Cool hour- dialogue
"Communication with adults"
Homeroom teacher
A cultured and decent person can be quickly distinguished by his manner of behavior and communication, especially if these manifestations of politeness concern respectful attitude towards people of the older generation.
In Rus', from time immemorial, rules of behavior were observed that were simple, but deep and wise: respect for the “father-father” and for the “native mother”, for those older in age. All these rules were set out in the 16th century literary monument “Domostroy”. The rules of this source covered different aspects of the life of a Russian person - household rituals, conducting trade affairs, housekeeping, and raising children. “Domostroy” asserted the power of the “head of the house” over the lives of the household.
With the advent of European etiquette, most of the Domostroy rules were forgotten, but some of them were preserved. They concerned respectful treatment of older people. For example: a nobleman who held an important position or position stood in front of a person older in age; such a rule did not exist in European etiquette.
In modern civil etiquette, there are a large number of rules that relate to respectful treatment of older people. Let's get to know some of them:
1. Consider the mood and busyness of adults.
Imagine that your parents came home from work tired and worried. First of all, they need to rest a little and calm down. You shouldn't bother them with your problems, at least for a while. Put yourself in their place, and everything will immediately become clear and understandable to you.
2. Say polite words more often.
Polite words decorate human speech and make human relationships more friendly. The words “thank you”, “sorry”, “please” are absolutely necessary. In addition, it is necessary to remember: intonation and tone of voice play an important role in communication.
3. Listen patiently to adults' comments.
An adult is wiser and smarter than you, since he has a lot of life experience. He understands difficult life situations better than you. Therefore, you should listen to the comments and advice of adults.
An adult reprimands you with good intentions. For example: one girl named Irina, openly defying the will of her father, began dating a guy who took drugs and drank. She defiantly began going to discos and stayed there until late at night. “I thought he was too strict,” the girl recalled. - Then I was fifteen years old, and I considered myself quite old. I argued with him. It seemed to me that my father was just nagging me, so I left and did whatever I wanted.” After some time, Irina began taking drugs. This would not have happened if the girl had listened to her father’s advice and prohibitions.
Surely you do not approve of Irina’s actions. But if your own parents demand that you clean your room, do your homework, or return home no later than a certain hour, many of you will immediately become indignant, forgetting the biblical commandment: “Honor your father and mother.” Translated from Greek, the word “honor” literally means “to consider precious.” Therefore, you need to treat your parents as people who are infinitely dear to you and worthy of respect.
Discuss the situation: Andrei spoke with dissatisfaction about his parents, considering it unfair that they did not want to buy him a bicycle. How would you respond to his complaint?
4. Always tell the truth.
A lie does not make a person beautiful. Firstly, lying is not profitable. There is a very high probability that the lie will be discovered. But then adults will be angry with you not only for the act itself, but also for the fact that you lied to them!
Secondly, lies and conscience are incompatible concepts. The more a lie takes root in a person’s behavior, the more his ability to distinguish between good and bad becomes dulled.
One girl, named Maria, unfairly accused her brother of breaking some expensive thing, but then she realized that she had to confess to her parents that she was lying. “I felt very bad all this time,” explains Maria. “My parents trusted me, and I let them down.” This example clearly shows how conscience operates in people. Maria was tormented by remorse.
Question: Have you ever been tormented by remorse? Assess your condition in those minutes.
5. Don't interrupt your elder.
A young man is not allowed not only to interrupt an older man, but also to begin and end a conversation with older people himself.
The relationships and communication between children and elders also presuppose their relationships at the table. There are several rules that must be followed. Here are some of them:
You should not interrupt the conversation of adults;
Don't express negative things. emotions about dishes (try not to use expressions: “I don’t want, I won’t...” or “Ugh, how disgusting”);
Do not take anything from the common dish first, but wait until one of the adults takes it first;
Don't get up from your seat without getting permission from your elders, especially when everyone else has not finished eating.
If you consistently follow the rules of good manners at the table, this will gradually develop into a habit, and it will be easy and pleasant for others to communicate with you.
We live in society, that is, in society, and we cannot do without communication, thanks to which people exchange information, life experiences and experiences. Without dialogue, discussion, conversation it is impossible to imagine human existence. For the convenience of human communication, rules have been created, among which there are those that relate to relationships between people of different ages. Let's get to know some of them:
Well-mannered interlocutors show maximum attention and respect towards each other during a conversation, especially the younger ones towards the older ones;
Young people, if possible, avoid disputes with members of the older generation. This applies even to those cases when the elder is really wrong.
Question: Why, in your opinion, do they not argue with their elders, even if he is wrong?
(However, this rule does not apply to philosophical questions and questions of worldview.)
Representatives of the younger generation listen carefully to the speech of their elders and do not enter into a conversation until they are asked to join;
The young man tries not to show his irritation and bad mood to the adult with whom he communicates.
There are many more of these rules, try to study them yourself in the encyclopedia of etiquette, knowing and observing them is in the interests of your upbringing and culture.
