I'm a potential ex-husband. 9 years old life together married, 10 years from the moment they met. Two children, girls. This year the eldest is 9 years old, the youngest is 5 years old. She wants a divorce. On my part, there is no betrayal, alcoholism and other “strong” vices. There is normal smoking during working hours, I didn’t smoke at home, my wife never saw me with a cigarette, she only smelled it after a working day. There is still disagreement about taking out significant amounts on credit. He believes that you need to build EVERYTHING in a year or two or three, buy EVERYTHING, and then give it away. At one time I worked as a credit expert, I saw a lot, and I have a negative attitude towards loans of significant amounts. This is where the disagreement lies. After the second child, sex became rare, at most 2-3 times a week, and then sometimes as necessary, either on my part or on hers. This is not enough for her and me. But at the same time, we are both silent and angry at each other. You won’t even get a smile from her for several years, she just demands it. The other day I found old photos from past years, even when the eldest daughter was born and then until about the youngest daughter was 2 years old. In these photos we are still happy. Of course, they quarreled from time to time for various reasons. But I always thought it was important that we put up because we love. Everyone quarrels, but only those who love reconcile. But just like that, out of nowhere, she announced two months ago that she wants a divorce. That she suffered for all nine years. And what wants to start new life. With children and without me. And me!? She single-handedly made the decision to destroy my family and leaves me alone. Without children next to me! Of course I was shocked at first. Of course, I took it emotionally. But what do you, wives, expect from men declaring that they want to destroy the family? That they will joyfully jump around you, thanking you for the destruction?! She says that this is the beginning of a new life for her. But we perceive divorce differently. For me this is destruction. Imagine the picture after the explosion of an atomic bomb in the city, these are ruins.
Don’t you think that maybe it’s you who can’t “keep a home.” Often from you kind words you won’t get it, but you keep demanding and demanding.
The more I think about the consequences of divorce, the more painful it becomes. A person has consciousness, these are thoughts at the current moment in time, memories of the past and thoughts about the future. This is probably the very soul that religions talk about. So the rupture creates a deep wound in the mind and it heals with terrible pain. She's pressing. Imagining Her with another woman is even more painful; rage rises. I don’t know how I’ll behave if I suddenly meet the potential future M. And to realize that the children will be raised by some kind of “leftist dad” who the mother needs for comfort - brings on weakness, pain and anger at the same time; man, but you want to cry at other times.
And also, why should husbands always give in, even when they are right, and wives do not even want to accept the idea that they should give in to their husbands on some issue.
This state of “she wants a divorce” has been going on for two and a half months now. It's hard, it's painful, it's inevitable... because SHE wants it. The feeling that this is the end.
And yet... I want an official war, so that the law gives the right to shed other people’s blood, so that not only you feel bad, so that you can release all the anger for everything on everyone. And at some point, let there be peace and quiet.
02/20/2015 08:33:57, Sergey198206
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It is customary for the husband to be the protector and the stone wall, the owner and protector, and the wife to cook borscht and meet her husband at the door. And people follow invented stereotypes, even if they don’t like it. They believe that this is what a real family should look like, and there is no other way. Sooner or later, your eyes stop shining with love, and you no longer want to force yourself to be strong and make decisions. I want to be happy, but there are no instructions on how to do it. And without instructions, all that remains is divorce. Usually psychologists advise not to jump too quickly and try to save the marriage. This is wonderful, but only if the cause of the discord is really just a misunderstanding, or outside influence. But, if people are initially different and this marriage is a complete misunderstanding, you should not hold on to it and suffer. Divorce can be a step towards a new, happy life for both spouses, but with other partners.
Interesting statistics on marriages and divorces in Russia
But divorce statistics for 5 years, including 2016, show that the number of divorced families remains almost unchanged, which cannot be said about the number of officially registered marriages - there are fewer of them. Divorce statistics in Moscow over the past year show a decrease in their number compared to the previous year. However, the number of applications for marriage registration has also decreased.
