Why can't you let go of your ex? A simple way to let someone go from your thoughts

I'm 20. I dated a guy the same age for 5 years. We've been living together for the last year. The relationship has never been easy, there were enough quarrels, and we went through a transitional age together, and a lot happened in 5 years. The two of us are active, beautiful, smart. It’s just that lately the relationship has completely stopped satisfying me. He didn’t want to go home, there was no desire to spend time with me. I tried to talk to him about this for a long time, he had one answer - a lot of work. Occasionally we would go out somewhere, or he would just take me with him, or we would go somewhere with him and his friend. At the same time, he paid more attention to his friend, not to me. There were, of course, very good moments, but these became rare. I realized that it’s not about work - he just doesn’t want to. I began to ignore him, silently he came home a few more nights, and then he stopped altogether. I endured and waited for 2 weeks, then it just started to clear up, he said that was it, he left, he was tired of such a relationship, but they called back on some issues. In the end, he called himself, wanted to return everything, saw each other, sincerely said that he loved him, but after 3 days of seemingly normal communication he decided to leave again. It has always been like this: if I follow him, he leaves me, when I am “indifferent”, he follows. A total of 3 months have passed. I understand everything, I’ve already read a lot, talked to many, he is not ready for family relationships anymore, he is very complex in himself and freedom-loving, he says that he likes the way he lives now. But during these 3 months, I still continued to call him from time to time and ask. Entire hysterics for several days. I understand everything, calm down, endure, go about my business, and then it gets so bad that I can’t think about anything else. Last time I endured it for a month and the other day I did it again. I know that this is the wrong relationship, I know that he is a complex person, I know that there is no need to “run” after him until he wants to, nothing will change, but I make it up as if he is waiting for this, I know that he I myself suffer very much and it’s very hard for him... so at one moment I decide what all this is for, let me change everything. He is rude to me, laughs, says that I “blow his mind,” answers “I don’t want to” to everything, and at the same time he cannot explain everything to me calmly and normally when I ask, he often leaves unsaid things and I cling to every little thing about him concern. He loved me very much. The man himself is principled in many ways, very secretive, he won’t tell anyone everything, he shared everything with me, but for now he was interested in me. He still hasn't picked up all his things. I know that I need to let go, but I continue to climb his page on the social network, think about him, I remember a lot, I plan how and when I can make the next attempts at reconciliation, I dream of his return :(

Kulesh Yulia Sergeevna, psychologist Minsk

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Hello Anna! Your hysterics, breakdowns, changing decisions are completely understandable and natural in this situation. It is unlikely that any woman after 5 years of relationship with a man could remain calm and composure in such a situation.

You are currently experiencing a breakup in a relationship that is significant to you. your boyfriend doesn’t let you go completely, but he doesn’t build or develop a relationship with you either. This happens when a couple has accumulated too many unresolved conflicts, and one of the partners decides to leave, but he is afraid to do so. It’s also not easy for your boyfriend to leave you. But from your words, it doesn’t really seem like he’s ready to work on the relationship. For a happy family, the work of both partners on the relationship is a prerequisite.

I would recommend that you decide for yourself what kind of relationship you want. What is important for you to receive from a man, and what can you give him? what you categorically do not accept in a relationship with you. You can even discuss this with your boyfriend. If he directly tells you that he is not ready for a family, draw your conclusions.

I would also advise you to get support. This could be your relatives, friends, psychologist. You need internal resources to survive this difficult period. Don't forget to take care of yourself. ask other people to take care of you. find pleasure in your life.

Good luck to you!

Gritsyshina Alevtina Vladimirovna, psychologist Minsk

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Hello Anna! You are writing about a difficult story. The tangle of problems you are talking about is quite large.

Unfortunately, it seems that only you are ready to fight to improve relationships in your family. The husband, apparently, does not want to invest in them. But family, if it has value for each of the partners, is always joint work. This is the responsibility of both spouses.