Questions:
1. Which adults can say “you”?
2. What do you think should be done if adults abuse their power? Is it worth losing your temper? The Bible says: “Let not wrath overwhelm you...” One seventeen-year-old girl was very offended that her parents were constantly sorting out their relationship, and seemed to have completely forgotten about her existence. To spite her parents, the girl began to lead a dissolute life and take drugs. By becoming embittered, she only harmed herself.
Sometimes it's better to forgive adults for the pain they caused you and try to forget about it. Instead of paying attention to your parents' mistakes, it is better to think about their good qualities.
You should be polite and attentive to your parents and other older people; minor quarrels between family members are common. But we must not allow it to get to the point of insults and swear words. It should be avoided as a contagious disease. Only those who have learned to control themselves since childhood, observe the above rules of behavior, will be able to maintain self-control in the future and grow up to be a decent, friendly and intelligent person.
Questions:
2. List the rules for treating adults with respect.
3. List the rules for relationships between adults and children at the table.
4. What should be done if adults abuse their power?
Quests:
1. Remember and tell us about something you did that made you feel remorseful.
2. Think and write how the disrespectful attitude of young people towards older people is manifested and why, in your opinion, this happens.
Explanation: A few minutes are allocated for work, after which everyone reads out what they have written, and then there is a joint discussion of what they heard.
Wise thoughts:
“True politeness lies in treating people favorably” (Jean Jacques Rousseau).
“Nothing is as rare in the world as complete frankness between parents and children” (R. Roland).
Olga Chusovitina
Conversation “Rules of Etiquette”
Etiquette rules
People know from childhood,
"What's happened - etiquette» .
Etiquette is magic rules that will help you become a well-mannered, polite and friendly person. Knowing these rules, you will be able to more easily and simply communicate with your friends, parents, loved ones and complete strangers. You can easily learn how say hello correctly, giving and receiving gifts, how to visit, talk on the phone and much more...
Well, are you ready to learn? Then let's get to work!
Greeting rules
Rules greetings are a very important step in learning rules of etiquette. After all, the first thing we do when meeting a familiar person is to greet him.
It is very important to know that a well-mannered person never expects to be greeted. Don’t let yourself get ahead of yourself - do it yourself, especially if you meet an acquaintance older than you.
It is indecent to wave your arms and shout "at the top of his lungs", if the people you would like to say hello to are far away from you. It will be enough to simply nod to them when you meet their gaze.
Loud, surprised greetings cannot be called a greeting. exclamations: "bah - who do I see", "Well, finally", "Where have you been".
Don’t be afraid to say hello to a person once again if you meet him more than once during the day. Greet him with a smile, or a nod of your head, or a slight wave of your hand.
Table manners
Don't put your elbows on the table: they can interfere with a neighbor, and they take up a lot of space. It is very indecent to rock in a chair.
Don't talk with your mouth full - chew and swallow, then speak, don't slurp - try to eat silently.
To make chewing easier, do not bite off too large pieces.
Put as much food on your plate as you can eat.
Meat, served in a large piece, is usually eaten with a fork and knife: fork in left hand, knife in right. You cut the meat into small pieces, set the knife aside, take the fork right hand - and eat for yourself! This manner of eating demonstrates good manners (the plate looks neater).
There is no need to eat with a spoon what you can eat with a fork, and also do not use a knife if you can get by with the same fork. For example, fish, cutlets, and aspic are not cut with a knife—small pieces are broken off with a fork.
Garnish (potatoes, vegetables, pasta) Use the bread to scoop onto your fork, not your fingers.
Wipe your hands and lips with napkins, never with your hands, tablecloth, or clothes.
If you want to try some dish that is far from you, do not reach across the table for it, but ask politely to pass it along.
From common dishes, serve food not with your spoon or fork, but with those that are on the common dish.
Sweets such as cakes and pastries are not eaten from the hand, but are broken off with a spoon in a plate.
And most importantly: you must definitely thank the person who prepared and served your dishes, say magic "Thank you"!
Rules table manners are very important in today's world. A festive table, a trip to a cafe or restaurant, a romantic or friendly dinner cannot do without basic rules of etiquette.
Rules politeness when speaking
It's so nice when they listen to you attentively! But did you know that you also need to be able to listen!
If someone contacts you, and you are busy with something at that time, put aside your affairs for a while and look at interlocutor, show him your willingness to participate in the conversation.
Never interrupt! Listen carefully and until the end. Your comments and tips interlocutor during his conversation - inappropriate.
When several people are involved in a conversation, you should not react to speech that is not addressed to you.
When companion in your presence begins to behave tactlessly, speak harshly and irritably, try to stop the conversation, but gently and without challenge.
If you hear people starting to discuss and call others names in your presence, try to shift the conversation to another topic.
Always remember that a long conversation is very tiring for you. interlocutor. Don't be too chatty.
Believe me, your listener has something to say, so give him the opportunity to join the conversation.
Be friendly and considerate of who you are talking to. Be able to end the conversation in time if you see that your the interlocutor is in a hurry, before he himself tells you about it. Try to change the topic of conversation if you notice that it is unpleasant for the person or is uninteresting.
In order not to put your listener in an awkward position, do not use words in a conversation whose meaning he may not know, as well as those whose meaning is not entirely clear to you.
