How often does this happen: you fell in love, lost your head, dissolved in your love... And you no longer live your life, but His. All thoughts about him, desires are connected with him, interests are his, friends are also his. Where are you in all this? How not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man? How to remain an integral mature person, despite the all-consuming feeling that you experience?
First of all, you need to realize that you do not want to disappear into this relationship. And then you can keep your finger on the pulse. This is how not to be late for important meeting because you control time. Or before you leave home for an interview, check if you have taken necessary documents. When you remember what is important, it is easier to control the situation. And despite the ardent love, burning passion and everything else, you will know: you need not to get stuck!
In other words, it is important to learn to turn on your mind when feelings go off scale. In general, ideally there should be harmony in everything. When you give the reins of your life to your feelings, you can do a lot of stupid things and then take a very long time to sort them out. When only the mind “rules”, then you will not become truly happy, since in everything you will assess the situation soberly, without succumbing to emotions. Both are bad.
Therefore, in order not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man, you need to learn this balance. Maneuver between squalls of feelings and a cold mind, sometimes swim out and analyze what is happening in life. And adjust, regulate.
Imagine that your life is the path that a large ship takes. You are at its helm. If all you do is enjoy the views and catch the sun on your face, forgetting about the controls, you will lose your course, hit a reef or simply sink. If you constantly peer into the horizon in tension and constantly monitor instrument indicators, then you will not get any pleasure from the trip. This is again about balance. To make it clear.
Now let's talk about earthly things. How not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man? What needs to be done for this besides maintaining a balance between reason and feelings?
- Have your own interests. You probably had some interests before meeting this man. So, don’t make the mistake of giving them up. Yes, now you want to see him much more than Gym. Him, not a friend who complains about her life. Him, not creative activities. But it’s important to pull yourself together. In addition to the fact that you can lose yourself and completely dissolve in a man, you can also lose his interest in you. Why? Yes, because he fell in love with the way you were! Active, purposeful. Or a quiet, homely person who voraciously reads English literature. If you give up your hobbies for a man, he won't appreciate it! You just may soon become uninteresting to him as a person. That's all.
- Keep a little distance. when you want to see him every day? - you say. Distance when you fall asleep and wake up with thoughts about him? Yes, dear girls, distance! After all, if you take and eat your favorite sweets, you may start to feel sick. And then he will turn away from them for a long time. And if you eat one piece of candy a day and limit yourself, then the love for sweets will last for a long time. long years. So it is in a relationship with a man! If he gets all of you at once, interest may begin to fade! Therefore, you don’t need to see each other every day. Don't call each other every hour. It’s not the first month to jump into bed. It’s not easy to declare love! And a lot of other nuances.
- Improve yourself. In addition to the fact that we have already discussed the point about interests, I would like to note that it is important not to just stand in one place and be exactly the way he fell in love with you. And move on, improve, develop. After all, he doesn’t stand still either. And a couple can be together for many years if both partners keep pace. If one of them stops in their development, interest and feelings of love will disappear very quickly. So don’t stand still, grow!
Who does not know the commandment “and the two shall become one flesh”? But at the same time, how not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man or woman?
After all, loving couples strive for unity. Become one, dissolve in each other! Breathe in the same rhythm, sing in unison, avoiding discord. Isn't this the ideal of true feeling and a happy marriage?
So, my friends: Beware of this common misconception. There is nothing more dangerous than the desire for merger. This utopian fantasy will drag you down, plunge you into disappointment and dissatisfaction with yourself and your partner, sow alienation and irritation, and put your relationship on the brink of collapse.
How to preserve your “I”?
Paradoxically, preserving your own melody in a love duet is much more important than singing in unison:
- the need to imitate, adapt and constantly give in to another person will give you a feeling of “losing yourself”,
- if a person is very important to you, by abandoning your views, habits and goals you will not tie him to you, but will most likely achieve the opposite - you will lose the relationship.
It would seem, how can the desire for unity become a “repulsive force”? Energy (including love) can flow only with a potential difference. Figuratively speaking, two pluses on batteries will not produce current. As well as two minuses.
I do not at all call for contradicting everything, sticking exclusively to one’s own line, or never agreeing with anything. No! I invite everyone to perform their part in one love symphony.
Then this “music of the soul” will sound more interesting and richer, you will want to listen to it for a long, very long time. Perhaps you will never get tired of it, unlike the monophonic voice that has stuck in your teeth. And only in this case will you understand how not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man or woman.
Yes, synchronized swimming, a military parade, when everyone walks in step and holds their heads in the same way, hypnotize and delight the audience. Notice! – spectators, not the participants! When everyone is as one, it’s fascinating. It’s as if many people become parts of something larger, and many bodies are controlled as if by one mind. It must be this illusion that takes possession of the lovers.
How not to lose yourself in a relationship?
Free yourself from illusions!
Consciousness is susceptible to illusions, easily succumbs to trance, and insight can be very painful. Husband and wife don't have to look like synchronized swimmers! The same applies to relationships between lovers.
By giving room to only one position, the same turns and movements, you will rob both yourself and your partner. Deprive the love serenade of polyphony and harmony, zest and mystery.
