How to understand that a teenager is manipulating you: important tips for parents. How to resist children's manipulations How to raise a child if he manipulates

A child is a manipulator by nature.. But not insidious, cunning and reasonable, but simply defenseless, unable to take care of himself and endlessly dependent on adults.

But Already a one-year-old is able to understand what behavior and what can be achieved from a tired and emotionally unstable mom and that it won’t work with a calm and demanding dad. He screams, sobs loudly, throws up, and gets offended. A "" quite deliberately plays on the nerves that will leave home: blackmails, threatens, pretends, deceives, trying to achieve certain goals: the child manipulates his parents! If:

• V(and their pedagogical methods do not coincide with their parents’);
• child or, conversely, is a “”, rarely sees dad and experiences ;
• for any reason parents in front of him(he, from him, studies poorly, etc.) and he guesses or knows about it;
• Mom and Dad “go too far in their teaching”: excessively often, a lot, threaten, do not give, and space - driven into frames.

- the child is simply forced to manipulate adults!

So, the reasons are all clear, but if a manipulative child grows up in your family, what should you do? We offer TOP psychological and pedagogical advice:

Meet the child's immediate needs

The most important: try to satisfy all the “urgent” needs of the baby(especially a teenager). Spend time with him, talk, be interested in his experiences, sorrows, dreams. Give gifts, take you on excursions, walk in the park, hug, do not “feed breakfast” and promises that are not fulfilled!

Don't give reasons for envy

Friendly family atmosphere

Maintain a friendly atmosphere in the family, try to stick to the same educational direction, do not belittle each other’s authority, do not blame or contrast “right” and “wrong” relatives;

Do not give in to obvious manipulations

Don't give in to obvious manipulations! Always let your child know that you have “seen through” his goal. You should not swear, call your child an intriguer and a sycophant, a hypocrite, etc. Calmly but firmly stop attempts to manipulate you. Explain that everything can be achieved in a direct and honest way, that “” do not pretend to be sick for the purpose of sleeping together or doing something new, and “princess” girls should not always demand that their parents fulfill all their desires;

Fairy tale therapy

"Fairy tale therapy"“correct” (instructive, specially selected) children’s books with examples of the behavior of the main characters, similar to your family manipulator and own parental fantasy will help get rid of the unpleasant qualities of the child’s character.

We end the next article with the same advice, which may have stuck in our teeth, but has not lost its effectiveness: try to be your offspring! Do not engage in emotional blackmail towards your spouse, parents, or others. Don’t intrigue at work, don’t manipulate other people’s opinions about you. Take care of karma! Then your child won’t even think about manipulating his parents!

There are several ways a teenager can emotionally influence adults, and parents often follow the lead of their growing child. However, it is not difficult to recognize these manipulations and stop them at the very beginning, without leading the situation to conflict.

Since the purpose of manipulation is to evoke certain feelings, it is on them that attention should be focused. Most often, in an attempt to defend their independence, adolescents seek to arouse fear, shame, anger, guilt or helplessness in their parents by directing a stream of negative emotions. How does this happen?

Fear

Natural fear for the life and safety of your child is the strongest feeling that in most cases a teenager uses to achieve his goals. Indeed, such statements by a child as “I will leave home,” “,” “I will throw myself under a car,” “I will steal and go to jail,” etc., logically, should have an effect on any adequate parent. And in most cases it works.

Shame

The desire to cause shame in parents is nothing more than a fairly common manipulation, expressed in the following claims: “In our class, everyone is allowed - only I’m not allowed”; “Look, the neighbors’ children hang out as much as they want, but I, like a little kid, have to be home at nine in the evening”; “Normal parents understand their children.” There are many options here, but they are all aimed at convincing adults that they bad parents, and force them to make concessions.

Anger

Typically, anger is a short-term feeling that quickly passes after the source of irritation is eliminated. The psyche is not able to withstand this powerful negative for long, and a person is ready to do anything to get rid of it. Teenagers also use this manipulation tool very often: they begin to persistently and tediously pester their parents with their demands, and the adults eventually give up. It’s not for nothing that they say that a drop wears away a stone, and manipulators know this very well.

Guilt

Often teenagers get their way by forcing their parents to experience. There can be many reasons for this: insufficient material security; workload, due to which little time is devoted to the child; parental divorce; non-prestigious school and much more. But all these accusations contain the same message: if you are guilty, correct yourself. And parents, feeling guilty towards their child, try to “correct”: they take out expensive gadgets on credit; they allow the teenager to visit nightclubs and spend the night with friends, etc. In a word, they make any concessions so as not to feel guilty.