In order not to be branded "gossip" ("gossip girl", do not criticize or discuss other people. Those who are absent are spoken only of good things, or better yet, nothing at all.
It's rude to wave your arms while talking (gesticulate). Express yourself precisely and clearly and this will be enough to companion I understood you without difficulty.
Rules for Conversation
The rules of conversation will help you correctly start and carry on a conversation. You will learn how to interest interlocutor and not get bored with him in the process conversations. Moreover, these rules will make you even more educated and cultured than before.
Don't brag. Don't humiliate interlocutor, trying to tease him or rise at his expense.
If you are asked questions, be sure to answer them.
In a group, it is impolite to whisper to just one person. Others might think you're talking mean things about them, or they might assume you're neglecting them.
Don't interfere with conversation between two when they talk in private. At this point, it is best to gently move away.
Don't have the habit of complaining. The image of a constant whiner turns people off.
Try to remember what you talked about last time so that you can show it when you meet again. interlocutor how interested you were in him.
Do not litter your speech with curses, slang and rude words.
Try not to speak too loudly, especially in public places. Believe me, they listen not to the one who screams loudest, but to the one who knows how to speak interestingly and intelligently.
Now you know rules of conversation, which means now you can support any conversation, being confident that your companion I will only have a good opinion of you.
Rules of Friendship
Who do you spend most of your time with? Of course, with friends. Do you know about rules of friendship?
If not, be sure to check out them:
Always help your comrade: if you know how to do something, teach him to do it too; If a friend is in trouble, help him in any way you can.
Tell a friend the truth"in the eyes": if he fails in something right - tell him about it, or praise when he has done a good deed. Stop your friend if he is doing something bad.
Try not to quarrel with friends, do not argue over trifles. Don't get arrogant if you do something better than them. Don’t envy your comrades - you need to be able to rejoice in their successes. If you did something bad, don't be shy to admit it and get better.
Learn to accept help, advice and comments from other guys
Rules of Friendship
Rules Friendships will help you make many friends who will be happy to be friends with you and spend their free time.
There is such a proverb - “Don’t have 100 rubles, but have 100 friends!”
If you really want to have many friends, listen to a few councils:
Never be rude to your comrades, do not raise your voice at them. Don't call them offensive names or make fun of their failures. Don't give them nicknames, don't humiliate them - it's offensive.
Do not try to hit or push someone in order to take a convenient place for you.
Don't forget to say hello to all your friends. Even with those of them who are very small. You can and should be friends with little kids, big kids, boys and girls.
If you are offended by your friend for something, try to quickly forgive him for your offense and make peace. Don't be angry!
If your friend asks you for something, never be greedy, give it to him! Always share what you have with your friends.
Be obligatory! If you yourself took a book or toy from a friend, handle these things carefully and do not forget to return them on time (when your friend asked or when you promised).
Don’t snitch on trifles, but you still need to tell adults about serious tricks.
Rules Every schoolchild should know friendships - after all, they help you find friends not only during your studies, but also for life.
Etiquette rules- How to behave with adults
Do you know how to behave with adults? Do you always comply with these rules? If you know and follow these well rules, then you will always be considered a well-mannered, cultured and intelligent child.
First of all, it is customary to address adults as “you”. Greetings that you use when communicating with peers and relatives: “hello” and “bye” in relation to adults who are strangers to you are inappropriate. Use these instead: How: “hello” and “goodbye”.
Younger people should always greet you first, as with any acquaintance, without waiting for them to greet you first.
By a man's rules(boys) when meeting each other they serve right palm for handshake. If you are wearing gloves on your hands, do not forget to take off the one you will be greeting with before greeting.
Kisses and hugs when meeting are very personal. You can afford such a greeting only with close and well-known people, with mutual consent.
You cannot interfere in the conversation of adults and comment on what they say to each other. And if you definitely want to say something or ask a question, you need to ask permission.
When you meet someone again during the day, don’t forget about these magical words of greeting: How: “good morning”, “good afternoon”, “good evening” or “glad to see you / you again”. Even a simple nod of the head and a good-natured smile will be enough in this situation.
That's it, now you know how to behave with adults. Treat adults and older people with respect - this is a sign of good upbringing!
1. No matter what “noodles” a new acquaintance puts on your elegant ears, know that at first he has only one desire. If you feel a reciprocal desire, good luck. Tired of the whims of others, a man will appreciate your sincerity. But empty coquetry will only bring harm. If a man sees a scammer and a pretender, he will experience increasing irritation. Therefore, do not waste time yourself and do not give false hope to your boyfriend. The longer you play the comedy, the more relieved a man will be to get rid of you after you finally give yourself to him.
2. If you want to keep a man, do not show your feelings for him. There is no need to tell him about your love. It’s even stupider to demand confirmation: “Do you love me? Well, tell me, tell me!” Usually such a question is answered with a lie; The word “love” becomes devalued and loses its meaning from frequent use. Don’t give your man all your free time: part of your personal life should be inaccessible to him. Evenings with friends, sports, the computer, books will turn into a bastion that is much stronger than the false attitude of “not giving.”