In St. Petersburg, too, similar dynamics are observed as in Moscow. Divorce statistics by year show that the lower the number of registrations, the less often divorce occurs. Divorce and children What are the statistics on divorce after the birth of a child? For many couples, no matter how many years they have been married, the birth of their first child leaves an imprint on the relationship between the spouses.
The main reason is psychological unpreparedness for drastic changes, as the usual schedule of living together is disrupted.
9 facts about divorce that every couple planning a wedding should know
Therefore, do not try to spend your annual budget on a banquet, do not try to surprise the audience with something or defeat your former rival. Better spend that money on something romantic honeymoon or put them aside in reserve. According to sociologists, excessive extravagance shows that spouses are likely to be unable to manage their finances properly.
And on this basis they will have disagreements. But a large number of invited guests, on the contrary, potentially indicates the strength of the relationship. Divorce affects your heart health Recent studies show that women who have gone through a divorce are more likely to suffer from heart attacks. This information will be important for men who care about the health of their significant other.
For women who have been through divorce proceedings two or more times, the risk of developing cardiovascular disease increases by 77 percent.
Statistical table of divorces in Russia in different years
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The age group is from 20 to 25 years, i.e. girls born between 1900 and 1995 make up 40% of all marriages. Girls from 26 to 30 years old – 27%. And the group of 30–35 years old accounts for only 12% of the total number of marriages. The overwhelming majority of unions are concluded by men and women whose ages range from 20 to 35 years.
This trend appeared relatively recently. In Russia, before the 90s, it was customary to enter into an alliance at a younger age. However, values have changed, the lines between the sexes have blurred, women have become emancipated, and age has also ceased to matter much. Marriage unions began to be concluded after 25 years. At this time, both spouses are educated, social status and a mature worldview.But early marriages also occur. They are the ones who very often fall into the 16% barrier of divorced people who have not lived even 2 years in marriage.
Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage?
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Content:
- Why does a relationship break down?
- Russian divorces
- How long does marriage last in Russia?
- Number of divorces by region
- Divorce and children
- Behavior of spouses after divorce
- Divorces for 2016–2017 in Ukraine and Belarus
Just a couple of centuries ago, the official divorce of a marriage was considered almost the biggest shame in life. Today this process has become the norm for society. Divorce statistics directly indicate this. More detailed statistics on divorces in percentage can be seen in the table: Country Number of divorces in percentage Portugal 67 Netherlands Germany Norway 48 Finland 45 America 53 Russia about 51 Belarus 45 Ukraine Moldova 42 Kazakhstan 27 Uzbekistan 8 Tajikistan 6 As you can see, almost every second married couple gets divorced.
How to decide to divorce after 10 years of marriage?
In many countries around the world, divorce statistics are constantly growing. For example, in Russia approximately half of marriages will break up. Even if newlyweds make a vow to be with each other “until death do them part,” there is a 50 percent chance that they will break it.
Having studied divorce statistics in detail, sociologists have come to some interesting conclusions. What to do to avoid ending up on the “dark side”? Get married closer to 30. Newlyweds who make informed choices have a greater chance of building a strong family. According to statistics, the least divorces are registered if people got married closer to their thirtieth birthday.
If the newlyweds are under twenty, then they are first in line for a potential breakup. Psychologists explain it this way: a strong desire to get married cannot be the key to a healthy relationship.
Divorce after many years of marriage: 10 most common reasons
After an unsuccessful marriage, only 27% of the fairer sex remarry. According to official divorce statistics, 15% of women in such unions do not re-apply for divorce. For divorced men, the numbers are significantly different. Only 68% remarry.
Among them, 73% find family happiness. It is worth noting that the divorce process has a negative impact on the health of the participants. In this case, men are more susceptible to the occurrence of diseases than women. For example, divorce is one of the main causes of myocardial infarction. Do wives return to ex-husbands after a breakup? Not all spouses understand that in order for them to get back together, they both need to analyze what happened, draw adequate conclusions and try to change something in themselves. If only one of the spouses does this, then everything will end like the first time.
Statistics of marriages and divorces over the past 5 years in Russia
And again, of course, I advise you to think about whether the situation is so serious that you can’t do without a divorce? Maybe everything can still be fixed? Difficult question and it cannot be answered by someone from the outside; the couple must understand this. My friend's sister got divorced after 10 years of marriage, it was a very difficult decision for both of them. They were a wonderful couple, they lived very well, in prosperity and love, and had everything except children.