The result of all these artificially caused feelings is the helplessness of parents in front of the teenager. This is exactly what the manipulator seeks: to induce in parents a state of powerlessness and the realization that they can no longer influence their child.

How to resist teenage manipulation

First of all, you need to understand the mechanism of manipulation and distinguish it from a regular emotional outburst. It’s one thing when a child says offensive words to his parents in his heart, but after a while, having cooled down, he apologizes for his rudeness. It’s completely different when a teenager is deliberately rude in pursuit of a specific goal.

It is necessary to control your emotions and not follow the manipulator’s lead. Calmly explain to your child that ideal people does not happen, but this is not a reason for rudeness and irresponsible behavior. The teenager, seeing your calmness and equanimity in response to his rudeness and accusations, will understand that it is useless to manipulate you.

If you do not want your child to manipulate you, do not use similar methods in family communication. Remember that children copy the style and behavior of their parents.

Teach your child for your words and your behavior by personal example. If you yourself do not violate your obligations and agreements, then you have the right to demand the same from the teenager. When accepting family rules, agree that they cannot be ignored, but can be discussed and adjusted if necessary. When pushing the boundaries of a teenager’s personal freedom, do not forget to remind him of responsibility. The behavior of adults should not create problems for loved ones.

Understanding the causes teenage manipulation and the mechanism of their influence, you will be able to exclude them from your communication with your child and maintain the warmth, trust and mutual respect that existed between you before.

Svetlana Zharkova

Children's manipulations and the reasons for their occurrence. The article will discuss how to block such a phenomenon without causing harm to the child’s psychological state.

Contents of the article:

Childhood manipulation is a factor that is quite common among the younger generation. Little rebels and provocateurs often try to play on the feelings of their parents, which subsequently brings a lot of problems to both sides. It is necessary to find out for yourself the reason for this phenomenon, and also to understand the possibility of correcting this factor.

Reasons for the development of children's manipulation

It is always necessary to look for a reason in everything before starting to fight the unknown. Experts recommend paying attention to the following reasons that make children’s behavior towards their parents inappropriate:

• Insufficient attention. Any person likes guardianship and care from loved ones, unless it concerns born phlegmatic people with a tendency to solitude. If the child does not see interest in his personality, then he begins to manipulate adults. IN best case scenario he simply exaggerates his problems in a conversation with his parents, but everything can end in a more disastrous result in the form of a threat of suicide and its further commission.
• The existing stereotype. It all starts with banal things, when mom asks to eat a spoonful of porridge for dad. Consequently, a unique model of the baby’s behavior is formed, in which he does what his parents want exclusively through a certain factor - a stimulant. Without this, the future manipulator will simply refuse to take the next actions that his dad and mom are pushing him to.
• Child with neuroses. Not all children always obey their parents and smile radiantly at the same time. This is more likely to be an exception to the rule than to confirm it. A feeling of abandonment and anxiety about any reason can develop in a child such a phenomenon as child manipulation. In this case, the little victim of circumstances is ready to do anything to attract the attention of people close to him. The unformed psyche of a child with neurosis is capable of creating miracles with his behavior, but at the same time, everything that happens carries an exclusively negative potential.
• Pressure from adults. Mozart, who began his musical career at a very young age, can encourage parents to have the same guidelines for their child. If their beloved child in some way cannot cope with the burden placed on him, then they react violently to this in a very negative way. The child begins to be so afraid of punishment for failing to be perfect that he simply begins to manipulate his parents with invented diseases and illnesses.
• Imitation of adults. Very often, children adopt the behavior model of their parents, which is far from ideal. Sometimes adults set conditions for their child in the form of agreeing to buy him some thing or allowing something in exchange for obedience. This is reminiscent of blackmail, which an unformed little personality takes literally, seeing this in the relationship between dad and mom. Consequently, the child clearly learns the lesson taught by his parents and then begins to manipulate them.
• Support for grandparents. It is no secret that the little provocateur begins to play with the feelings of his parents, relying on the approval of the older generation of the family. At the same time, compassionate grandparents blame their children for, in their opinion, cruel treatment of their adored grandchildren. The child, observing the current situation, begins to understand how to get the maximum benefit from what is happening.

The voiced reasons for manipulating the little tyrant make adults think about the legality of their actions in relation to raising a child. However, you should not follow the lead of children’s aggression, because a charming baby may later grow into a callous person with claims to the whole world.

