Hello, I’m 26 years old, I recently (about two months) started a relationship with a guy. Almost immediately it became clear that he has a best friend, with whom they spend a lot of time, share personal things, and help others out in difficult situations. They have been friends for a long time, more than 5 years.
At first I didn’t attach any importance to this, although I can’t say that I wasn’t hurt by the (so dense) presence of another girl in my boyfriend’s life. She was silent because he had only been with me for a short time, and he had been friends with her for a long time... you couldn’t immediately ask him to change his social circle. But for me this question is fundamental. There shouldn't be other girls!
She expressed her point of view, did not ask for anything, did not set conditions. MCH himself talked about her, tried a lot to explain that they only had friendship and nothing. Although there was a relationship before, after which they remained friends,
I was very worried, I decided to act wisely, or even cunningly like a woman, to gradually get rid of her presence. But I don’t know exactly how yet and I can’t understand. For me, “Yulenka” is too affectionate a name for a friend. In addition, their communication consists of constant correspondence on social networks, calls and SMS. Moreover, they discuss our relationship too.
Please suggest the correct course of action. For now, I only have the option of breaking up or saying directly that I am against it, and this looks like an ultimatum ((
Hello Camilla!
You have been dating a young man not long ago and your importance, compared to the importance of your girlfriend in his life, is not so great. If he communicates more closely with another girl than with you, it means he trusts her more, she is closer to him. Your feelings can be understood - you also don’t know this guy well enough yet and you are frightened by such a degree of closeness between a young man and his girlfriend.
You cannot force a guy not to communicate with his girlfriend. Ultimatums look rude and sometimes stupid. There is an option that you will spend more time with the young man and gradually your girlfriend will fade into the background. This is provided that the young man is very passionate about you. You can also reconsider your views on their relationship, accept the situation as it is, don’t stress yourself out, continue dating, perceive that woman not as a rival, but as part of your young man’s life. Both of these tactics require time and your flexibility.
If you understand that you just can’t come to terms with the presence of that girl in your loved one’s life, then leave this relationship. Just without loud statements - either me or her. Just say that you are very jealous, you can’t cope with your emotions, you love the guy, but you can’t watch their friendship, suffer from it, so leave. No demands or complaints.
Good luck to you!
Gritsyshina Alevtina Vladimirovna - psychologist, Skype consultant, Minsk
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0Camilla, hello. You are doing everything right, but I will make an adjustment. Don’t try to get rid of her, as the guy will feel this and only on the contrary will communicate with her more, but now decide for yourself that she is not in your life, treat her as an “empty place”. Don’t raise the question about your friend yourself, if the guy starts it himself, then answer with humor that you are not against communicating with her, but you are not interested in their conversations, let it be their secret - answer approximately in the same way, with elements of humor. Build relationships for yourself, be patient and consistent, include elements of humor and find common interests. With all my heart, I wish you success and all the best!!!
Igor Letuchy - psychologist, master of psychology, online (Skype) consultant
Good answer 2 Bad answer 0Are there really few free men in the world, and is it necessary to spoil a friendship with an ugly act? Perhaps, this question was asked by every woman who found herself abandoned by her husband because of a friend. Surprisingly, a man “recaptured” in this way rarely remains close to the one who fought him off. Usually their relationship quickly breaks down or becomes so unbearable that the rival herself is no longer happy with what she did. No wonder the phrase “you can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune” appeared.
Psychologists are sure that female rivalry has very deep roots. Men have their own topics for competition, and for representatives of the fairer sex, the battle for love almost washed away their entire lives. But why then don’t some women try to assert themselves with the help of someone else’s chosen one, and don’t feed others bread, but let them annoy a friend? If the desire for competition is too strong, as well as an inferiority complex, because of which the insidious friend cannot achieve her female happiness, then attempts to destroy someone else's love will occur constantly.
Why take someone else's boyfriend away?