Gradually, every year this problem grew like a snowball and they could not solve it. Divorced. Now she is expecting a child from someone else, and he drinks. The reasons are different, but I know one thing, be that as it may, but if people don’t love each other or can’t anymore, then it’s better to separate, why torture each other? Divorce is stressful! “...Parting is a small death...” No matter how long you live with a person (a year, three, ten), it is difficult in any case.
Is there life after 10 years of marriage?
The main reason is that many couples do not want to register their union and live in a civil marriage. Such cohabitation can last for a long time, but without children. With the arrival of the baby, most parents decide to legalize their relationship. An analysis of divorce statistics in Russia shows that such families are much less likely to apply for divorce. However, not all couples are given a divorce. If the spouse is pregnant, then there can be no talk of any kind of divorce. When a child is born, the father is required to stay with him for up to one year. If the situation has not changed during this time, then the spouses will be divorced without the wife’s consent. Divorce statistics in Russia by year indicate that over the past 50 years, broken unions in relation to marriages have not differed much in terms of numbers.
Why relationships break down Statistics on family divorce indicate the following reasons:
- approximately 42% of couples separated due to unpreparedness for family life (psychologically or physically). During the dates, it seemed that this would always be the case, and the union registered at the registry office would only strengthen the relationship. However, after marriage, an understanding comes of how different the spouses are.
Each of them requires constant attention to itself. While reciprocity is practically absent, which leads to systemic conflicts;
- 31% of women and 23% of men say that their partner’s alcohol or drug addiction led to divorce;
- 15% of wives and 12% of husbands demand a divorce due to the infidelity of their other half;
- 9% of women file for divorce because their partners do not help them with household chores.
Divorce rate after 10 years of marriage
For example, the problem of alcoholism is only getting worse in the country. Therefore, the percentage of broken families for this reason is growing. There are also statistics on the reasons that spouses themselves indicate when filing for divorce.
- Approximately 25% indicate infidelity;
- 15% of divorced couples report sexual dissatisfaction with their partner;
- About 13% cite personality incompatibility;
- 7% indicate alcohol dependence.
The fact of the birth of a child changes the attitude of the spouses. Not all couples can survive the first months of sleep deprivation. Nervousness and irritation appear. Therefore, the birth of a child can both unite a family and destroy it. But there are couples who can live in the same territory, but not be a full-fledged family. Sometimes spouses even start parallel families.
There are many options for how an offended husband can react to his wife’s earnings: He demands that she quit her job in order to again become the master of the situation. He can insult and humiliate his wife in some everyday situations. Drinking with friends and women is possible in order to drown out this pain. It’s not logical, but what can you do, offended men don’t always act logically. Lack of children. Again, a man does not feel complete if he does not have children. There were cases when husbands left their wives, who gave birth to girls, not boys. Fortunately, most men these days are no longer so obsessed with sons, and they don’t care what gender the child will be, but there must be one. Lack of understanding in the family. Sometimes couples marry out of great love, but very soon they realize that the love is gone, and nothing else connects them.
If we had known from the beginning how to behave correctly in the family.
Even more unions would be lifelong if each one was concluded thoughtfully and at a time when both partners are truly ready for such a relationship.
What to do if your parents are getting divorced? Find out about this from ours.
Main reasons
Who doesn’t have friends who make you cringe and spoil your mood for a long time?
When to your soulmate a pile of claims is accumulating(it is possible that they were even voiced and discussed together more than once, but did not bring the desired result), then communication with her even on neutral topics often provokes the same reaction.
As a result, divorce becomes the only way out to maintain a normal psyche and even prevent a crime.
Why do women get divorced?
Often, ladies hold on to the bonds of marriage until the last moment, fearing that they will end up in the status of a divorcee for a thousand and one personal reasons. What could be the last straw for initiating divorce proceedings:
In what cases are men the initiators of divorce?