Basic forms of child manipulation

In some cases, it is important to understand for yourself when a child is engaged in outright blackmail, and when his actions are of a completely different nature. Psychologists see children’s manipulation by parents as follows:

1. Request from another family member. In this case, in case of refusal, the child turns to the adult who will fulfill any of his wishes. The scheme is developed clearly and never fails, because there is a game of good and bad cop.
2. Emotional induction. Children can easily figure out many of our actions, which are often cyclical. They can begin manipulation when a parent, after an outburst of anger (often very justified), gives the offended child candy. Time after time, the little cunning man takes advantage of this situation, knowing about revenge after punishment in the form of the pleasures of life received.
3. Snitching. We are all not without sin, which a manipulative child plays on quite effectively. Having found a weak point in the parents, he presents valuable information to those who will not like such behavior of a family member. After a scandal arises, the children get what they want for the information they provide, which very soon becomes a habit.
4. Blackmail. After snitching, the child may resort to the voiced method of manipulation. The most desirable phrase for him will be a request to mom and dad (the list is endless) not to talk about the action performed. Children quickly adapt in this case, benefiting from the spinelessness of adults.
5. Manipulation life situation . Very often this concerns foster parents or a new family member. The little usurper is firm in his position that his own father or mother would not do such a thing to him. We can say that this technique is fail-safe if adults are afraid of losing the trust of their beloved child.
6. Intimidation method. Some children try to achieve what they want in the most incredible ways. They manipulate their parents, giving them ultimatums for any reason. When refused, a child with this pattern of behavior becomes hysterical and aggressive. To some extent, this resembles a kind of revenge on the part of manipulative children, to which parents sometimes do not know how to react.
7. Extortion method. Nobody likes to look awkward in front of a lot of people, which is a natural human reaction to an uncomfortable situation. The little manipulator realizes this quite quickly, throwing tantrums at public places in order to get what you want. Some parents find it easier to buy their child a favorite toy or sweet than to go through an unpleasant public scene.

Pay attention! In all these cases, the young provocateur is not an inveterate manipulator. Claims should be made more likely to adults who are looking for easy ways to raise their offspring. Not wanting a conflict situation to arise, they follow the whims of their children, jeopardizing their future.

Methods to combat child manipulation

Manipulative children are, first of all, a problem of parents who allow such actions on the part of little aggressors. However, all patience comes to an end, so experts have developed recommendations on how to resist children's manipulations.

Parents are parents, so it is often difficult for them not to give in to their beloved child. When they begin to understand that everything has gone too far and the child has become uncontrollable, the following actions should be taken:

• Ignoring provocations. IN in this case This is not about complete indifference to your little blackmailer, but about a common sense approach to the problem that has arisen. It is necessary to react to hysterics calmly, without falling into retaliatory aggression. A calm parent is an emotionally healthy child, which has been proven not only by psychology, but also life experience many people.
• Personal example. It is difficult to cultivate certain qualities in a child if they are violated by the adults themselves. It is necessary to clearly show children what is good and what is bad. Without this, all attempts to get rid of manipulations on the part of the little usurper will end in complete failure.
• Refusal to compare. You cannot expect adequate actions from a child if he is constantly compared to someone else in a negative way. Maybe the neighbor's boy or girl behaves perfectly in public, but it is not a fact that their parents completely have no problems with them in the family circle. Such systematic humiliation can cause childish manipulation as a factor of self-defense and the search for the love of loved ones.
• Stopping tantrums. In this case, the child will be capricious for a maximum of five minutes, because his unformed personality will not withstand the wise arguments of adults. The child wants to go for a walk, but it’s raining outside, which doesn’t seem like a good reason for him to refuse fun leisure time. Adults must be strict in this case, because once they give in to a stupid whim, they will regret it for the rest of their lives.
• . A little scoundrel can skillfully manipulate his grandparents, talking about his exclusivity and oppression from his parents. Many older people actively react to these heartbreaking stories, while feeling sorry for the provocateur grandson. Consequently, the whole family needs to sit down at a kind of negotiating table in order to solve the problem that has arisen with double standards in raising a child.
• Refusal of lies. Very often we ask ourselves what children’s manipulations are and how to deal with them. At the same time, crafts are made for the child and homework, which is argued by a courageous act and manifestation of parental care. The result is always deplorable, because the young tomboy turns into a cold-blooded manipulator of his parents in the future.