3. It is almost impossible to recognize a professional. He selects the key to your soul and behaves adequately - exactly as in your mind a real man should behave. A pro will involuntarily give himself away when he immediately switches from you to your friend, or vice versa. But even here it will not be easy to resist. The woman explains the inconstancy of such a man by the fact that she turned out to be better than her friend in his eyes. Or because, on the contrary, the cunning rival fought off the man. Both are misconceptions.
4. Often couples are formed within a team - educational, work, leisure. But what to do if the team is purely female or there is no suitable man in it, and you want to flirt? You are welcome to take a walk! The company of a friend will most likely disturb you. Sitting alone on a bench in a crowded place, within a few minutes you will be busy talking with a man. Didn't like it? Excuse yourself and move to a nearby park. The best place to meet is on the street, including shops and public transport.
5. Don't expect to find a life partner at a resort or restaurant. Therefore, there is no need to value the acquaintances made in these places. If you don’t want to feel abandoned, take the initiative: leave the man before he does this to you.
6. Do not endlessly extort expensive gifts and luxurious feasts. A man will quickly notice that you are trying to “unwind” him, he will treat you like a prostitute and he will be right. If a man values a woman, he will independently express this in material form.
7. Don’t scold your previous men. Firstly, this is mean, because you made the previous choice yourself, perhaps you even loved. Secondly, you reveal your own inability to find a worthy companion. Thirdly, a new acquaintance will think: “Time will pass, and she will throw mud at me in the same way; I need to part with her quickly.”
8. Touchiness, this type of pettiness, does not decorate anyone. Don't make a fuss about anything. If you pout every now and then, refuse to talk in response to a man’s faults (real or imaginary), then you will only achieve self-loathing. This behavior of yours will provoke your husband to think about divorce. But if you are dealing with an “adult child,” then such cuts in his brain will really be beneficial.
9. Once upon a time, the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Today, a man will find excellent semi-finished products in the store and easily cook them himself. The way to a man's heart is through his mind. With a large intellectual gap, a man will become bored with you. Usually such a gap is formed when a woman is content with the fate of a housewife. The simplest way to keep your brain in good shape is reading.
10. Watch your speech. You should not overload a man with purely “female” stories about your children, relatives, work and cooking. The person should be interested in listening to you. But if a man swears that under your speeches he relaxes and comes to his senses after a busy day, babble to his health!
Current page: 1 (book has 7 pages in total) [available reading passage: 2 pages]
Elena Tararina
Hear your parents. How can adult children communicate with adult parents?
Cover: Fadeya Kolesnika
@ Elena Tararina, 2015
@ "Astamir-V", 2015
@ Igor Nevzglyad
THE MAIN METAPHOR OF MY NEW BOOK: “OUR PARENTS ARE LIGHTHOUSES IN THE SEA.”
We are ships in the dark. But by seeing the Lighthouse, using its light, we are able to understand and see what is actually happening on the deck of our ship, who is at the helm, what the ship looks like, whether it needs repairs, and most importantly, we can determine OUR WAY and avoid the reefs ...
Elena Tararna
Elena Tararina
“Everything is fair in life”
Alexey Prosekin and Marina Khmelovskaya
E. Tararina
Gratitude
The most inspiring people in my life are my family: mom, dad, brother, husband, godmother, son and all members of my family. You are the support and the core. I'm grateful!
This book is important for me personally also because for a long time I myself had a far from warm, trusting and interesting relationship with my parents. I considered myself an unloved child. And I always had a fear: how could I help people as a psychologist if I myself didn’t really see this love. And then everything changed...
My students and I went to work as a volunteer at an orphanage. And what Michael Roach calls “the seeds sprouted” happened. I began to give to the children what it seemed to me that I myself did not receive in my family - love, care and sincerity. It took me about a year to, by devoting my time and heart to children, to grow in my soul an UNDERSTANDING of parental love.
With the acquisition of this UNDERSTANDING, my attitude towards me is, and how VALUABLE it is, even if it is not exactly what I expected from them. And when I became a mother myself, I realized what my parents had to go through while raising me... Everything finally fell into place. I am immensely grateful to you, dear mom and dad! I admire you!
The book uses quotes from famous people of our time who belong to completely different professions. These quotes were created specifically for this book by the authors. I express my deep gratitude to all my colleagues who supported this book, understanding its meaning and the value of family in our modern society. I believe that the book will REVIVE many relationships and INSPIRE readers to CREATE.
Preface
How to communicate with your parents when you are over twenty-five?
How to communicate with your children when they are over twenty-five?
Tough questions! But we will search together and definitely find the answers! And THIS book will help us in our search, because it:
♦ about finding peace of mind;
♦ about such INNER SUPPORTS, allowing yourself and realizing which, you will forever find peace;
♦ this book is about education, about understanding the value of experience, about gratitude to your family.
A book is a kind of semantic constructor that is created so that each person can assemble his own puzzle for himself and nourish his “inner child.”
This book is based on questions from people who attended my programs, took part in social surveys on the topic of the complexities of parent-child relationships and my answers to them.
Perhaps there are books, after reading which, the pain of the past disappears on its own and relief and lightness come. This book is not like that. Even after reading it, living it with your soul, you will still have to take specific actions, because actions are one of the main components of a relationship. And I am sure that after carefully reading this book, you will have the understanding, strength and faith to choose the right actions and live in peace with yourself and your family.
