How to regain trust after betrayal - Advice for husband and wife. How to return my husband to the family and try to start all over again. I cheated on my husband, how to get him back

06.07.202327.05.2017

Often, happy married couples break up due to the betrayal of one of the spouses. If a woman cheats, this fact greatly affects the man’s pride, and parting on a friendly note is hardly possible. However, it happens that after breaking up with her husband, a woman regrets her action and wants to return. How to get your ex back in this case?

Important!Remember that men like strong women. There is no point in arousing pity with tears and pleas. How to get your husband back after your wife cheats? First, give your ex time. No matter what you do, immediately after revealing your affair, he will never be able to forgive you, his self-esteem has collapsed, he is emotionally unstable.

Step 1: Cut all ties with your lover.

The first thing to do is cut the third person out of the relationship. It is part of the existing problem, which means it needs to be gotten rid of. Break up with him, avoid meeting him; if this is not possible (for example, he is your work colleague), set strict boundaries in communication.

Step 2: Continue to communicate with your ex-spouse.

Men find it difficult to adapt to a new life after a divorce - you need to remember this. While his emotions are raging, it would be useful to make rare calls to inform him that, for example, his son has a parent-teacher meeting that you cannot attend.

Important!You need to talk to your ex-husband on the phone in a friendly and welcoming manner, look stunning at meetings, and unobtrusively remind him of the pleasant moments of your life together. You should evoke only positive associations in a man.

Step 3: Apologize and talk.

When a little time has passed, the man’s emotions will subside, you will feel that the time has come, you need to make an appointment, apologize and talk. Much will depend on your husband: is he ready to forgive and give you another chance. However, for your part, you can and should influence a man’s decision. An apology is a turning point. You have to go through it correctly.

How to apologize for cheating

First, prepare yourself. You need to clarify for yourself what the true reason for your betrayal is. And having found this out, fix the problem. Otherwise, the apology will not mean anything, and the betrayal may happen again and again. If you are determined to return your ex-husband's love, prepare your apology in advance. Realize what you are apologizing for, why you regret what happened - sort your thoughts into shelves, and write down the words on paper. This way you will behave more confidently at moment X, and therefore more convincing.

How to properly apologize to a guy for cheating:

Don't do this in public. A public apology will not only not impress a man, but will also attract unnecessary attention to the problem - washing dirty linen in public is not welcome. Also, apologize in person. Gifts and letters sent by courier will not have the desired effect. After all, after the apology, a dialogue must take place, and there will simply be no one to ask the questions that the man will definitely have.
Don't blame your partner for your own mistake. The true reason for the betrayal may lie in your ex-husband, but you will still have to bear responsibility for the deception. And blaming a man for anything if you want to regain his love and trust will be unnecessary.
Don't lie. Apologize sincerely, do not promise something that you are not going to implement. After the apology, a dialogue will follow, during which you should not shy away from answers either. The questions will be tough, but so will be. However, you have already put a lot of noodles in your partner’s ears. If a man wants to know the details: the name of his lover, his place of work - it’s better to say. The conversation will be unpleasant, but the man will understand that you are completely open to him. The main thing is to never compare two men, and formulate your thoughts in a friendly and careful manner. You shouldn’t say: “We saw each other every day, because we had a great time together,” rather say: “We saw each other quite often, and I’m infinitely ashamed of it.”
Don't put conditions. You don't know if your husband will agree to take you back. In any case, make it clear that you just want to be honest with him, respect his feelings and want to resolve the current conflict. No direct conditions. Say that you don’t expect anything from your husband, but you will always be glad to see him back because you love him with all your heart.
Respect yourself and your partner. If after your words a person does not want to listen to you, respect that. Give him time, you can try to communicate with him later when the emotions have subsided. You shouldn’t let yourself be offended either: don’t tolerate insults, especially violence. Obviously, your partner will speak out of emotion, but there should be moderation in everything. Always be prepared to end the conversation and say goodbye.

How to behave to regain trust after betrayal

Even after reuniting with her husband, family life will not immediately return to its previous course. After such a cruel deception, a man is unlikely to be able to trust you as before. The question arises: how to regain the trust of your husband?