People who are involved in raising and training the younger generation should be most careful in their actions. Therefore, they must adhere to these golden rules in case of child manipulation:

1. Excerpt. A teacher is a calling, not a profession. Therefore, it is necessary to wisely assess the conflict that has arisen. A careless student may flatly refuse to complete a task or assignment assigned to him. At the same time, it is necessary to control yourself so that an outburst of aggression does not aggravate the situation. A child's manipulation can pass quickly if the teacher shows composure and restraint.
2. Analysis of the mentee's requirements. The child does not always want unreasonable things, so you should understand the causes of the problem. There is a real possibility that the manipulation of children is an elementary hidden protest against the oppression of their rights. The problem needs to be solved at the root so that childish whim did not develop into outright aggression towards everyone around him.
3. Promotion. The little troublemaker may be surprised by the teacher’s unusual behavior. While prohibiting one thing, a wise person who has been entrusted with raising children can allow another. At the same time, the young manipulator switches his attention to another object, thereby automatically stopping the beginning conflict.

Rules for preventing the occurrence of child manipulation

Any misfortune can be prevented if desired, when it comes to raising children. At the same time, psychologists advise parents to resort to the following measures to prevent manipulation by their sons and daughters:

• Justification for the ban. No child would want to be rowdy if he knows in advance that his actions are illogical. Adults should clearly indicate the limitations of certain actions, while explaining everything to children calmly and clearly.
• Balance of prohibitions and permissions. The younger generation clearly understands when their rights are violated. You cannot allow your offspring literally everything, but even without well-deserved encouragement there is a risk of the child being manipulated by the parents.
• Defining Responsibilities. A small family member must clearly know what he must do. By their example, parents will show that what is being asked is the norm for everyone who lives in the house.
• . The unwilling woman will have no time to make insidious plans about his parents if they spend their time with him free time. Very often, manipulation is the silent cry of a child who seeks the attention of people close to him.
• Consistency in requirements. If adults purposefully say that this cannot be done, then the child may lose interest in getting what he wants. This method works if you make a clear system out of it.

How to deal with children's manipulations - watch the video:

Child manipulation is an alarm for both parents and teachers who are faced with this problem due to their professional activities. Turning a blind eye to what is happening is very dangerous, because children grow up, and then it will be too late to correct anything. A funny kid may become an experienced manipulator in the future, which will negatively affect his future fate.

Each family is structured differently: it has certain rules of the game and children must accept them. But it happens that children try to install their own. Parents, without noticing it themselves, follow their lead. This is how manipulation appears. What to do if a teenager manipulates his parents: advice from a psychologist will help answer this question.

Trying to subtly control someone else's feelings and behavior is manipulation. This is a “workaround” with the help of which a teenager tries to get what he wants when he doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how to directly voice his desires.

If adults succumb to such manifestations of character, then meanness, hypocrisy and cunning are brought up in the child over time. Most often, those who lack attention and care resort to this method of influencing parents. Teenagers manipulate their parents for several reasons:

• trying to attract attention and get your share of care;
• to hide their misdeeds;
• trying to achieve what you want.

How teenagers manipulate their parents:

• with the help of tears and whining;
• speculation – “If you love me...”;
• blackmail - “I’ll tell my mom everything...”;
• threats - “I will leave home...”;
• comparison with other children - “Everyone can do it, but I can’t”, “No one does homework for tomorrow”;
• pitting mom against dad or vice versa;
• deception;
• indicative depression.

Let the situation take its course

The child must understand the need to find a compromise, the ability to negotiate, and not beg.

Tormented by guilt

If you don't fall for tricks, this is not cruelty - it is a necessary part of the educational process.

Screaming, swearing, using physical force

These actions are a manifestation of parental weakness, which is unacceptable in raising a manipulator. You need to address your son or daughter with respect, in an explanatory, and not indicative tone. Authoritarian notes in the voice cause internal protest and a desire to do something out of spite.

Read notations and moral teachings

It is necessary to clearly formulate your position and strictly stand by your position, instead of launching into long, tedious lectures.

Demand from the child what the parents themselves do not do

Personal example - best way education. If dad smokes, it will be difficult to explain to a teenager that it is bad. A mother who does not constantly maintain order in the house will not teach her daughter to clean up after herself.

To impose your opinion and limit everything

A prerequisite is the provision of the right to choose in certain matters. Moreover, the older the child, the wider the range of such questions should be.

Throwing around words and not following through

Children very quickly get used to it when nothing happens after the “last time” warning. And they stop reacting to it.

Educate everyone in their own way

In order for both parents to have authority over the teenager, it is necessary to have a single method of education. If mom cancels dad's punishments or vice versa, the child will not obey anyone.

Allowing adults' feelings and needs to be ignored

It would be nice to become not just a parent for a child, but a real friend: communicate as equals, ask for advice, ask his opinion. This is the key to a harmonious relationship between parents and children. An atmosphere of mutual support and understanding is created in the family.

If a teenager tries to manipulate, first of all, parents need to analyze their own behavior and pay attention to the relationship with the child in the family. After all, parents lead by example. Parents also teach how to manipulate.