Basically, all men are good - choose anyone. But for some reason, my friend’s boyfriend is always better, funnier, more attractive, smarter, etc. But usually a treacherous friend is pushed to meanness not by great love, but by an ordinary feeling of envy of a more successful and happy competitor. Not at all because of the exclusivity of the chosen one, as many men think.
The trouble is that it is inherent in nature itself that a happy woman is a woman in marriage, that is, in a couple and with a reliable man. Despite the progressive emancipation, the female need for a strong shoulder, laid down over centuries, if not millennia, makes itself felt. For many years, a single woman was considered a lost and extremely unhappy woman. Today, loneliness is far from a symbol of death or misfortune, but it is one thing to choose such a life yourself, and another thing to fail to win a man. This is why some women constantly “practice”, proving to themselves that they are competitive, beautiful and in demand.
Psychologists explain this behavior in terms of an inferiority complex. A strong woman does not need to prove to herself what she is capable of. That is why such representatives of the fair sex quickly find a life partner, arrange a family, become successful, loved and happy. Unlucky girlfriends will rush for a long time between guys led away by treachery, but will never find their soul mate. After all, by taking away someone else’s property, you can’t count on a cloudless and happy life. In rare cases, a woman is driven by true love, and not by a banal feeling of envy. If, nevertheless, the strength of feeling for a strange man is strong, then a self-confident woman will find a way to achieve what she wants without stooping to meanness and betrayal.
How to recognize your girlfriend's intentions
Psychologists note that deceived women themselves provoke their friends to meanness. If a friend does not have a good personal life, if she likes to flirt with other people’s men and is not shy about discussing spicy topics, then it is better to refrain from communicating with such a friend or at least tell her less about yourself. Many women are envious by nature, but some manage to take control of the primitive feeling, others do not. In order to avoid getting into an unpleasant situation and becoming a victim of deception by an insidious friend, you need to pay attention to her behavior. You should be wary if your friend:
- looks unhappy and constantly needs help - of course, any woman may someday need help or support, but excessive exploitation of someone else's man should lead to certain thoughts. Situations when a man goes to help his girlfriend alone are especially undesirable. It is unknown in what form she meets someone else's chosen one. Maybe she's already set the table and put on a glamorous peignoir. Unfortunately, this is exactly what most insidious girlfriends do;
- too curious - if a friend is interested in the details of your personal life, this is a bad signal. Intimate questions help her better probe your man and find your weak points. All you have to do is complain to a cunning friend that you don’t like some position in sex, and she will have a trump card in her hands. It is better to discuss intimate issues in the office of a sexologist or psychoanalyst, but not with a single friend;
- strives to treat a man - it is known that the way to a man lies through his stomach, so many women try to attract attention to themselves in this way. The less a man eats “from someone else’s hands,” the better. Even if your friend does not have selfish intentions, you should not give your husband a reason for comparison, especially if cooking is not your forte;
- excessively praises a strange man - men are greedy for compliments, and wives and regular girlfriends eventually stop pampering them with kind words. If a friend unobtrusively reminds your man of how strong, confident, successful he is, etc., then this will certainly endear him to her. And the first sympathy may be followed by a stronger feeling;
- shares secrets with your man - your chosen one is not a vest or an adviser for your friend, then why does she go to him, and even discuss slippery or personal topics behind your back? The worst thing is when a friend starts talking about you, and if you really have secrets that you would not like to reveal to a man, then such a close connection between a friend and a husband is doubly dangerous;
- treats a man like a girlfriend - she can ask his advice on how to behave in a given situation, what dress to choose, what restaurant to prefer. At first it looks innocent and seemingly harmless, but, on the one hand, it demonstrates the importance of a man and emphasizes his authority. On the other hand, a man’s excessive involvement in her personal space makes him think about her more and more often, develops a habit and even an attachment. It is especially dangerous to take a man shopping together. A cunning friend may ask him to fasten the clasp on a dress in the fitting room or to evaluate how beautiful the underwear she has chosen for herself is.