Never lie. Once you seriously hurt your husband with your deception, now he will be more attentive to what you say and do. Never lie to him again - neither globally nor in detail. Back up your words with actions. Only this approach to relationships can save them and restore their trust in you.
Answer questions. Now your partner doubts everything you say. He will clarify what you said was true and what was a lie. Answer everything patiently, even the most unpleasant questions. The husband deserves answers to them.
Eliminate omissions. If a man asks you for passwords from social networks, looks at your browser history and diary entries, don’t mind. However, you won’t mind if from now on you have nothing to hide. These checks will not last long - over time, your husband’s desire to control you will disappear as unnecessary.
Make your man feel like you're the first. It is not surprising that after the betrayal, your partner doubted himself, because you preferred another man to him. You need to show in every possible way that you love your husband with all your heart, make him feel like the only and best. Over time, he will accept the fact that your betrayal is just a mistake, and you only have real, sincere feelings for him.
Don't remind me of the betrayal. The partner must be sure that such incidents will not happen again. The main mistake that can ruin everything is any reminders of betrayal. It is impossible to forget this fact. But it is possible and necessary to put the memory away. And reminders of betrayal will raise new doubts every time.
Be open. Open up to your man. Communication means trust. Show him your emotions, experiences, fears - absolutely everything. If you become an open book for a man, he will see through you not only externally, but also internally, then it will become easier for him to trust you again.
Be patient. Patience is now your companion for a long time. It is unknown when your man’s trust will return. You must wait patiently. Imagine the torment your husband is experiencing in his soul. He deserves time to be able to trust you again. Don't put pressure on him, otherwise this process may drag on even longer.

Forgiveness is not the key to further family happiness. Remember: it is very important how you behave in the first time after reconciliation. If difficulties still arise in the matter of trust, do not hesitate to contact a specialist, preferably together with your husband. An experienced psychologist will give you a critical assessment from the outside and help with constructive advice.

Before dismantling the flight and giving advice on what to do if you cheated on your husband, you should repeat a few simple truths that women forget in a fit of soul-searching and remorse. There are no saints on earth, and there is also such a thing as karma. So, maybe you don’t need to do anything if you cheated on your husband?

Facts from a psychologist

When examining this controversial issue, you should take into account the advice of a psychologist. A study by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky showed that 81% of men and 77% of women would not mind cheating on their spouses if they never found out about it.

In contrast, a survey by the Levada Center showed that 71% of women and 55% of men consider an affair to be an abnormal and unacceptable phenomenon.

Comparing these figures, we can conclude that the young lady will not allow cheating in front of her husband, but she would like to try if the man never finds out about it. Statistics from the Demoscope center show that every fifth Russian woman knows firsthand about infidelity.

Reasons for betrayal

The most common and obvious reason for cheating in front of your husband is suddenly overwhelming feelings that you are unable to cope with. It is a common belief that if a wife cheated on her husband, it was only because she met her great love. But a casual relationship can hardly be called great love, right? And some women may have ten such great loves in their lives.

Men are considered simple antediluvian animals who are guided only by the call of the flesh. And this is also a misconception. Treason can be driven by completely different emotions and experiences.

Love for sex

No matter how widespread the stereotype may be, women love sex just as much as men. Especially from a medical point of view, girls with high levels of testosterone and libido are unlikely to be able to remain faithful to one partner for a long time.

Those wives whose appetite categorically does not coincide with the capabilities of the man are also in a difficult situation. What can be done in this case? To tame desires quietly on the side, and such wives know the words: “He is a wonderful father and a caring husband, we live in abundance, I, generally speaking, love him.” But for carnal pleasures you still have to go outside. At the same time, a strong marriage remains an argument for its preservation.

Low self-esteem

Another reason for casual relationships, in addition, with such a motive, infidelity more often occurs in front of the husband. Psychologist Oksana Fadeeva has proven that self-affirmation really works in this case, but its effect is short-lived.