If you admit the possibility of the second option, and parting with your husband does not mean the collapse of your whole life for you, think about what you lose and what you gain in this situation...

Alekhnovich Elena Cheslavovna, psychologist Minsk

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I'm 25 years old, I'm beautiful and I was a confident girl until my ex came into my life. He persistently sought my attention when we started a relationship, he told his friends how he couldn’t live without me, but it lasted for six months. Apparently, I pretty much blew his mind (I think so). As a result, we broke up on his initiative, he said that he was tired. This was the first experience when I was abandoned, the pain was crazy, but I didn’t show him even a tear, I didn’t answer his messages or calls. Six months passed and I started a new relationship. The guy loves him very much, looks after him, pampers him, but he is much inferior to his ex (in development). And it gnaws at me. I constantly think about my ex and compare them. Self-esteem suffered greatly. How to let go of your ex once and for all?

Oksana, Moscow, 25 years old / 09.19.18

Our experts' opinions

• Alena

  Oksana, the problem is not your ex, and not your falling in love with him. The problem is the lack of feelings for the current boyfriend. You are on a search, and the one you are dating now is not the hero of your novel. You haven’t chosen him, he’s a pass-through option for you. And the fact that you compare him with your ex, and this comparison is not in favor of the one with whom you are in a relationship now, only means that you have already decided for yourself that you don’t need to stop making a choice yet

  To the question “how to forget your ex once and for all?” I’ll answer simply: fall in love. When you meet someone truly interesting to you, thoughts about your ex will quickly be repressed, and the very fact that you once “suffered” for that first guy will seem ridiculous to you.

• Sergey

  Oksana, unfortunately, no one has yet come up with any clear and quick way to get rid of the feelings you are experiencing. Therefore, all of us, at one time or another, have had, have and, alas, will have to experience not the best moments in life. However, no matter how hard it is, no matter what mental torment a person experiences, believe me, they are not eternal. Moreover, they are very useful. The fact is that only when one gets into difficult, wounding conditions does a person begin to develop. Moreover, this applies to both physical and spiritual components. Of course, it is very unpleasant and even painful when you are betrayed or abandoned. But this is an experience, albeit a negative one. An experience that allows you to look at what is happening from a different angle, think, draw conclusions, and get to know yourself better. That is, grow up, become wiser, and go up another step in understanding what you really need.

Often after a relationship ends, wounds remain in our soul: pain, anger, sometimes even hatred, sadness, pain of loss. And when such conditions drag on, depression occurs, leaving its mark on our entire lives. This affects the professional sphere of activity, relationships with children and, most unpleasantly, relationships with a new partner, if they appear, or the fact that new relationships do not work out.

Therefore, it often happens that clients come to therapy with the problem that a lot of time has passed after a divorce or a difficult breakup (sometimes 10 years), but a new long-term relationship has not worked out (at least six months, a year). Some clients say that it is difficult for them to start any kind of relationship at all.

Therefore, in order to move on to a healthy relationship with a new partner, you need to let go of the old ones.

How to let go of your ex-partner?

In this matter, it is important to understand how the psyche works. If we have failed to let go of the old relationship, it will always invade the territory of the new one. I can give you an example: a client whose husband left her for another woman. For a couple of years she tried to cope with this shock, but was severely depressed. When she moved away from the drama a little, she started a new relationship. And she began to transfer her old relationship into her life together with a new partner: she checked his SMS, mail, monitored phone calls, constantly called herself if he was late, etc.

Now let's look at this situation from a psychological point of view: with whom does she continue to have a relationship with her new husband or with her previous spouse? And it becomes clear that she continues her relationship with the first man. She projects what caused her pain in past relationships onto her current relationship. She transfers her suspicions about her husband’s past to her new partner. And, unfortunately, this happens in any relationship. Having the experience of the past, we transfer it to new relationships. This is how our psyche works: cause – effect.