Should you value your friendship with a woman who makes eyes at your husband or boyfriend? Of course not, because already at that moment when the friend secretly dreamed of someone else’s man, the friendship ended. But this does not mean at all that you need to quarrel with a dishonest friend and burn bridges. Moreover, if you are connected not only by friendship, but by professional or family relationships. You just need to timely monitor changes in your friend’s behavior and stop her attempts to put pressure on your man. You can even limit communication, find reasons to avoid having to deal with an unreliable friend again, or try to switch her to another man. Sometimes this is how you manage to save your own marriage and your relationship with a friend.
How can you tell if a guy likes his girlfriend?
Classic love triangle or secret sympathy. Either way, no one wants to share, and they certainly don't want to be left out in the cold and heartbroken. Let's try to understand the situation. How can you tell if a guy likes his girlfriend?
Let's look at two cases. The first is that your boyfriend may like your girlfriend. Is this really true?
1. Your partner is often interested in your friend. He asks how she is doing and her health, sends greetings, and offers to spend time together.
2. When you all meet together, the guy and girlfriend communicate too much with each other without noticing you. You feel out of place in this small company. The young man jokes, your girlfriend laughs and listens attentively. Could there be something more between them than just friendship? Was there some kind of spark?
3. In the presence of your girlfriend, the young man changes his attitude towards you. He becomes more rude, avoids physical contact, hugs and kisses. Often he can make offensive jokes at you.
4. He writes to her on social networks. Likes and comments on photos.
The young man has a crush on your friend. You shouldn't blame her right away. Perhaps she didn’t do anything to interest your boyfriend, she doesn’t wish you harm, it’s just that the man himself shows sympathy towards her. Have a conversation with your man, if he likes your friend better, then maybe he will be better off with her? Why would he deceive both himself and you. But here, of course, everything depends on the situation. It also happens that girlfriends are jealous or experience some other negative feelings, and try to divert the guy’s attention to themselves.
The second case is that you like a guy, you communicate with him, but suddenly you notice that he is more interested in your friend. How might this manifest itself?
1. If the three of you are walking together or in a large group, he invites you first, not you, but your friend, and you already go with her.
2. If you are alone, he asks about your friend and almost all conversations lead to the topic of her.
3. He looks at her, asks questions, is interested in something, listens carefully. And you remain on the sidelines without his attention.
4. After a walk, if you go home all together, then first he offers to accompany you, and then your friend. This gives the young man a chance to be alone with her.
5. He responds to your messages on social networks in monosyllables, while he has a fairly active correspondence with his girlfriend.
To understand the situation, it is better to talk to your friend. If she admits that their communication cannot be called friendly, and the young man does not hide his sympathy for her, then perhaps it is better to step aside. Neither you, nor the young man, nor the girlfriend are to blame for the fact that everything turns out this way.
"Hello, Katya!
There is a topic that has been bothering me for a long time. Namely, female friendship. I hope you will answer my letter, because I myself am no longer understanding why I am alone.
Julia, I’m 24. I’m not stupid, I’m a beautiful, sociable girl with a lot of hobbies.
I entered and studied with excellent marks at the best university in the city. Money was always tight, but I never stopped taking care of myself - I went in for sports, read a lot of books, behaved with dignity, and knew how to dress beautifully with a minimum amount of money. She was cheerful and sympathetic to others. I liked everything that I had - I had no reason to complain, be offended by anything, and especially not to envy anyone. I understood that yes, maybe I don’t have money now, like, for example, my classmates, but I’m not stupid, I’m kind to people and I look good - I’ll definitely find everything that I’m missing in life. And even if I don’t find it, most likely it’s not what I needed. That life does everything right. No, Katya, don’t think that I’m relying on fate to go with the flow, not at all. This is rather my way of thinking, which helps me trust the world around me, not compete with anyone, not envy any material wealth and just love myself.
I didn't have any problems with young people.