Those who do not need to cheat on men to raise their own self-esteem feel much better about themselves - they always feel at their best and the best without it. But this requires a large amount of work on oneself, mainly on one’s perception and assessment of reality.

It should be understood that such a background of connections on the side, although partly justified, does not bring anything good to the wife. Unless they give a lesson to inattentive husbands.

Revenge

Another reason why many women cheated in front of their husbands. In response to his aggressive behavior, possibly beatings, evil language and complete denigration of his young life, young ladies often choose close friends and mutual acquaintances as lovers.

According to psychologists, ladies cheat on such husbands more often than they divorce them, not only because the men support the family and the young ladies have nowhere to go, but also because they put themselves in a superior position, subconsciously enjoying it.

Unhappiness in marriage

Whether the unfortunate wives cheated on their husbands behind their backs, or did it in front of their husbands, there is one fact - they are completely justified in their own eyes. He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t like me, the romance and passion are gone, I want someone else, I don’t want a husband - the list goes on for a long time.

It is worth understanding what you want from a relationship. If you want eternal declarations of love and serenades under the windows, then the psychology of betrayal will not save you. For the sake of mutual respect and happiness of both spouses, it is worth saving by caring for each other and passion in bed, attentiveness to each other, but no one is obliged to be for each other an eternal Romeo and Juliet, a psychotherapist, mom, dad and other close people in one person. Especially after two shifts of work in a difficult team and with a nervous boss. Often the reasons for such betrayal are too far-fetched.

Adjusting our attitude towards betrayal

For those who would like to turn back time and don’t know how to behave, there is good news. Philosophically speaking, infidelity is neither good nor bad.

People themselves set the color of certain events depending on what agreements were made and their own views on this or that action.

For example, you and your husband agreed in advance that sexual freedom is not infringed in your marriage. Then treason is not given such importance, and the person who cheated is not at all tormented by his conscience.

If the husband warned his wife in advance that he wants to observe all the beauty of monogamy, the change cannot avoid certain remorse.

How to look at the world

Psychologists say that a person who cheats will not be able to look at the world the same way he looked before. Perhaps the spouse will not find out anything, but the spouse herself will certainly know that something is no longer right.

A lie will not be a sufficient reason to make a man happy, and this is what cheating ladies usually want - to return the old romance and care.

Try to evaluate your action, like other unpleasant things that you have done in life, but everyone has done them. You can’t change the past, you can’t return time, but you need to move on with your life. Your further attitude towards experience on the side should be based on what agreements you had with your husband initially, maybe he himself is not averse to going to the left, and there is strong evidence for this?

Tell or remain silent

Suppose a man does not know that the lady is unfaithful to him, and the culprit herself does not know how to behave. Before you think about turning yourself in red-handed, you need to think a lot of times.

To regain a state of complete balance, you need to do only what you really want. If you are tormented by a feeling of guilt and it seems that a sincere confession will ease these torments - tell me. I don’t want to talk about it - don’t talk about it, but draw conclusions and don’t do it if it bothers you so much.

Other psychologists are inclined to the opposite opinion. Getting your peace back is a secondary matter. But it will not be possible to maintain a relationship without remaining silent about such secrets. Otherwise, the husband may leave and not return, and even after forgiving the lady’s offense, remain lonely or find another out of pride.

A person who has been cheated on is no longer lucky, and when he is given a slap in the face in the form of “I cheated on you!” and in the context of “... that’s how insignificant you were,” he will completely want to fall through the ground. And the context is perceived only as such and nothing else.

The actions you take on yourself remain the same. Evaluate your actions honestly, forgive yourself for this fall and atone for your guilt. This means that it is necessary to reduce the emotional distance between the estranged spouses and prevent similar situations in the future. But don’t become his maid, as this will immediately show him all your cards.

Efforts will have to be made for the relationship to grow to a new, mature level, but for this it is necessary to eliminate the reason that led to outside entertainment.

Another piece of advice: don’t beat yourself up and reproach yourself. Man is weak by nature, imperfect and makes mistakes. Desires and fantasies exist, and views on sex can change with age, which is why the word “never” has such a shaky basis.