I suggest you develop the ability to be in connection with a person without merging with him:
- - firstly, there is no need for this.
- - secondly, only two different Individualities can create a truly strong union.
- thirdly, the desire for merger will sooner or later begin to choke you. And you'll want to separate. Even break up! This is a blind defense against losing yourself. The paradox of love!
Merging is so similar to security. In fact, where will the spouse go, who has literally taken root in you and is almost like your second self? However, playing with yourself is not the most exciting activity.
Cultivate and develop things in yourself that are different from your partner. Help him cultivate and develop the ways in which he is different from you.
For example, if a guy is into football, and you are into painting, don’t even think about giving up painting for football! You can go to a match with him sometimes, but keep drawing. Don't make a scene with him if he refuses to go to the exhibition. This doesn't mean he's neglecting you. Let him watch the championship while you paint a picture.
The surest recipe for how not to lose yourself in a relationship with a man or woman is to listen to yourself more often, rather than demand that someone listen to you:
- Who do you feel like in your union?
- what do you really want?
- What is more important to you: how you want to be, or how others want you to be?
Connection and separation are polarities that cannot be avoided in a love relationship between a man and a woman, but must be properly balanced. By pinching one thing, you provoke another. And vice versa.
I will continue this amazing topic“how not to lose yourself in a relationship” in the next article. Stay with me!
There is an expression: “The farther, the closer.” We often use it in the context of describing our relationships with others. Although we pronounce it with irony, there is a grain of truth in this expression. Moving away from people, we miss them, we lack communication. And the constant flashing before your eyes does not make your partner closer and dearer.
Being with each other 24 hours a day has nothing to do with true Intimacy. How, in this case, is it possible to understand that a person is close to you if you have no experience of living apart from each other?
True Intimacy occurs when we find balance in establishing our personal boundaries, the other person's boundaries, and the shared space between us. This is the territory where the meeting of two people takes place, each of whom has a real understanding of their personal boundaries. This is that set of internal beliefs, thoughts, values and feelings that we are not ready to exchange and the integrity of which we are ready to defend even at the cost of losing intimacy with another. This is only ours, what we are ready to speak about publicly and what we are ready to defend. This is an internal constitution, a set of rules that we proclaim to the world around us so that others know what we are ready to put up with and what we are not. Clear personal boundaries are not about selfishness and high self-esteem. Here we are talking about self-respect, which is a strong support for respecting the feelings and opinions of others.
On the contrary, more often blurred personal boundaries or their absence lead to problems in relationships. The inability to say “no” to others, the desire to please and the devaluation of our own feelings makes us a hostage to others and leads to neurotic relationships.
Visually it looks something like this. One day a close friend came to visit you. You were so welcoming that he decided to spend the night with you, and his presence was not burdensome for you either. He didn't leave the next morning, and he didn't leave in the months that followed. Your home has become his home. You enjoyed your friend's company and enjoyed his presence in your life. Soon your friend began inviting his friends to your house. “It’s okay, living together is more fun,” you might think. Soon you will notice that you personally will not have enough space in your own home. Happy Holidays, noisy companies will become a common occurrence in your home, although you personally prefer quiet evenings. You will rationalize what is happening and convince yourself that this is normal, it could be worse. Unnoticed, in your own home, guests will give you a guest room, and maybe even offer you to go visit relatives, to unwind, so to speak. You have ceased to be the mistress and decide who and when to let into your territory. And now you have only two options: either silently endure what is happening, or declare your rights and throw uninvited guests out the door, once and for all indicating who is boss in the house.
In the first case, you will step on your own throat, just not to contradict others and maintain good relationships. But these are all illusions: relationships are good when you and those around you feel good in them, when there is mutual respect. If there is a herd of people walking around in your house with dirty shoes, then there is nothing left to save for a long time. In the second case, you will declare your feelings and risk being misunderstood. IN best case scenario
They will twist their finger at your temple and go away, accusing you of inadequacy. At worst, they will ignore your unauthorized protest and will never pay attention to your feelings again. Both the first and second options will not return the former warm feelings and relationships.
We are driven by two main fears: the fear of death and the fear of losing love. All other types of fear are derivatives of these two. The possibility of being rejected makes us forget about our own desires in favor of others. Constant violation of our personal boundaries makes us suffer, but giving up this suffering is even worse. Refusal to suffer instills fear of rejection inside. It is better for us to maintain the illusion of the presence of others in our lives than to remain in the emptiness in which we are afraid to live. We are not ready to face our loneliness. We think that loneliness is the absence of people around us, but in reality this is not the case. Loneliness is the inability to feel your own self-sufficiency. To be self-sufficient is to experience happiness from being with yourself. This is a state when being alone we feel less lonely than in the presence of people. Without this strong foundation, it is impossible to achieve true intimacy with another person.
It is important to love yourself unconditionally. At least for reasons of psychological health: it is inconvenient to live life with an unloved person
Every relationship will repeat the scenario in which the partner is perceived as a straw for a drowning man.
How not to lose yourself in a relationship, to remain free as a couple, without having to make constant compromises with yourself.
Responsibility.