Gentlemen are less emotional and endure everyday adversities more easily. Apparently, this is why divorces on male initiative account for 40% of all official cases of divorce.
The most common compelling arguments
Good reasons:
Why do they break up after decades of married life?
Why do people get divorced after 10-20 years of marriage?
What circumstances should I indicate when making an application to the court?
Not everyone during a divorce wants to demonstrate to the world that how dishonest the other half turned out to be.
But in statement of claim for a divorce, it is advisable to write about the motives, taking into account which the official authority should agree to dissolve the plaintiff’s marriage.
To avoid getting into family troubles and don't indulge in demagoguery, the following wording can be specified in the document:
It is not necessary to draw up a list of claims - during the hearing of the case in court, the plaintiff will be given the opportunity to voice everything that he considers necessary to make public.
Divorce is one of the most unpleasant things, which can happen in the life of any married adult. But even this milestone can become a turning point in everyone’s fate if both ex-spouses do correct conclusions from such an unpleasant experience.
Why are there so many divorces? Why do people get divorced and how to avoid it? Popular Psychology:
However, according to statistics, wives return after a divorce much less often. An analysis of the number of divorces in Russia according to statistics shows that a family can break up even after 29 years of marriage. Divorces for 2016–2017 in Ukraine and Belarus Divorce statistics in Ukraine are not reassuring. Approximately 62% of couples separate after being together for a maximum of 18 months. The reason for fleeting marriages is their conclusion in early age. Young spouses who are not ready to start a new life often do not understand that the candy-bouquet period will not last forever. Therefore, when faced with the first difficulties, they regret taking a hasty step. It was also noted that of the couples living in a civil marriage, only 5% formalize their relationship. The situation with marriage in Belarus is different. Young people are not too eager to arrange a family life.
Interesting statistics on marriages and divorces in Russia
But if you make the decision to “forgive and forget,” you must be one hundred percent confident that you can do it. There are many techniques that will help you forgive an offense, but the main thing you must understand is that after betrayal, the relationship will definitely change. And not necessarily for the worse: if both the husband and wife found the strength to talk openly and build relationships differently, so that the betrayal does not happen again, the marriage can become even stronger.
Otherwise, the risks of repeated betrayal are very high. Reason 7 Nothing in common In every union there must be a certain common space of marriage: those matters, topics, events that are equally interesting to both. If a husband and wife do not have a single point of contact, if on weekends everyone does their own thing, it is not surprising that sooner or later such a marriage will fall apart like a house of cards.
9 facts about divorce that every couple planning a wedding should know
Civil marriages About half of all couples prefer not to get officially married. Main reasons:
- Uncertainty about the partner;
- Lack of housing for young people;
- Fear of responsibility;
- Absence of a child;
- Prejudice. Some couples are confident that after registration their lives will change dramatically.
This trend came to Russia from Europe.
France and Sweden are the world leaders in terms of civil marriages. So, the statistics of divorces in Russia is growing every year. There are more and more unregistered marriages. People have stopped fighting for their relationships and believe there is nothing wrong with divorce.
The ratio of divorced and new marriages in 2014 is 60/40%. There are no exact data for 2015 yet, but the approximate figure is 70/30%. There are plenty of reasons for official breaks in relations.
Statistical table of divorces in Russia in different years
If the spouses manage to cross this Rubicon painlessly, they are no longer afraid of any adversity. Getting married to peers Another study showed that the likelihood of divorce increases in direct proportion to the age difference between spouses. Every year between partners' ages increases the chances of divorce by three percent.
And a ten-year age difference increases the chances of separation by almost 40 percent. Everything seems logical here. Peers seem to be cut from the same cloth. They often share life views and principles with each other and have the same interests.
Why every woman should know her worth Why do cats love to sit in boxes? How a python “dined” with a porcupine and how it ended Don’t have a grand celebration As practice shows, the richer and more pompous the wedding celebration, the more likely it is to break the relationship.
Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage?
Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage, when it would seem that life has improved? After all, separation is always stressful, sometimes scandal and tears, but something makes married life so unbearable that people run headlong to the registry office and demand an immediate divorce. There are crisis years in a marriage: these are 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 and 9 years. There are continuous crises and the ninth year is no easier to survive than the first.