Many are also lost in what exactly is called cheating: an innocent kiss or full-fledged sex, or maybe just a dinner together? Psychology calls cheating absolutely any action that distances you from your partner and deprives your relationship of intimacy and closeness.

Everything else depends on what exactly you and your husband agreed on, and what limits of permissibility exist in your union.

Hello, dear readers! Today I would like to talk about how to regain the trust of a husband after his wife cheats. Family relationships are going through various crises, from which spouses can emerge victorious or lead to divorce. Let's look at the issue of trust and how not to lose it. After all, the family should always remain a strong backbone that protects and helps.

What is treason

To begin with, I would like to paint variations on the theme of betrayal. After all, everyone understands this differently for themselves. I have met different people who had almost completely polar opposite attitudes towards betrayal.

Does loyalty mean that a person should not even look in the direction of others? Don't know. I met a young man who believed that if his girlfriend just looked at another man, then she had already cheated. This means that she is able not only to look, but also to move on to more active actions.
The most common concept of infidelity is sexual intercourse with another person. And then the showdown begins. Did it happen once or has it been going on for a long time? Did this happen under the influence of alcohol or did the person consciously take this step.

One of my friends is very categorical about going to the left. I modeled the situation for him: you have a strong family, three children who love you madly, you are crazy about each other, this is a real and strong family. But a situation happens and a wife kisses a colleague at a corporate party under the influence of alcohol. What will you do? He didn’t even think, but immediately answered: I’ll leave her. I started asking, what about the children, what about the years of your happy life together. No, he was categorically determined to get a divorce in such a situation. So much for your attitude towards betrayal.

Everyone decides for themselves what they can survive and what they cannot. There is no universal answer to the question of what can be considered treason. You yourself, with experience, define this concept for yourself. And the main thing here is your conversation with your spouse.

Agreement between partners

In family relationships, it is very important to be able to negotiate and find compromises. When you know how to listen, are honest with each other and always try to resolve a conflict in a peaceful way, then you have every chance of building a harmonious and happy relationship. Otherwise, it will be difficult.

Is it possible to come to an agreement with your spouse about cheating? Can. Easily. You express your attitude, he shares his thoughts with you. And in the end you come to a common decision. Life is long. Especially when people find their love at about twenty years old. No one can guarantee that you will never want to kiss another person again in your life. Or feel an exciting touch. To avoid conflict, you must be prepared.

I’m not saying that it is necessary to give the go-ahead to going to the left. But you can react more calmly to your spouse’s communication with female colleagues when you have a certain agreement. It is impossible to predict everything in the world. But life becomes much easier if you have an understanding of what could theoretically happen.

The agreement may concern whether your partner wants to know about the betrayal or not. Is it worth telling that your colleague or boss likes you? Does your spouse want to see you flirt with other men? Everyone has a very different attitude towards such things.

One of my friends immediately told her husband: if you cheat, then tell me better, it will be easier for me. And one man said that he would rather just not know about If she comes home every time and everything is fine, then he doesn’t care what she does in her free time.

How easy it is to break trust

Family relationships have always been and will continue to be based on the trust and honesty of the spouses. There is no other way to build a happy relationship. Without trust in a partner, it is just communication and nothing more.
When a man constantly tries to catch him cheating, it means that he does not trust his wife. Either his wife gave a reason, or he had a negative experience, or he is simply wildly jealous. A loving man will not try to expose his beloved out of nowhere.

This is why it is very important to talk to your partner. About everything in the world. When you understand each other well, a connection arises between you that is not so easy to break. This is not achieved immediately. Many years of training and you will achieve complete understanding with your wife. Otherwise, relationships will not be built.

Don't give unnecessary reasons for jealousy. Men really don't like to share with others. Especially what they rightfully have. Therefore, a wife should be very careful in relation to other men. The wife's coquetry with the pizza delivery man can easily cause an attack of jealousy on the part of the husband. Although, it would seem, such a fleeting and insignificant thing.