Therefore, in order to avoid such a transfer and not spoil the new relationship, you need to let go and put an end to the old ones. Analyze how you feel about your former partners, what do you still have towards them: resentment? anger? anger? sadness? Love? – all this needs to be let go.

You can often come across the following recommendations: to let go, you need to forgive. But, as a rule, this does not help. Indeed, in 90% of cases, responsibility for divorce, infidelity or breakup lies with both partners 50/50. Because betrayal occurs in most cases when the relationship has essentially already ended, but both spouses did not notice it. And one of them entered into a new relationship, thus breaking the old connection.

Therefore, the first thing you need to do is take RESPONSIBILITY. Take responsibility for the fact that the relationship is built 50/50 by both spouses. Those. the relationship was destroyed by both of you, but you didn’t notice it and didn’t do anything, or if you did, it was wrong. And when we simply try to forgive or forgive, we become higher than our partner. We seem to say: “You are to blame, but I am not.”

In this way, our partner separates, but in our hearts we still blame him. We become higher, we become first. And we transfer this feeling of superiority into new relationships, which does not lead to anything good.

The second, important part of letting go of a relationship is ACCEPTANCE. Those. we accept our past relationships as they are. We seem to look at them and say: “Yes, that’s how it happened.” And you can’t change anything here. I did 50% wrong and he did 50% wrong, we tried our best. It happened. That's it, you can't change anything, you can just accept it as it is. You could call it a form of humility in some way.

Only then can we let go. We took responsibility for the fact that both of our relationships fell apart, we accepted this situation (as it happened, it happened and nothing can be changed, we were exactly like that and could not have acted differently), now we come to the third stage - letting go of the relationship .

Now you can do a visualization exercise that will help you let go of your past partner.

Exercise for letting go of your partner:

1. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, do a little relaxation for half a minute.
2. Imagine the figure of your partner in front of you. There is no need to imagine everything in small details. Just a figure and it stands in front of you.
3. Look your partner in the eyes and observe what is happening in your body and emotions. What exactly do you feel: sadness? routine? anger? anger? disappointment?
4. After you feel all this, pay attention to what emotional state your partner is in in this visualization.
5. Then, looking into the eyes, say out loud: “I see you,” thereby confirming to your psyche that he is HIM. The psyche does not distinguish the object itself from the image of the object. The mind can find the difference between these concepts, but the psyche cannot. Whether we look at a photo of a partner, at himself or at his things, there is no difference for the psyche. We feel the same emotions. They may vary in strength and intensity, but we feel the same.
6. Then we say the phrase: “You are you, and I am me, and we are equal to you.” Because no one offended anyone and inflicted emotional wounds, but you did it mutually. (Any violent actions are not justified here; that’s a completely different story). The technique is suitable for ordinary standard relationships with a partner, where we can inflict wounds on each other: in word, deed, misunderstanding, callousness, grievances, claims, struggle for power and resources, etc. That's why it happened that you broke up. And the phrase “You are only a man, and I am only a woman” helps our psyche get out of the entanglements (for example: if you made a transference to your partner as a father/mother).
7. Only when you feel the equality of the two of you can you say: “I leave your part of the blame for our breakup to you, and I leave my part of the blame for our breakup to myself.” It is very important to be in contact with your body and your emotions when pronouncing these phrases.
8. There comes a moment when we finally begin to feel the whole truth of our collapsed relationship, that both partners are 50/50 to blame (no matter how much we would like to think otherwise). But if at this stage you cannot recognize and feel it, then psychotherapy can help you.
9. For those who were able to do this, there is an opportunity to go further. Say the phrase; “Everything that I gave you sincerely, you can keep for yourself, and everything that you gave to me sincerely, I keep for myself.” This is to connect with the beginning of our relationship. Because if we don't connect holistically, we can't let go. This phrase is said to bring back all the good things that happened between you.
10. Then we say: “I let you go, and you let me go, please.” As a rule, if all stages of the exercise were successful, then the image of your partner should dissolve, go away in your visualization, or you will feel relief inside.