What happens to a family when they have lived together for so long, and what reasons could there be for the destruction of the family? Sex. Or rather, its absence. The partners are already somewhat bored with each other and understand that there will be no surprises in bed. And boring and monotonous sex gets boring very quickly.
This can be tolerated for a while, but boredom sometimes makes you look the other way and this leads us to the second reason why a couple gets divorced, after many years marriage.
How to decide to divorce after 10 years of marriage?
RAZVOdis.RU Answers to questions
- Reasons for divorce in numbers
- Statistics of marriages and divorces for 15 years in Russia
- Divorce rate by years of marriage
- Marriage statistics by age
- Civil marriages
IN different countries world there may be certain differences between the values of marriage. In Russia, over the past hundred years, the way of life has changed so much that it has led to terrible divorce statistics. Just a few decades ago, destroying a social unit was a moral crime.
Info
Couples who actually separated did not file for divorce. Today there is nothing wrong with the destruction of a family. Therefore, the divorce rate in Russia has been steadily growing over the past three years. Causes of divorce in numbers Social research and psychological surveys are conducted annually on the topic “Causes of divorce.”
Divorce after many years of marriage: 10 most common reasons
At the same time, cooking and cleaning is unnecessary. Let him hire a servant and only give her money for a manicure. This can be tolerated for a while, but when a man doesn’t see any return, or they start blackmailing him with children, that’s the end. By a strong-willed decision, a man breaks off a relationship, and will not soon venture into a new one. A mother-in-law is no better than a mother-in-law, and she can also cause divorce. Even in happy marriage If the mother-in-law doesn’t like the daughter-in-law, scandals arise from time to time. Little by little, the mother-in-law turns her son against his wife, and he begins to look at her through the eyes of his mother.
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Of course, then he will come to his senses, but often the family cannot be saved. The insults inflicted on each other are too deep and not everything can be forgiven. Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage? Psychology family relations built on stereotypes.
For some, this is the example of their parents, for others, book heroes, or happy families friends.
Statistics of marriages and divorces over the past 5 years in Russia
Russian divorces Many people mistakenly believe that divorce was rare in the Soviet Union. But that's not true. This is where the highest percentage of divorces occurred. The USSR ranked first among countries in the world. People actually disagreed, but they did not try to advertise this fact officially. After the collapse of the USSR, the CIS emerged. Divorce statistics across countries have increased dramatically. The three leaders were:
- Russia – 51%.
- Belarus – 45%.
- Ukraine – 42%.
Today, Rosstat again confirms that the number of divorce proceedings in Russia is in the lead. Despite the clauses in the law where the couple is given a certain time for reconciliation, 7% withdraw their applications.
Is there life after 10 years of marriage?
The reasons for such situations may be:
- Keeping the stamp in the passport for the sake of the child;
- The inability of one spouse to move out;
- Dependence of the material plane;
- Disagreement with divorce (most often women);
- The age of a child is up to 1 year according to the law of the Russian Federation.
Statistics of marriages and divorces for 15 years in Russia Table of divorces in numbers: Year Marriages Divorces % of divorces 2000 897327 627703 70 2001 1001589 763493 76 2002 10019762 853647 84 2003 1091778 798824 3 2004 979667 635825 65 2005 1066366 604942 57 2006 1113562 640837 58 2007 1262500 685910 54 2008 1179007 703412 60 2009 1199446 699430 58 2010 1215066 639321 53 2011 1316011 669376 52 2012 1213598 644101 53 2013 1225501 666971 55 The period from 2000 to 2004 is characterized by the highest percentage of divorces. Approximately 700 out of 1000 couples broke up their family. From 2005 to 2012, the situation improved noticeably.
Do not cheat on your spouse In fact, women who had several sexual partners before marriage do not continue their “adventures” in marriage. This is a myth created by people who do not want to accept the fact that girls no longer retain their virginity until marriage. Representatives of the fair half of humanity can easily settle down by choosing a worthy life partner. Most often they are guided by the saying “one does not seek good from good.” 15 Incredible Life Lessons From Your Loved One Winnie the Pooh How to Know If You're Developing Prediabetes: 12 Symptoms Lyme disease is caused by ticks and often goes unnoticed However, this does not work for women who, due to some physiological or psychological characteristics cannot find satisfaction in a stable relationship with one partner.