There have always been guys interested in me, there have been lovers, those who look at you for years with bated breath, but you understand that it’s not yours. There were those who I really liked, but for some reason it didn’t work out. In general, nothing supernatural. I just didn’t really need a relationship until a certain point; it was the tenth item on the list. The whole world is open to me, and here are some guys with their very transparent intentions.
But with girls... It's difficult. It’s very difficult, Katya. This is just from that opera when you seem to be doing everything right, but it’s somehow crooked. And this is not just one or two cases, but almost every time. So the problem is clearly me.
In childhood, of course, there were girlfriends.
Until the age of 12, she was the leader in the class, in the yard, she was friends with many people, everything was simple and clear. At 12, I moved with my family to a small town, and somehow it turned out that there was absolutely no one to communicate with except my classmates. Well, it was somehow not customary to be close friends there. It seems like no one needs it. But I was always drawn to people and it was difficult and incomprehensible.
In general, until the age of 16, my friends were my mother and grandmother and the neighbor kids, with whom I sometimes babysat. After graduating from school, I moved to St. Petersburg and felt that this was it, finally there would be many peers around me, open and interesting people. And she was friends. Purely in a young way - movies, walks around the city, big companies, drinking, in the end.
But, of course, it didn’t bring me much spiritual satisfaction; I didn’t find any friends there.
Guys - yes they are. They are somehow immediately drawn to it and are interested. I tried to be friends with them, but, as you understand, at that age and in the company they were looking for something other than that, which was not interesting to me.
Then there were a lot of conscious parties outside the university environment, and now I found her.
She is the daughter of a rich mother, cultured, educated, beautiful and just as a little crazy as I was by that time. We had everything - living together, going to clubs and terrible drunken altercations, details of intimate life, long conversations at night, common troubles for both of us... and much, much more.
This was my ideal. We were sisters, always together, always close. It was higher than all the love stories I had experienced at that time.
But it's over. After two or three years, I was focused on finishing college and she said that I was becoming too serious and like I was old.
At first she said this as a joke, but at some point she simply found herself another, less busy and more reckless friend. And here I simply could not be on the sidelines.
Look at the photos on social networks where the two of them are hanging out here and there, and also at those Zhenya-Sasha’s last Saturday.
It sounds strange, I understand.
It’s as if I’m projecting emotions that are no longer friendly onto friendship.
But this is all because she was the very person who gave me warmth and joy, the closest and dearest soul. I have never felt more discomfort during a breakup than then. We tried to somehow fix everything later, but it was no longer the same as before. And her life has already changed too dramatically.
Now I have the best young man, I am very happy with him. There are two best friends, also guys. I feel comfortable and protected.
But I really miss the warmth of such female communication as I had with her.
I have many friends whom I can write and arrange to go to the cinema, drink coffee or walk around the city. I feel very sincere about these girls, I want the best for them and I want to get close to them, but it doesn't go beyond that.
The most incomprehensible thing for me is that I invariably remain the initiator of calls, meetings, and even correspondence. Despite the fact that I don’t impose, and I see that the girls are pleasant and fun with me when we meet. But for some reason I am always the initiator. Maybe they just don't need it? Maybe they are too busy solving their problems, and I’m here with my friendship and coffee gatherings?
Please tell me, Katya, what am I doing wrong?
P.S. One day I asked my man why he thinks none of the girls get closer to me, because I want it so much. He laughed and said: “Would you like to be the ugly girlfriend in a couple? So they don’t want to.” I understand that he tried to calm me down and compliment me at the same time, but now this thought haunts me. Is it really that I can’t find a girl to match me?”
I thought this was an interesting letter)
A woman once said something that outraged me. Like, my friend is my husband, and I don’t need others.
Now, quite a few years later, this also outrages me a little, such categoricalness, but I understand that there is some truth in this.