If at some stage of this exercise you feel that you are not ready to move on, then you can repeat this exercise several times until you succeed. If you feel that you are not able to do this on your own, then you will need the help of a psychologist.

And harmonious relationships for you.

Your psychologist

Adalind Koss

The end of a relationship with her husband is a difficult situation for a woman. She can easily deprive even a persistent representative of the fair sex from her normal state. Even if such a step turns out to be entirely deliberate, and the role of the initiator belongs to the woman. Another problem is if divorce occurs at the decision of a man. In such a situation, it is almost impossible to forget him. But, life moves forward, even if your loved one leaves. There are some rules that will tell you how to stop wasting time on stupid worries.

Frank conversation

By the way, another option is sports clubs or a gym.

Vivid emotions

Also use a break with your beloved husband to return to your favorite hobby. Relationships almost always require a lot of time, emotions and other investments of yourself. Vivid emotions, creativity, any hobbies will help you regain self-confidence and forget your departed husband.

Representatives of the fair sex in such a situation devote themselves entirely to work, this is a good option for the development of events. Whatever you choose, first let loose all the memories of the past. It doesn’t matter whether they are positive or negative.

Looking to the future

Experts assure that almost all ladies, and those who initiate the breakup, after a while begin to think about a different development of the relationship. They forget about the pain and insults that their husband caused.

Treat such thoughts with caution. Only a look into the future will give you a chance to forget your husband and get rid of this feeling. Of course, there are couples who after some time got together and separated again, but then lived happily with each other. To be sure of your choice, wait at least 6 months after the breakup. If you still want to, then try. Otherwise, forget about it.

Forgive, forget and let go

Whatever emotions you experience after a breakup, you shouldn’t try to figure it out. This will help maintain emotional balance. Forgive, forget and let go. Don’t think that you are the only one experiencing pain or resentment. The man is also offended. Moreover, if everything has been finally decided, then there is no point in causing scandals. Whatever your husband turns out to be, you shouldn’t talk badly about him, especially among mutual friends.

People will understand this behavior as a desire for revenge. And if you speak negatively about your past life, then you yourself remind of the negative moments, which intensifies the experience. The main thing is not to go completely offended.

Towards a new life

In certain situations, it is worth cutting off all contacts with your husband in order to move towards a new life. Delete his phone number, change your own, erase his email address. But this is suitable for those who do not have children. If you decide on new novels, then you should be careful here, not to allow yourself to succumb to a sudden impulse, as well as the fear of being alone. Don't use relationships with others to increase your self-esteem.

New feelings should bring joy, and for this to happen, wait a while, get rid of the negativity of the past!

To understand how to forget your ex-husband, it is worth remembering one point - hide your emotions. This will lead to depression. Let's consider some advice from a psychologist:

• You shouldn’t constantly think about how to forget a man. If your thoughts are only about this, then you are constantly analyzing the situation. Nothing will work out that way. Keep yourself busy with something exciting and interesting. As already mentioned, a forgotten hobby will help with this;
• try to have fun more often, find time for yourself. This includes friendly gatherings in cafes and trips to museums. Get maximum joyful and positive emotions. At first you do it through force, but then you will get out of this quagmire of depression and melancholy;
• The approach is wrong if you allow the chance of restoring the relationship. Yes, it is worth trying to save the family, but this is done before the breakup. When a decision is made to separate, it is necessary to say with confidence that there is no turning back. Get rid of all thoughts about renewing your relationship from your head. Yes, the cases are different, but do not assume that people get back together immediately after a divorce;
• Any separation is unpleasant. And if you make a scandal after that, then the situation will only worsen. Therefore, there is no need to find out who is more right and who is more to blame, look for arguments, etc. Showdowns no longer make any sense. This will only ruin your nerves and drive you into depression;
• If you have lived with a man for a long time, it is difficult to erase him from your life at once. This is where attempts arise to bring him back, or to keep abreast of the events of his life. There is no need to do this. If you don't have children, then... And if you do have children, then reduce communication to a minimum;
• a new relationship will help you forget your ex-man, but you should do this carefully. Otherwise, new disappointment awaits you;
• In order to forget all the grievances, use this technique: look at what happened as a lesson in life. Think of everything bad that happened as an opportunity to learn something. Yes, the lesson was not easy, but you learned it. Thank your ex-man for the science, move towards a new life.