By finding answers to the difficult questions of relationships between adult children and adult parents, you will have the OPPORTUNITY to heal “long-sore wounds” and let go of long-standing grievances. It's important to take advantage of it!
The power of the family is one of the most powerful sources of energy for a person, so let's learn to use this energy and direct it for our own benefit.
It's time to MEET YOUR PARENTS AGAIN...
E. Tararina.
Chapter 1
Moms
1. Question: “When you live together with your mother, when you already have your own family, who is the mistress? Could there be two of them?
Answer.
There may be two of them. But then – these are no longer housewives)). The hostess is the one who makes decisions, sets rules and is responsible, and two people cannot perform these functions at the same time. Several rules from different people make it impossible to “play the game.” Coalitions, factions, and gossip are formed.
What is more important for you – to devote years of your life to finding a compromise or to accept the rules of the housewife’s game (in this case, the housewife is the mother)? Usually guests adapt to the rules of the hosts. We are guests in our parents' families, no matter how old we are.
The need to live according to someone else's rules is one of the most powerful motivators for many grown-up children to separate as soon as possible (including in the matter of living) and become independent. If you still live with your parents, then this problem is not vitally important, it means it DOESN’T CONCERN you very much.
2. Question:“I’m eighteen years old, and my mother keeps saying: “We stutter,”"U We are a difficult boss." How to separate yourself from your mother’s “we”?
Answer.
Unfortunately, parents also sometimes experience codependency with their children. In terms of developmental psychology, the concept of “we” in a healthy relationship ends with the completion of breastfeeding (no later than 3 years). After this age there is already “I am a mother” and “my child”. When parents “stick” to their children, the formula “I gave him my whole life” is activated on the mother’s side, and “I’m a loser” on the child’s side. Both suffer. First What needs to be done is to admit that this is not love for a child. This is self-destructive selfishness.
Second. Start trusting each other, give up total control.
Third. Find useful hobbies, they will help you gain strength in order to fully overcome codependency. There is a saying - “A plane lands only at a prepared airport” - perhaps there is still uncertainty and lack of independence in your behavior, and your mother, who only wants the best, shows her love and care in this way.
Your adult child himself must hit the bumps in life, gain his own life experience, with all the pros and cons, understand life’s meanings and values, and become an individual in the full sense of the word. There is no point in imposing your own life experience, since it may not be suitable or effective for your child. Another mistake parents make is guardianship children when they have already become adults. Thus, these people, regardless of age, remain children forever, thanks to the stupid tutelage of their mother, who is unable to release her child into the wild. Usually such parents justify their guardianship with maternal love. Lack of adaptation to adult life does not give such adult children the opportunity to demonstrate their full potential in life, both in professional life and in personal relationships. These eternal children They are rarely happy, and after the death of their elderly parents they become completely helpless in the face of life. Another gross mistake of parents is imposing the idea on their already grown children that they are something to you. obliged for the fact that you gave birth to them- this is stupidity and delusion. It was your choice, not theirs.
1) Don't interfere into personal life your children (in matters of the heart or family, if you are not asked about it and even if they are asked, it is better not to interfere). When parents from one side and the other are pulled into a conflict confrontation or even an ordinary quarrel, this becomes a real battlefield. The fewer people involved in the confrontation, the easier it is to resolve the conflict. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. There is no need to protect your adult child from his (her) other half, remain neutral in their conflicts, and give adults the opportunity to decide for themselves what they want from their relationship.
2) Respect personal boundaries their adult children. Remember that control and demonstration of power can cause resistance in an adult son or daughter and lead to conflict with you, negative emotions, and sometimes to a break in the relationship for many months or even years. Treating a thirty-year-old man or woman like a teenager causes a cooling of the relationship (even annoying advice, pulling back, remarks, etc. can cause irritation and annoyance in an adult, which is your child). Allow your adult children to perceive themselves as independent and responsible people, and show parenting through moral support, acceptance and love. Unfortunately, with age, many people become more dogmatic and rigid, and they become even more critical of their adult children than in childhood.
3) Do not interfere in the professional lives of your adult children. Do not give advice regarding changing your profession, place of work or salary unless you are asked to do so. Often it looks like this: “Why did you choose this profession, it doesn’t suit you”; “This job doesn’t pay enough, quit and look for something else”; “Vasya, Petya, etc. have already reached such career heights, but you are a dunce and a loser who is not capable of achieving anything in life.” At first glance, your advice may seem very rational, but in fact, your adult child himself is able to make a choice and determine what suits him and what does not. It is he who realizes himself through professional activities, not you. What suits you may not suit him, and, most importantly, your negative remark or criticism can ruin his mood for a long time and even undermine his self-confidence. Once again, it’s better to encourage your adult son or daughter, they will be grateful to you for this, because deep down you are still an authority for them, and they want your recognition and praise, just like they did in childhood.