But what to do if the husband caught his beloved wife cheating? How to behave correctly? Maybe we should deny everything? As one of my friends said, until you admit that you were mistaken, you are not mistaken. Confessing makes you guilty in any case. Or maybe we should just apologize? But what's the best way to ask for forgiveness?

Let the truth

If the situation has already happened and the husband knows about the betrayal, then there are not many options here. The first option is to deny everything. Stand your ground until victory and never admit it in your life. But it is important here that no one else is aware of this story. Because even the most devoted friend can accidentally blurt out something in passing. The option is not the most correct, in my opinion.

Another way is to admit. Maybe your spouse won't be able to forget it. But it is in your power to make him understand that you will never make such a mistake. Regaining lost trust is very difficult and painful. Subconsciously, the husband may expect such an act from his wife for the rest of his life. Everything very much depends on the situation and on specific people.
You can try to improve the relationship in any case. It's worth spending more time together. Talk more. Always be honest and frank. You should not become the initiator of conflicts. There is no need to humiliate yourself and be a whipping toy. Otherwise, some men like to turn their guilty wife into a slave. This should not be allowed under any circumstances.

You must experience this story together. After all, in a relationship there is never only one person who is wrong. Since the spouse committed such an act, it means that something went wrong in the family relationship. One never leaves a happy home, as they say.
Therefore, it is very important to understand the reason for betrayal. Why did this happen, why did the woman decide to do such an act, how can the situation be corrected and harmony restored to the relationship. All this is in the hands of the spouses themselves.

Smart people don't give up everything, but try to fix and fix it. This is the wisdom of family relationships.

Be ready

When a wife decides to cheat, she should be well aware of the consequences that will follow her action. I have met men who cultivated a desire for punishment. They were obsessed with taking revenge on their wife for cheating on them. And this happens.

Before you do anything, think about whether your spouse might want to teach you a lesson later. I have always been against revenge. This is an ignoble and dirty business. I don’t argue that sometimes letting go of a situation can be very difficult. But it is much more productive to draw conclusions, resolve the situation and move on, rather than focus on retribution.
Therefore, you need to be prepared for any turn of events. Especially if you don’t have agreements and other things.

Repent

If a husband loves his wife, then he will certainly listen to her. He and she will look for a way out of the situation. A strong relationship cannot fall apart because of this betrayal. One of my close friends committed a sin while her husband was on a business trip. She came to me and asked what to do. I advised you to tell everything honestly and just talk with your spouse about what to do next. She confessed, asked for forgiveness, told why she took such a step and what motivated her. Today they are one of the strongest couples I know. The husband treated the situation with understanding. They went to a psychotherapist for a long time, resolved issues, talked a lot and learned to trust each other. And in the end, love won.

Another friend of mine, every time her husband walks out the door, looks for an adventure. She doesn't say anything to her husband. When I asked how they build a family like this, she simply said: he doesn’t know and will never know, but I’m happy and always run to his house.

The situations are very different. People are all different. Everyone perceives the news of a loved one's betrayal differently. It’s difficult to say how everything will turn out in a particular family. But I am sure that when people love each other sincerely and honestly, then problems are not a problem for them. The main thing here is to really love your spouse, and not yourself in this relationship.

If you've had an affair, it can seriously damage your spouse's trust in you. However, an affair does not necessarily mean the end of a marriage. Perhaps, with effort, persistence and patience, you can ensure that your partner begins to trust you again. First, admit your actions and sincerely ask for forgiveness. After this, you will have to work hard on your openness, honesty and reliability. Contact a psychologist - he will help restore the marriage and help you understand the main reasons for betrayal.

Steps

Deal with immediate consequences

Immediately end the affair once and for all. As soon as your partner finds out about the affair (and preferably before), end the relationship with the third party. Make it clear to the other person that the relationship is over and, if possible, cut off all contact with them. Tell your partner that you have ended the affair or that you intend to do so immediately.

Ideally, you should decide to end the affair and tell your partner what happened before he finds out. If you wait until you are caught in a lie and called for a serious conversation, it will be more difficult for you to rebuild trust.