Divorce rate after 10 years of marriage
Sometimes they simply live by inertia, for the sake of children, for the sake of an apartment, for the sake of a thousand other reasons, and they may be forced to divorce severe stress. The death of loved ones, serious illness, financial problems, people do not want and cannot sympathize with each other and the gap between them becomes insurmountable. It is important for men to feel like the breadwinner and head of the family; if this is not the case, they feel unhappy. Sometimes they ask for help rather clumsily, but women do not understand their condition and offend them even more. Why do people get divorced after 10 years of marriage? male gaze on relationships differs in specifics. Although all men are different, they have the same complaints. Mother-in-law. Mother-in-law destroys marriage and these are not myths or jokes. Through her daughter, the mother-in-law manipulates her son-in-law and “teaches life” to her daughter. Of course, all mothers want their princesses to roll around like cheese in butter, so that their husband carries them in his arms and brings them slippers in his teeth.
Statistics on divorces with children confirm this fact. Every second marriage dissolution occurs shortly after the birth of the baby. But divorce is not main reason, why many children are without a parent.
Over the past 5 years, their number has increased by 30%. The explanation is simple - many women give birth without a husband. Wikipedia will tell you about this view of life in more detail.
If Russian children raised in single-parent families make up approximately 56%, then in Ukraine it is about 70%. Psychologists have noted that it is more difficult for such students to create a strong family in the future, which leads to an increase in the number of divorces according to statistics. Behavior of spouses after divorce Statistics after divorces noted the following fact - it is more difficult for a divorced woman, regardless of whether she has children or not, to remarry. The reason for such circumstances is the increased mortality of middle-aged men.
Everything is like people have: home, husband, family, work. Outwardly everything is fine, but there is no happiness. Women tend to accumulate grievances and endure, in the hope that their partner will understand everything himself. And then the understanding comes that this will never happen. Divorce, which I so wanted to avoid, now seems to be the only right decision.
Many “good girls” family life unfolds according to a very similar scenario.
Why good girls get divorced by 30
In disputes, the husband increasingly says: “Everything was fine, what’s wrong now?” But a lot of things are wrong. And not everything was fine.
Almost all of my friends are “good girls”. They obeyed their mother, teacher, and piano teacher and studied with grades 4 and 5. Then they entered college and graduated with honors. One after another they got married. Because after college it’s time to get married. Everyone gave birth right away. Because “a child is happiness” and that’s all.
10-15 years have passed. It was getting dark. Divorces began.
Discussing the past years, the accumulated grievances and difficulties, we found out many very similar details. Despite the fact that people and circumstances are completely different.
The first years, and sometimes even the first decade of marriage, were not remembered by anything. At all. Something was happening, of course. A child, a house, new recipes, a dacha with her mother-in-law... But the woman cannot remember anything specifically about herself. All revelations, incidents, victories and defeats had to do with the home, the child, the husband - just not the woman herself. She adapted to new circumstances and took a new exam every day. It's as if, when we remember school, we couldn't remember anything except the formula for aluminum carbonate or rivers in Africa.
Relations between spouses in almost everything followed this pattern: he lives, she adapts. It's surprising, but young, smart and beautiful girls They didn’t feel their own boundaries at all. There were no agreements or adjustments between the spouses, because the wife accepted everything at once. Sometimes there were attempts to repeat the model of an authoritarian mother or a stern grandmother, but they were broken up by a monstrous scandal, after which the young wife did not open her mouth. She just took all family failures personally. She took responsibility for everything and purposefully, like Mario from a computer game, jumped over all the bumps and dangerous moments.
Throughout the first 5-8 years, the wife tried to “be wise.” I tried not to argue, using various (not disdaining manipulative) techniques to achieve some of my goals... After all, the main thing is for a man to feel like a man! So that he would not even understand that it was she who wanted, and not he himself decided so. I'm watching family albums those years and I see a very diligent young woman who has perfect order, a child in lace sits in her arms, next to her is a calm, slightly distant husband... Clippings with recipes from the magazine “Liza”, magnets on the refrigerator, a hula hoop in the corner.