How to let go of your ex-husband

To understand how to let go of your ex-husband, that the relationship is over, it is important to listen to the following tips:

• for starters understand why you need it. Let's imagine that your husband initiated the divorce. As you know, you won’t be able to force a person to fall in love with you, so your desire to correct the situation will be a failure. Understand that everything is already over. Don't threaten a man, don't blackmail him. This kind of behavior leads nowhere and will only ruin the relationship even more. Even if you threaten suicide, it will not bring back the feelings. He will be with you out of pity, but not for long;
• talk to him. Tell me that you feel bad alone. Be prepared to hear something unpleasant. Few men are ready to return after such conversations. More often, partners say that they have already decided everything, and restoring the relationship is impossible. But it is worth noting that these are the words that help you understand the situation and sober up. You hear a truth that you will eventually accept;
• switch your attention to new things. Volunteering is a great way to get rid of... You will meet many new people, and perhaps new love. In your heart, you will quickly release the man into a new life. In addition, volunteering helps you look at life in a new way. This gives an understanding that there are worse situations in which people do not give up. Against this background, your breakup will seem like a real trifle;
• if this helps you then communicate with other members of the opposite sex. Immerse yourself in new novels to forget the bitterness of a breakup. But you shouldn’t pin your hopes on such a relationship. Take them as a pleasant pastime, otherwise the feeling of emptiness will consume you
• if required, you can contact a psychologist. A professional specialist will certainly help you let the man go, suggest a solution to the problem, and you will see the relationship from a new perspective.

Remember that after any black stripe a white one will certainly come. Perhaps this is the beginning of a happy life.

March 3, 2014, 10:56 am

It’s hard to believe, but in Russian psychology there is not a single more or less significant study on how to survive grief. Loss of love, divorce or separation is a serious test for mental health. “Grief syndrome” can dull feelings for many years and isolate one from the colors of life. And yet, my own practice and the experience of foreign colleagues allow me to offer a universal and quite effective scheme for coping with the tragedy of separation, loss, and betrayal.

Revision phase

Sigmund Freud wrote about the importance of “severing psychic energy from a loved but now lost object.” But in order to emerge from grief, you must first surrender to the wave. Do not restrain yourself, allow yourself to grieve, remembering all the brightest and best things that are associated with the departed person, remember also the unfinished things - unspoken grievances, unresolved feelings of guilt, unfinished joint plans.

Disposal phase

When the first acuteness of the loss has subsided, try to abruptly, ruthlessly free yourself from the things and photographs of your ex-partner (it’s better if you just return everything to him!), forbid yourself to go to his pages on social networks, call mutual friends to get information. This will undoubtedly take some time. When you stop coming into contact with the material carriers of the memory of your ex-man, you will be ready for liberation.

Separation phase

Psychologists call the third phase of liberation the final separation, division. It’s as if two streams of life begin to flow in your memory - the present and the past. At some point, you suddenly discover that you are able to look back without pain, without feeling anger and resentment. You feel like an observer before whom the river of memory brings ashore memories of yesterday.

Advice: Don’t try to build a new relationship immediately after a difficult breakup, to make your partner a “band-aid” for mental pain. From consulting experience, I can say that nothing good comes from such relationships. It is better to give your own soul the opportunity to rest, rethink the bitter experience, and become stronger. This takes time. Everyone has their own countdown - some will need several months, others a year.