You need girlfriends, but somehow life arranges that girlfriends don’t even fade into the background over time; and the man you live with knows no less than your girlfriends about what you are like and what’s in your head. You share your daily little joys and sorrows with him. It turns out that way, and how could it be otherwise.
Hey, he knows more about you than his girlfriends) You tell your girlfriends yourself, but he sees you, a la naturel, every day)
In general, the guy who appears, if you have an emotionally good relationship with him, usually occupies the “friendship-communication” niche very strongly. And if you live well and don’t quarrel at all, then there’s not much left for your girlfriend. Both time and emotions.
And any friendship forever still sooner or later turns into “getting together and having coffee”, well if once a month. It's good if.
I'm talking about intimacy. For the future.
So I read the letter and think: what degree of intimacy do you need? And for what? Why exactly do you need a bosom girlfriend? How often can you meet her? What do you want to discuss with her?
You need a close friend when you have to discuss emotion. Those very “details of each other’s intimate life”, when they have not yet become commonplace, still cause delight)
True, the more personal life everyone has in the stash, the more boring it is to talk about it. You and your friend have already seen it, what’s there to discuss)
In general, that friend just found herself in a period where student life, partying, the beginning of everything and a lot of emotions that you want to share, otherwise you will burst.
And give you this friend now - well, you won’t go out again and get into trouble. Everything has its time.
Girlfriends - they are generally not for friendship forever, forever, in spite of and will never part. Girlfriends are just a certain group of people you enjoy being with.
We need to check on someone. And for someone to check on you.
And repetition Togo, with the same emotional intensity - impossible.
No, of course, it’s good to have a bosom girlfriend.
But essentially any girlfriends act as a cover group)
You know that they exist and, if something happens, at least you have someone to whine to or tell something funny about. If it happens. And if it doesn’t happen *the further you go, the fewer events, everything settles down* - then why meet often?
What is there to dig into anyway? Especially if you're doing well.
And one more thing.
Among my friends there are a couple of very close ones who saw me in snot, and in tears, and other indecency.
It's true.
But to think so - what kind of heart secrets do I have that my girls don’t already know about me? I know everything about Lizka, Lizka knows everything about me. Lizka is close, very close. But we both know everything about Svetka, Olya, Irka, Natasha... and they know everything about us. And we sympathize with each other quite sincerely, and there is someone to rejoice with.
We rarely meet all together; if you gather a full group of us, there will be a dozen of us. But mostly we meet more with whom.
Some are geographically close, while others have the same work schedules. Some people are simply closer in spirit to others.
But still we are all each other's friends. Not Best Friends TM, but girlfriends, a bachelorette party of good friends and old acquaintances. Let's get together - happy to tweet.
And everyone knows who is in pain, who was abandoned, and who had an abortion. On major holidays and anniversaries (my God, we've lived to see this!) - we all get together. We're having a good time. And also, by the way, we have girls who never call first (or only if it’s a holiday), but if you call, they come and are happy to see you.
It’s just that everyone has their own rhythm of life, their own affairs, problems
But we still don’t care to each other one way or another, girlfriends. What else do you need? What is the degree of proximity?
Here you write: “I have a lot of friends that I can write to and arrange to go to the cinema, drink coffee or walk around the city. I am very sincere about these girls, I wish them the best and want to get closer to them, but it doesn’t go beyond that.”
If you have friends with whom you have a good and pleasant time, and you have someone to go to the movies with, chat with, drink coffee with, then that’s great. Believe me, this is sooo much!
And why do you need more? What special thing do you want to share with a very, very close friend? Moreover, the martyr over there, as you say, is very close.
Life itself arranges it this way, so there is no need to be sad.
It's not about you or anything at all.
It’s just that the stars align in such a way that sometimes friends become almost relatives. For the rest of your life, even if they somehow quarrel, it doesn’t matter where you go - your loved ones.
But these stars converge very difficult. Not everyone agrees and not always. This is more likely an amazing coincidence than a pattern.
________
© Ekaterina Bezymyannaya