Take full responsibility for your actions. Don't try to lie, embellish reality, or justify your actions. Briefly and clearly explain what happened and acknowledge that you are responsible for the choices you made.
- For example, you can say: “I had an affair with my friend Sveta for six months. I lied to you and told you I stayed late at work meetings, but in reality I met with her every week after work.”
- Don't blame your partner or a third party for what happened. You may feel like you have a good reason to have an affair, but it's important to recognize that you are in control of your actions.
Sincerely ask your spouse for forgiveness . Once you admit to cheating, make a sincere and open apology for your actions. Don't pepper your words with excuses or explanations, and don't use the conditional (for example, “I'm sorry. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never do it again!”). Simply state that you regret your actions.
- For example, you could say, “I really regret what I did and I feel terrible for hurting you and damaging our relationship in this way. “I just want you to know that I love you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to try to repair our marriage.”
- Don't add clauses that justify your actions or place blame on your partner. For example, don't say things like, "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't do this if you tried to spend more time with me."
- Most likely, you will have to ask for forgiveness for what happened more than once. Even if it’s unpleasant, resist the urge to say: “Okay, that’s enough, I already apologized!”
Advice: A sincere apology should begin with the words: “I’m sorry that I...”, and not with the words: “I’m sorry that you...” or, “I’m sorry, but...”.

Listen your partner. The injured party will likely have a lot to say about what happened, and it may be difficult for you to hear it. However, it is important to let your partner speak. Listen calmly and patiently, without interrupting or trying to justify yourself.
- Let your spouse know you are listening by maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, and using verbal fillers such as “yes” or “uh-huh.”
- Try rephrasing what he said to show you are listening and make sure you understand correctly. For example: “It sounds like you’re mad at me for cheating, but you’re also mad at yourself for not realizing what happened right away.”
Acknowledge your partner's feelings about the affair and consider them valid. The person most likely feels anger, sadness, fear, disgust, embarrassment, or even guilt about what happened. Even if his reaction upsets you or seems exaggerated, acknowledge his feelings without trying to judge, deny or minimize them.
- For example, you could say, “I can see that you are really angry with me at the moment. I understand that."
- Don't say things like, “I know you're upset, but just try to calm down,” or, “Come on, we just kissed a couple times. Stop making a big deal out of it."
- Most likely, you will also have mixed feelings about what happened, and that's normal. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, devastation, guilt, or disappointment without judging yourself. However, you must realize that your partner is probably not in a position to help you deal with these emotions at the moment.
EXPERT ADVICE

Family psychotherapist

Family psychotherapist

« Be patient and show that you are truly sorry for what happened,- advises Alvina Louis, a licensed marriage and family therapist. - It will take time for a partner to recover from cheating, but it should happen eventually. At times he will appear angry and at times sad. Sometimes it will seem as if everything has returned to normal, but then he will again become angry. Please be patient. The partner behaves this way because he is in pain. It is in your power to help him recover - show love and patience».

Answer any questions openly and honestly. When your spouse finds out about your affair, they will likely have questions. These questions may seem painful or unnecessary, but answer them as fully and honestly as possible. Be prepared to answer the same question over and over again. Repeated questioning is a common and normal reaction to a major betrayal of trust such as infidelity.
- Your partner may ask you about the details of what happened: where, when, why and how often. He may also ask questions about how you feel about him (for example, “Do you love me?”, “Do you think he is more attractive than me?”) or interrogate you about whether you have had other affairs or whether you have cheated on him in other things.
- Answer his questions in detail, but don't feel the need to go into too much detail. For example, you can say, “Yes, we had sex a few times,” but you don't necessarily need to reveal more details unless asked.
Move on after an affair
1. Give your partner time to deal with what happened. It takes time to recover from cheating, and everyone experiences grief at their own pace. Don't force your spouse to move on or forgive you until he is ready. Be patient while he works through his feelings and begins to rebuild his trust in you.
  - It is important to recognize that some marriages never fully recover from an affair. Your partner may not be able to forgive you or trust you again.
  Did you know? It can take up to six months for a marriage to start feeling “normal” again, and two years or more for your spouse to fully regain trust in you.
  