4) Don't create for an adult child guilt complex, starting a game of all sorts of illnesses and manipulating this so that you will be given more attention and time. Don’t blame him for the fact that you devoted your whole life to him, but he turned out to be ungrateful. Relationships between parents and children should be built on love, trust and emotional warmth, and not on creating complexes. It’s better to honestly admit that you miss your children and grandchildren. Come up with pleasant gatherings, unique family traditions on weekends: a delicious dinner, walks in the park with your grandchildren, etc. I remember how as a child I played lotto with my parents and grandparents and everyone enjoyed such a pastime. The main thing is positive emotions, feelings of joy from the closeness between parents and children. You can’t build anything good or sincere on negative emotions: categorical – “you should or are obliged (to)”, reproaches and insults, all this is a path to nowhere. To be needed, you need to give your children love at any age, and then it will be returned to you doubly.
5) One of the main problems for adult children is inability or unwillingness to forgive parents for past childhood grievances or past psychological trauma. It is precisely such grievances that can give rise to emotional coldness, and even revenge on the part of adult children. This approach traumatizes old people, because often they do not even understand what caused such a negative attitude. I would like to remind such adult children that your parents are not eternal and there is no need to poison their old age with revenge for their childhood. Learning to forgive loved ones is an entire art; this is how a person becomes a more mature person and gets rid of infantilism. Remember, then when they are gone, insight and repentance will come, but it will be too late, and you will have to live with this heavy burden on your Soul for the rest of your life. It is better to forgive in time, have a heart-to-heart talk, remove what was not said and move on with your life without the heavy burden of childhood grievances. If you can’t cope with negative emotions on your own, work with a psychotherapist. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and, on the contrary, will shorten your callousness and resentment.
6) Show respect to your parents, as well as a feeling of gratitude. After all, when you were little, you were cared for and loved unselfishly. With age, parents themselves become like small children, and sometimes completely defenseless against life (due to poor health or even age-related changes in the brain, you can’t really live on a meager pension either). The world of an elderly person who has retired is not as diverse and interesting as in previous years. After all, there is no longer work or communication with a large number of other people, the world is narrowing down to an apartment or a garden, and every call from a son or daughter is something joyful and meaningful. Do not skimp on your attention to your elderly, “stay close” even if you are far away: call, communicate, share your joy, find out about their health, support your parents morally and financially.
7)Don't give up on your parents' desire to care about you or your children. Grandfathers and grandmothers love to play with their grandchildren, take them to various events, pamper them with gifts, all this fills their lives with pleasant emotions, and they feel needed. When a person has something to live for, it motivates, adds tone and health. Remember, positive emotions will prolong the life of your parents, and negativity, depression or resentment, on the contrary, will shorten it. An elderly person needs a tone for life and often the only meaning of life becomes communication with their loved ones and caring for their grandchildren. Don’t put your immediate problems above your feelings and attention to your parents, because when your parents are gone, you will understand that what you didn’t give to your parents was much more important than all this fuss with work or something else, you will regret it, but you will change nothing You won't be able to anymore. Remember that you are responsible for your elderly parents and this is no less important than the responsibility for your children. Pamper them with your attention, take them to cafes and cinemas, go to the sea with them. Later, when they are gone, you will remember these moments with great warmth and love.
8) How to resolve conflicts with elderly parents.
For example, when grandparents try to take over the function of parents for your children, then all these situations can be gently resolved without entering into confrontation. Remember, the best way to convey information to your parents about what you don’t like. – this is humor, not a frontal attack and reproaches. Something said warmly, with love and with humor is easier to perceive and does not cause retaliatory aggression or resentment. Or you can have a heart-to-heart talk over a cup of tea or a glass, but again it is necessary to expose the situation not aggressively or in the form of reproaches, but carefully and gently in the form of a request. This applies to almost any conflict situation. It is important to understand that you are not in the ring and you do not need victory at any cost; it is much more important to maintain warm and trusting relationships with your elders than to feel like a winner.
10) Take care of your parents and treat them with care.
Old people are offended like children, and it is necessary to treat them condescendingly and spare their feelings and health.
There is no need to pay attention to their capriciousness or categoricalness, much less enter into a tough conflict; you can and should find compromise solutions, and most importantly, do not escalate the situation and do not accumulate negativity. It is strictly forbidden to exchange mutual accusations, remembering the past and dragging from the past a whole heap of mutual grievances and disappointments. It’s like an avalanche that is gaining mass and speed; it is capable of destroying everything good in its path, relationships, and health. Heart attacks and strokes are often related to the negative experiences of older people precisely after such conflicts. Take care of your parents! As practice proves, people often repeat the life scenario of their parents, and your children can repeat your own scenario. Thus, both positive and negative behavior patterns are passed on from generation to generation. As soon as you become more aware or even more humane (humane) in relation to your parents, from that moment on your life becomes much more kind and positive, and this makes it possible to live life more happily and harmoniously with people close and dear to you. Family, parents and children are, first of all, family and emotional ties between people. Don’t forget, when your children grow up, they will treat you the way you now treat your parents, because they remember your behavior patterns, and you are an authority and role model for them.
Tigran Grigoryan, psychologist, conflict specialist
3. Question:“When my mother tells me something, I feel double messages in her words. On the one hand, care, on the other – humiliation and devaluation of me.”
Answer.
