He is used to the fact that we always have money. He is not even interested in how much time is left until the loans are repaid, whether I have enough money for monthly payments, etc.
you see - he's used to it!!! You created it yourself! and now you demand that he take it upon himself! He’s used to it, it’s convenient for him, so he doesn’t see a problem! don’t wait until he starts to respect you, start respecting yourself, take off what you don’t want to carry, let him experience a lack of money, financial problems, don’t try to provide him with everything! then he will also have motivation and you will see what kind of man he is - the one who will strive to provide for his family and take responsibility, or the one who will wait for a woman to do everything for him!
Lately I started asking for a child. I agreed, maybe this will impose at least some obligations on him.
But how will he take on what he is used to taking off of himself? and why did you decide that this responsibility for the child would fall on him??? and not on you again?
It was with difficulty that I persuaded him. It turned out that this was the reason. In addition to bad tests, he has male problems, he has no desire to have sex. However, he believes that once or twice a month is enough to conceive a child. And he still blames me.
he cannot accept responsibility for his health! and you are waiting for him to take on obligations to his family! It’s easier for him to blame you, he’s used to shifting responsibility!!
I've got a heart problem. Yesterday my husband and I were talking about something and he casually said that “heart patients” pretend more than they are sick, so that people feel sorry for them, and this also applies to me. I was shocked.
Of course, it’s convenient for him to talk like that, because you show that you’re ready to get everything out of yourself, you’re ready to show disrespect to yourself, exhaust yourself, and he treats you the same way!
I never asked anyone for help, I never complained about my illness, I always achieved everything through my own work, and here are these words from a loved one!
This is how they showed that YOU DO NOT NEED ANYONE! that you DO NOT NEED A MAN! that you can handle everything yourself! think - why did this happen? why did you decide to be strong, why is it difficult for you to trust a man, why is it difficult to give up responsibility?
But he also has good qualities, he is pleasant to talk to, he loves my parents and relatives, they have an excellent relationship.
but he lives with you, and not with your family! What is important to you in it besides pleasant communication???
.I tried to talk to him, but he doesn’t want to hear, he says that everything is fine with us. What should I do, tell me?
he won't even hear! because you have to NOT TALK, but do! stop working part-time, reissue a loan for him or refinance - so that he takes on the loan, and you close those two and so that the loans are on him, citing the fact that you will be psychologically comfortable next to a strong man who can take it upon himself ! stop providing him with a comfortable life, yes, both of you will face this, BUT until YOU REMOVE responsibility, no one will take it! and for him to take it, you need to stop dragging it on yourself and show him that you are not going to put everything back on yourself!
Shenderova Elena. Moscow. We can work by phone, skype, watsapp.
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1Irina, hello!
You have prepared everything for family life, and you brought your husband to everything ready. And you are currently working two jobs. And the whole Finnish part of your family, control of funds, worry about providing for your family, everything is on your shoulders. You have shouldered the responsibility, but you still don’t give it up yourself. The husband cannot feel strong. In your relationship, you take on the role of the man. That’s why he doesn’t see you as a weak woman who might get tired, who might have a bad heart. This model of behavior is very often characterized by the fact that “I really want to be weak, but how can I afford it, because everything will collapse.”... And everything remains in its place. You have hyper-responsibility syndrome; apparently, since childhood, your parents, or rather your mother, have delegated what you owe. They had to constantly fulfill duties, take care of others, that they had to rely only on themselves in life, and the like. And you strived and strive to do everything in the best possible way, and to be needed by everyone except yourself. Perhaps now is the time to take care of yourself, and your heart is signaling to you, “love me.” Of course, you won’t behave differently in an instant, but there will be a reason to think about it. At the heart of all of the above is your internal conflict: will they love me if I become different.....
Karina Matveeva, psychoanalyst, psychologist.
Matveeva Karine Vilievna, psychologist in Moscow
Good answer 5 Bad answer 1Don't lose it. Subscribe and receive a link to the article in your email.
One of the signs of a person’s wisdom and maturity is the ability to take responsibility for one’s decisions and actions, as well as for their consequences. You may be a wise person yourself, but if you work in a company or are a leader, you are likely to encounter people who are not. These can be very talented individuals who are not responsible for their affairs and decisions. Our article is devoted to strategies that will help you change this state of affairs.
Signs and Symptoms of Lack of Accountability
Sometimes it's hard to notice when a person doesn't want to take responsibility. However, there are several signs:
- Loss of interest in work and team success
- Blaming others for one's own failures
- Missed deadlines
- Avoiding difficult tasks and projects
- Lack of desire to take risks
- Regular complaints about unfair treatment, self-pity
- Dependence on the activities of other people
- Lack of trust in the team
- Frequent excuses
Strategies
When a team member doesn't take responsibility for their actions, some managers hope that it will go away soon. Others decide to fire such a person.
None of these approaches are ideal, and each is likely to make things worse. Instead of taking such measures, you should provide people with the necessary resources and instill in them the skills that will help them cope effectively with their responsibilities. Creating the right atmosphere can also help a person take responsibility for his actions and decisions.
Here are some strategies that will allow you to do this.
Start with a conversation
If a person does not want to take responsibility, then the reason is not always his character and poor attitude towards responsibilities. It is quite possible that he is worried about something, so talk to him frankly and find out the reason. In the end, negative events happen in everyone's life that affect work and life.
When it comes to liability, there are two options:
- The person does not want to take it upon himself.
- A person does not want to take responsibility for his actions.
Even though these are two separate cases, they most often go hand in hand. Find out what type of liability you are dealing with and discuss it with the person.
Provide people with the resources they need
Every person needs conditions and resources in order to do their job efficiently. This could be equipment, training, access to information, and so on.
If you provide people with everything they need, they will no longer have the psychological advantage and desire to blame you for all their failures.
Assign roles, goals and responsibilities
Some team members may not understand what is expected of them. Clarify the roles and point them to the goals they need to achieve within a certain time frame. Also make sure that everything is clearly stated in your job description so that there are no misunderstandings.
Tell them that there are roles for both the individual and the team. Sometimes they can come into conflict, so convince your subordinates that the team comes first. When, they see the big picture better and begin to take responsibility.
Get people involved
Think about what attracts you to your work and why. Find out what motivates your team members and makes them passionate about their work. After all, an employee takes responsibility when he feels proud of what he does.
Engage people by discussing their values. Then show them how their values fit into their roles and tasks. If you feel that the role and tasks are not suitable for a person, move him to another position.
Help people take control of the situation
Sometimes people feel like they have no control over their lives. Everything they do makes no sense because it doesn't bring results or change her.
People who believe that external forces influence their destinies are unable to develop. This attitude towards life is called and can undermine any person’s self-confidence. To change this thinking pattern, several conditions are required:
- Allow your team members to score some quick wins
- Build their confidence: Remind them of past successes and strengths
- Teach them positive thinking
- Help them fight
Don't micromanage
Micromanagement is a way of managing people in which the boss “looks over the shoulder” of his employee. Teach your people to be independent and do not control them too much. Even if they make mistakes, they will learn lessons and gain experience faster. Learn to delegate tasks correctly and give them freedom.
If you yourself have difficulty accepting responsibility, you want to understand more about your behavior, your values, team roles - you may find ours useful, in which, with the help of special psychological tests and exercises, you can conduct a comprehensive self-analysis and better understand yourself.
We wish you good luck!