  Ask how you can make amends. Discuss with your partner what you can do to improve your relationship. Although making amends won't fix what happened, it is a good way to demonstrate your good intentions and make it clear that you are serious about repairing your marriage.
  - For example, you could say, “I know that I am not always diligent in my responsibilities around the house. How about I take over the laundry and dishes from now on?”
  EXPERT ADVICE
  
  Family psychotherapist
  Alvina Louis is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in relationship counseling. She received her master's degree in psychotherapy from Western Seminary in 2007 and has been a certified marriage and family therapist for over 7 years.
  
  Family psychotherapist
  
  Cultivate love and understanding. Family therapist Alvina Louis advises: “Behave with restraint, give love and understanding in order to create the best conditions for your partner's recovery. Treat it like a physical wound, like an open cut that is still healing. Show remorse and love so that the wound heals faster. Things get more complicated if your partner has already been betrayed in a previous relationship, but the same principle applies here - show that you are sincerely sorry for what happened and that you will never hurt him again. All this will help restore trust between you.”
  
  Be crystal honest and accountable to your partner. In order for a person to trust you again, you need to demonstrate that you deserve it. Tell him what you are doing, when, where and with whom. Answer any questions that come up honestly, and try to preempt his concerns by volunteering information before you are asked.
  - Your partner may want to see your emails, call logs, and personal messages. Even if it seems like a violation of boundaries, give him access to these things to rebuild trust after the affair.
  - Tell your partner immediately about any contact with your former lover(s). For example, you can say: “I saw Katya today at the coffee shop. She said hello and I said hello back, but we didn’t communicate.”
2. Continue to behave consistently and reliably. If you say you are going to do (or not do) something, be sure to keep your word. If you cannot keep your promise or fulfill your obligations for any reason, immediately inform your partner and explain everything.
  - For example, if you say you will be home at a certain time every evening, be sure to arrive on time. If something is holding you back, contact your partner immediately and explain what is happening. For example: “I’m trying to get home, but the car has broken down. I’ll show you the bill from the auto repair shop as soon as I get back.”
3. Develop ground rules and set boundaries with your partner. Discuss what your spouse expects from you and how you can be relied upon in the future. Together, make a list of things you can do to help your partner feel more confident in the relationship, and check in with them from time to time to see if you're meeting their needs.
  - For example, you can agree to have a phone call every day at a certain time.
4. Do your best to address your partner's fears and concerns. Your partner may have difficulty with self-esteem after the affair. If he raises any fears or worries, try to provide sincere reassurance and take concrete steps to ease his fears. Don't minimize or deny his worries, even if they seem silly or exaggerated to you.
  - For example, your spouse may be worried that your affair is putting them at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. Even if you think this is unlikely, offer to get tested and review the results.
5. Allow yourself show vulnerability next to your partner. It will be easier for him to trust you if you lower your protective barrier and allow the person to see who you really are. Openly share your thoughts, fears, hopes, strengths and weaknesses with him. Being more trusting will help deepen your relationship and make it easier for you to meet each other's emotional needs.
  - Don't confuse vulnerability with weakness. In fact, it takes a lot of strength and courage to truly open up to another person!
  EXPERT ADVICE
  
  Family psychotherapist
  Moshe Ratson is the executive director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a psychotherapy and counseling clinic in New York City. Received a master's degree in psychotherapy in the field of family and marriage. She has been working as a psychotherapist for more than 10 years.
  
  Family psychotherapist
  
  After cheating, take time to process your own emotions. Family psychotherapist Moshe Ratson says: “Betrayal can have a significant impact on the person who changed it, but here, of course, everything depends on the person’s personality, the specifics and consequences of what happened. Some people experience strong feelings of guilt and sincerely regret what happened, while others are more relaxed about cheating. And some even find an excuse for themselves, expressing it something like this: “My husband betrayed me in another way,” or like this: “She did not satisfy my sexual needs.” So everything is individual here.”
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