Double messages are the subject of an entire book. A person says: “I love you,” but in his intonation and gestures the message is “get out of my sight.” It is important to get out of such relationships, they are doomed to pain. Double messages arise when we cannot admit to ourselves our negative feelings, and we feign love, suppressing dissatisfaction, although our whole nature radiates irritation. People use double messages to keep each other down. Perhaps in this way your mother is trying to keep you too. By telling you unpleasant things, who is your mother actually humiliating, devaluing and insulting? From what pain of her own do these feelings come? Your task is to get out of relationships of devaluation and build completely new relationships of respect. This may take time, you will need patience, you need to control your emotions and remember every second what you are really striving for. In double messages, it is important to TELL a person that his words are accepted by your mind on the one hand, and by your soul on the other. It is not an easy task to help another person in your presence admit their irritation or other negative feelings, but only this total sincerity with a deep sense of respect for the person can change the system of interaction in double messages.
It's not easy for mom. Gain the wisdom to understand that your mother really wants attention and care, and is afraid to let you go, so that she may not face loneliness or something, from her point of view, even more dangerous.
The problem of the relationship between parents and children is complex in the paradigm of soul and mind, verticals and horizontals, high and low. Parents, considering themselves the main conduit between the Lord and their child, who are accustomed to being busy with someone else, involuntarily lose the object of their care and care. Children, in turn, striving for freedom, the opportunity to cope with problems themselves and design their lives and time, subconsciously cause pain to their parents. No one, ever and in any way, in my opinion, is able to solve a problem for someone else, and the desire to love, respect and fill each other with harmony and creativity is a rule that will help generations hear each other. We need to learn to convey to each other in various artistic manifestations everything that you want to say, and not hang on the phone for hours, sorting out relationships that are actually worth nothing.
Lesya Mudrak, writer
4. Question:“I can’t support my mother the way she wants. I feel guilty. What to do?"
Answer.:
First, let's understand what wine is. Guilt is a mistake, the culprit is the person who caused some event.
Feelings of guilt (like resentment and many other negative feelings) cannot be imposed, it can only be your internal decision.
There are basic needs - food, care, treatment and others that should be satisfied to a greater extent. Often parents begin to reproach their children for not creating proper comfort for them out of fear of loneliness. Guilt is an excellent hook that reliably “hooks” a person. Guilt is a tool of manipulation. First, make a list of your real options for caring for your mother. Introduce her to him. Let her know that this is your limit, that this is all you can give her at the moment. At the same time, keep love in your heart and respect in your voice. And even if after this your mother still has complaints, this should not upset you, since you are not guilty. The main thing is to clearly hold your line and not for a moment allow the assumption of guilt into your heart. Guilt will deprive you of the strength to care out of love. And the lack of care out of love gives rise to a deep feeling of uselessness and lack of demand. This is a very dangerous feeling for no longer young parents...
5. Question:“My mother tells me that “let my daughter, like me in my time, suffer, suffer, starve.” How can we understand this?
Answer.
Parents want their children to appreciate what they have. Parents do not always instill this value in their children in the right way. Children usually react aggressively to such parental behavior. By inviting the child to “suffer and starve,” the mother is hardly speaking out of love. Rather, her words are out of resentment and irritation. There are parents who believe that fate treated them very cruelly. They cannot forgive this, and carry this pain within themselves. Sooner or later the pain is poured out on the children. What should children do? First, accept that mom is in a lot of pain.
At one time, no one supported her, and she is angry at the world. You, in general, are not involved in this, it’s just that this outpouring of negative emotions occurs in your presence. After all, not everything that happens to people, even in your presence, is connected with you, is it? If the person next to you has a stomach ache, you wouldn’t consider yourself the cause, would you? Secondly, remember that you have the right to make your choice, you don’t have to choose “suffering and starving.” You can choose to be hardworking, assertive, and self-confident. Are you able to make this choice? I also highly recommend shifting the focus of what you notice in your mother. Surely there are moments when she talks about you with kindness, support, care, are there any actions of hers that make you feel warm? Remember this more often, because it is so easy for our soul to devalue the good and normal, to focus on problems... She is like a three-year-old child at a construction site - she needs an eye and an eye!
Advice to parents: do not criticize or impose your vision on children. Do not interfere in their personal life. And provide them with support. I told my eldest daughter: “You can always count on us in difficult life circumstances. We will always take you under our roof and help you financially if necessary. You should not lose your self-esteem, under any circumstances!” Advice to children: almost the same:) accept parents as they are, you cannot change them. You can only change your attitude towards them :)), preferably to a positive one. In difficult relationships, always include humor :)) if, of course, you have it. If not, then just be restrained. And tell them more often that you love them :))) they really need it!!! And that you need them! This is also very important for them. Ask them for advice, and do as you see fit :)))
Margarita Sichkar, public figure, restaurateur
6. Question:“Mom reproaches me for putting my whole life on me, and demands that I listen to her and be attached to her.”
Answer.
If the mother lives by the principle “I have put my whole life on you,” then the child very often lives with the feeling: “I am a loser,” we have already talked about this when examining the question above.
These two mottos are two sides of the same coin, they are inseparable. If parents reproach their children for ingratitude, then we can say that they never truly loved them. Loving and caring in order to raise a servant for oneself in old age is a wrong parental policy. We cannot love our children so that they will one day return this love to us.