We look at the Other with hope, and in the eyes we read in large letters: “Save me from myself. Let this relationship be serious." Only it is not the other person who gives seriousness to the relationship, but ourselves. We seek seriousness from another, while we ourselves defend ourselves with the phrases: “if it’s destined, then what’s mine will not leave me.” In fact, such an approach is, to say the least, frivolous and irresponsible. This is a way to protect your reluctance to invest in a relationship. We are looking for love, firmly believing that we will find it where another loves us.
It’s often like this: we are ready to show our feelings only when we have guarantees that we will be reciprocated. Otherwise, why would I open my soul? No....
Now, if he....then I.... Bidding. There is no love here.
Love exists where there is naturalness and joy.
When no questions arise: “Should he write an SMS first? What will he think? What if he doesn’t answer?”
We need to light the fire of love on our own, otherwise we risk living our entire lives in the cold and in relationships without intimacy.
Responsibility in a relationship is the willingness to work hard at it.
If you don't work on your relationships, you'll soon have to play with them. It’s a paradox, but playing is more energetically expensive than working.
2. Giving up control.
Demanding absolute sincerity from a partner is depriving him of his own territory. The desire to control is an invasion of someone else's personal boundaries. Where there is insufficient understanding of one's own internal boundaries, there will often be a desire to violate others. There is no clear understanding of “I am not I.” Our capacity for intimacy is directly related to trust, acceptance of ourselves and others. Controlling people struggle with the flow of life, cannot trust other people, and have difficulty with emotional and physical intimacy.
3. Willingness to meet others.
The union of a man and a woman exposes children's matrices and complexes. When romantic love retreats, we meet the Other for real. We begin to notice shortcomings, feel deceived and blame the person for becoming what he always was. To accept the shortcomings of another, you first need to accept yourself with all the shadow sides of our soul. Fighting your own Shadow is suppressing your negative trait and disgust for those who also possess it. The inability to experience one's feelings in the presence of Another destroys Intimacy. Allowing the Other to be different means giving up the intention to redo, correct or change something in him.
In a mature relationship there is Self and Other. Mutual differences are valuable. There is an opportunity to be yourself in a relationship, to be different, and also to accept this right for the Other. Do not be horrified by mutual differences, but treat them with curiosity, as a new experience. In such a union, I recognize the Other’s right to be different, as well as my right to be myself. This means the ability to accept the differences of the Other, as well as see in them opportunities for rapprochement. This is the rejection of projections and illusions. Another is not a set of functions that satisfy your needs, but an individual person, with values, views and beliefs unique to him.
4. Naturalness
While allowing another to remain who they have always been, it is important to remain yourself. Not to seem, but to be. Our self-esteem is the internalized opinion of others about us. These are other people's thoughts and assessments with which we were infected in deep childhood. A small child has no self-esteem; he does not know whether he is good or bad. For the first time he gets to know himself through his close circle. And it is at the border of the first contacts with the environment that the first social feelings appear: shame, guilt, fear. The situation gets worse when they begin to compare us with others. It is then that we receive a powerful message: being yourself is bad. But if you pretend a little or try to meet other people's expectations, then the likelihood of being rejected will be less. Child-parent relationships are built on the strict subordination of the younger ones to the older ones. If in childhood they were not interested in our opinion, did not ask what we like and what we don’t, then most likely, as adults we will also not understand ourselves and our feelings. Frequent changes of desires, life goals, endless search for ourselves are a manifestation of the fact that we have not yet met ourselves and have not recognized our natural selves. And it is unlikely that anyone will be able to guess our desires if we ourselves are not fully aware of them. To be natural is to be able to feel your desires and follow them. To be natural is to make a decision based on the criteria of “I want it or I don’t want it.” Compromises with yourself hidden feelings and unexpressed emotions will sooner or later cause difficulties in relationships. Allowing ourselves to live our hidden feelings next to Another, the willingness to bare our soul and show our vulnerability, to be natural allows us to become closer to each other. Being in harmony with ourselves, we create harmony around us.
5. The ability to be alone.
If the Center of Love is located within ourselves, we no longer need crutches in the form of dependent relationships. We no longer need to be saved, because alone with ourselves we gain strength and merge with the source of love. I once thought for a long time about the topic of loneliness and after repeating this word many times, I replaced its amazing semantics. Oneness - One Father. Being alone is not being isolated and not feeling abandoned. To be alone means to be alone with the Creator, with a powerful source of energy and the ability to contemplate your inner world. This is an opportunity to get to know yourself as a whole, to hear your feelings, to enter into dialogue with those parts of the Self that were once repressed from our lives. Self-love in solitude is an indicator of the ability to love others.
To be close and at the same time free in a relationship means not to dissolve in the relationship, thereby losing your own taste. Do not try to merge and turn into one, depriving yourself and others of personal space.
Intimacy is not when we suffocate, squeezing each other in a deadly embrace love addiction. We come close to each other, then we move away. We move away because we feel that we might suffocate and there is a need to breathe a breath of freedom and feel self-sufficient without being tied to anyone. We get closer because we strive to exchange energies, but in such a way as not to lose ourselves. Without forgetting about everything, but with the opportunity to always return to yourself.