And at night we called each other and cried, because it was lonely within four walls, it was difficult with my husband, and I was worried with my child. But they still coped with the load because “that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
After some time, the woman returns to work. A good girl can’t just go back to work - she does everything there with straight A’s. Immerses himself headlong in work projects, constantly discusses work tasks and problems at home, devotes less time to family and household chores. The husband is not used to this and begins to get angry: “Why do you need this? I’d rather sit at home and take care of the children.” What follows is a long, tedious argument that lasts several years. In which an excellent student, having organized her child and everyday life, fights for the right to be a successful woman.
The Cold War period is coming. There is no former idyll, the relationship is spoiled by eternal mutual discontent. The woman understands that these rules by which she lived for years are not her rules. That everything would have to be agreed upon on shore. But good girls don't dictate their rules to anyone. They do as they are told. And now turning this train around is a million-dollar task.
In disputes, the husband increasingly says: “Everything was fine, what’s wrong now?” But a lot of things are wrong. And not everything was fine. That is, we are changing, and something needs to be changed in relationships. But for these changes, the eternal readiness of a good girl to do everything with an A is no longer enough. Both spouses often say words that are then difficult to forget. And sometimes they commit actions that cannot be easily forgiven.
The husband sees his wife with different eyes. Every good girl, when she suddenly begins to achieve some success in her work, creativity or hobby, must have a period when her husband suddenly begins to look at her with different eyes. And he himself is the initiator of rapprochement. But for some reason all his attempts seem so pitiful, so insignificant against the background of the years he has lived. And it seems to him that full-fledged courtship of his own wife is somehow wild. But taking out the trash in the morning is okay, he can make such a sacrifice. Or take her to a nice hotel for the weekend...
And suddenly the woman sees that the family responsibilities of the spouses are divided into two unequal columns - his salary and her everything else. That everything - from washing to vacation, from children's problems to installing a new one washing machine- on her. Because after many years of maternity leave, she is not immediately hired for a job with a high salary, which means that while her husband earns a living, she does everything else. And this is a million small and large tasks that need to be solved daily. And next to her is her neighbor husband, who makes fun of her ineptly gluing wallpaper. And here, like it or not, the question arises. If you suddenly get a high-paying job, why would you need a husband?
Now my friends are incredible beautiful women over 30. True, they are beautiful - I rarely see them even in movies. They have stability in their work, a lot of ideas and plans, the child is growing up... But if we talk about personal things, then the conversation most often does not go at all. Or it comes down to not very pleasant memories. The kind of man she had for many years is not needed. And there never were others. The good girl now has a boss, a teacher and a mother - herself. And she herself simply avoids unnecessary stress that leads nowhere.
These are quite prosperous stories of generally prosperous people. They were all looking for something, losing something, finding something else and rethinking what they had lived.
But I keep thinking, why is this? Of course, just out of female solidarity, I have a lot of questions for the husbands from these stories. But I also see that it is impossible to blame them alone for a failed family. If a man is given something regularly and without complaint, he gets used to it and takes it for granted. And many years later, when he hears that it was not out of pure altruism, but that he wanted some kind of return, he is surprised. “Yes, you once said something like that, but in a whisper. She hinted, but I didn’t understand. I cried, but I thought it was just PMS.” Women cry and then withdraw. And when, many years later, they remind you what a blow this is for a man! If he hears her at all, he will remember all this, and will not blame her for making up the plot.
How can we not be afraid to talk about how we feel? Insist on your own way from childhood, from youth?
How can we learn to talk to each other in such a way as to be heard? Maybe the text of marriage vows should include special cherished words, which will mean that the partner has reached the limit of patience and what will be said next is extremely important? For example, “I swear when I hear the word “I’m at zero” to take her remark as seriously as possible,” or “I promise when I hear the word “Hiroshima” I immediately stop the conversation, action, quarrel and remember her eyes under the veil”...