Reproach is, in general, not a form of education. Reproach always causes resistance and a desire to move away. A parent teaches, first of all, by his own example. If you, as a parent, can give your child love and at the same time be happy, you will raise a happy person. If the meaning of life for you becomes love for your child, you are dooming both yourself and him to sacrifice, resentment, pretense and disappointment. The best way for parents to teach their child to care is to teach the child from childhood to love nature, animals, children, adults, and show by example how to care for grandparents. Children do not have the innate reflex to love their parents; this skill needs and is important to develop and shape.
7. Question: “My daughter is not like me, but she should be like me. And live the same way. What to do?"
Answer.
Your daughter is not like you, and that's okay. Parents should not turn their children into photocopies and doubles of themselves. Parents are given in order to create conditions for the manifestation of the best qualities of the child. Children always have more choices than adults, and they should be different from their parents, since they are structured completely differently, they have a different character, different preferences. By turning a child into a self-copy, we forbid the child to be himself, we please our own ego and degrade ourselves.
Every child has the right to be themselves. And in order for him to want to be like his parent, he – the parent – needs to work hard on himself. Children want to be part of the best and the happiest. Develop yourself and be happy!
Children who are twenty-five or more continue to be children for us, with their problems, joys and sorrows. It was very important for me to understand that my daughter, who is very similar to me, has many of my habits and hobbies, is still not me. And at some important moments in life, she may act completely differently than I would have acted.
I felt very emotionally about her falling in love, her disappointments and betrayal by her loved one. It was at such moments that we were closer than ever. I helped her understand the meaning of these events, not to be offended by fate and the people through whom this event came into her life. We talked a lot about spiritual topics, I talked about my experience and the experience of people close to me, how they went through crises in their lives. I gave many arguments in favor of the fact that everything should be taken for granted, and one should be grateful to fate for both sorrow and joy. It seems to me that the correct passage of the “points of falling in love” will largely determine her female happiness, her internal psychological state.
I'm learning to accept her choice and respect it. It is very difficult when communicating with my daughter not to evaluate her decisions and choices if I am not asked to do so. If she asks me for advice, I do it very delicately (after all, I am not the ultimate truth). Having given advice, I always turn her gaze inward, while reminding her that no one knows better than you what will be right, listen to your heart and do as it tells you. I really want her to learn to trust herself and make decisions confidently.
Truly, adult children are tasks of increased complexity!!! These are no longer problems of nutrition, study, bad habits, these are questions from the category of “the art of living.”
Galina Kirmach, candidate of psychological sciences, practicing psychologist-educator
8. Question:“I feel like my mother lives for me. I feel guilty, how to deal with this?
Answer.
All mothers, with the birth of a child, unconditionally devote part of their lives to him. The only question is: what is the percentage of this part in the life of a parent?
The older the children are, the less parents there are in their lives. Many people think so. In fact, this is a misconception. Indeed, the older children are, the less time they spend communicating with their parents, but they spend more and more time in their souls. First of all, they begin to understand what parental habits they inherited, choose what can be left and what needs to be changed.
Second, children clearly see what behaviors they have adopted and how those behaviors, beliefs, and thoughts of their parents affect their quality of life. We talk to our parents all our lives. This is fine. If your mother lives for you, it means that you have not yet shown such character traits that, having seen them, your mother could “move away” from you. The happy eyes of a fulfilled adult child who is passionate about life seem to give the mother permission to “move away.”
One of the most important “disenchantment” therapeutic phrases is that it is never too late to have a happy childhood. We can spend our whole lives blaming our past for the things that don’t work out for us, or we can heal it from anywhere in the present. First steps to healing:
1. stop blaming yourself and others;
2. learn to thank yourself and the world (parents, friends, employees).
Our parents always gave us only what they had - if they had more, they would have been able to give more. Each generation has its own level of care - one generation cares about survival, another about development - education, the third - about feelings. Our grandparents did not have the opportunity to take care of the feelings of our parents - they needed to survive during the war and after it. Our parents could not always take care of our feelings - this was not in their “base”. I accept from you with gratitude the life and strength of the family that came through you, but everything that does not correspond to my potential, everything that relates to guilt, resentment, fear, limitations - I do not accept, I leave it to those to whom it belongs.” . At every stage of growing up, we try to maintain a sense of WE - closeness, kinship, love, care, but we reserve the right to our own Self. The most a parent can do for their child is to be happy and let him go into his own happiness. An ancient ritual - blessings - can become modern. I bless you for your success, life in abundance, happiness, health, love. We allow you to move away as far as you care, but we will forever remain your mom and dad. I relieve you of responsibility for our relationship with dad, our realization and our life, I relieve you of our feeling of guilt and the feeling of heaviness from different moments of your growing up. Live and go through life easily. Dad and I are adults. We can handle whatever life throws at us.
Svetlana Roiz, family psychologist
9. Question: “Mom loves me too much. She made me the meaning of her life. All her actions are for me, she misses me all the time. And I cannot be the center of her Universe. This makes me angry, irritates me, and our relationship is deteriorating.”
