A child's imaginary friend. A child's imaginary friend: when should you sound the alarm? Bad boys from the kitchen

Congratulations, your baby has made a good friend. One bad thing is that no one except the child himself hears or sees him. It exists only in a child's imagination.

How should moms and dads behave in such a situation? Let’s say right away that you definitely shouldn’t sound the alarm and panic, since in most cases, imaginary friends in childhood are an absolutely natural phenomenon that will soon go away on their own. Today we will tell you where fictional friends come from and what to do about it.

Often the emergence of imaginary friends takes adults by surprise. In our society, invisible friends are considered a clear cause for concern and almost a symptom of mental illness. This is because we look at the children's world from an adult point of view.

However, an imaginary friend in preschool childhood and in adulthood are completely different things.

Inventive friends, which usually appear in three- to four-year-old children, do not indicate mental abnormalities, but, on the contrary, normal psychological development.

It is from three to five years that children’s imagination rapidly develops, thanks to which they begin to play role-playing games and actively fantasize. And often an imaginary friend becomes a partner in such entertainment.

Imaginary friends: who are they?

We have already said that small children exist in their own wonderful world, in which Carlson lives on the roof, the Cheshire cat disappears into thin air, and an ordinary mitten can turn into a shaggy puppy.

An imaginary friend appears in children starting from the age of three, and can take a variety of forms: a soft toy or doll, a fearless superhero, a boy Petya or a girl Katya.

The invisible companion does not have to be a person - in almost half of the children he “looks” like a funny animal. The “appearance”, abilities and habits of imaginary friends depend only on the child’s imagination.

Don’t rush to see a psychologist if such a friend appears in your child’s life.

Firstly, there is nothing terrible in a child's living fantasy. And secondly, an imaginary friend can serve as wonderful diagnostic material. The peculiarities of communication with an invisible friend reflect both childhood problems and family troubles.

Reasons for the appearance of imaginary friends

The most important thing that experts warn about is that you should not forbid children to spend time with imaginary friends, otherwise they will begin to meet with them secretly.

It would be more correct to find out the reason for this phenomenon (in addition to wild imagination) and help the baby if there is any problem. What leads to the emergence of imaginary comrades?

1. Loneliness. The likelihood of having an imaginary friend increases dramatically if your child is an only child. In this case, experts talk about compensating for the lack of communication, especially if the child does not have friends his age.
2. Imitation. If you listen carefully to how your little one communicates with an invisible friend, you will recognize your words or phrases from the kindergarten teacher. The fact is that all children strive to imitate adults, they want to appear older and influence someone. There is no reason for alarm if the baby behaves calmly and does not show aggression.
3. Striving for primacy. If a child has an older brother, sister or bossy friends who like to command, he can invent a friend to take the initiative in games and always win them. That is, the child needs an imaginary character to feel like a winner.
4. Fears. Sometimes preschoolers seek and find support from their imaginary friends, since going through frightening moments together is not as scary as it is alone. The likelihood of such a friend increases if the child is embarrassed to talk about his fears or the parents brush him off, considering children's worries to be frivolous.
5. Fear of punishment. Adults should think about it if a child, breaking toys or making a mess, begins to claim that it is not he who is guilty, but the invisible boy Petya. It is quite possible that you scold or punish your child too often with or without reason.

How to communicate with children's imaginary friends?

Often, parents, having learned about the existence of an invisible friend in their child, do not know how to behave with him. Should I ignore it or, on the contrary, join the game and communicate as if it were real?

1. Don't tell your child that having imaginary friends is a sign of madness, otherwise he will believe that something is wrong with him. Although nothing wrong, much less terrible, happens to him. Also, do not ignore the emergence of a new Carlson, otherwise the baby may withdraw into himself.
2. Do not suppress children's imagination, but, on the contrary, ask whether the girl Katya will object if you move the chair that is preventing you from entering the room. Don't resist if your baby asks you to put a plate on your imaginary friend's plate or make his bed. Get involved in the game and exercise your imagination.
3. At the same time, do not initiate interaction with the child’s invisible friend. Don’t ask your child if his friend Petya will go to the store with you. Wait until the baby himself remembers him and invites you to join the game.
4. Children should not be allowed to shift responsibility for their misdeeds to imaginary friends. Preschoolers still need to be held accountable for misbehavior, and your job is to remind them of the consequences. Does the kid blame the arriving Carlson for the scattered toys? Ask him to clean up the room with him.
5. If the reason for this phenomenon is loneliness, try to spend more time with your child. To prevent your fictitious friend from replacing your real friends and parents, have fun together: put on superhero costumes, play puppet theater, read adventure books aloud and role-play.
6. Illusory companions will come to your aid if you want to find out how your child really feels. If an invisible friend is afraid of the dark, it is probably the child who is experiencing this fear. However, most often kids come up with such friends to have fun.

Thus, the emergence of imaginary friends in children under six years of age can be considered a completely normal phenomenon.

But sometimes an imaginary friend appears in older children. In this case, the burst of imagination works as a defense mechanism.

Any traumatic event can be a kind of trigger that contributes to the appearance of an invisible friend: moving to a new place of residence, the death of a pet or loved one, divorce of parents.

You may need the help of a specialist, but his advice will be clear - pay more attention to the child or enroll him in an art studio.

The presence of imaginary friends in a baby is a sign of normal development. They often help children cope with upsetting changes and help them develop social skills. Therefore, treat them as a natural stage in your child’s growing up.

Your child has made a friend. The only problem is that no one except the baby himself can see him. "Wait!" - a child shouts while walking. - “Katya can’t keep up with us!” The parents look at each other, because they didn’t take Katya with them to the park... What to do if the baby has imaginary friends?

Often the appearance of an imaginary friend takes parents by surprise. We consider invisible friends to be a deviation from the norm, a cause for concern. This is because we, adults, are accustomed to assessing the world from our own, logical and serious, bell tower. But it is important to understand that an imaginary friend for an adult and for a child are “two big differences.” An invisible friend, which usually appears in a child at the age of about three years, does not indicate a mental disorder, but, on the contrary, that mental development is proceeding normally. After all, just at the age of two and a half to three years, the baby’s imagination begins to appear. During this period, for the active development of the skill of fantasy and abstract thinking, he simply needs role-playing games. And the baby often starts playing them with an imaginary friend.

An invisible friend is not as rare as many people think. Several years ago in England, researcher Karen Majors defended her doctoral dissertation based on a study of imaginary friends. Her work showed that out of 1,800 English children, 46% have imaginary friends, while American research suggests that by the age of seven, 65% of children will have experience communicating with an illusory friend. Imaginary friends can be completely invisible - then the child doesn’t even talk about them, but they appear in the drawings and their existence is recognized when asked “head-on” like “who is that sitting next to you on the sofa in your drawing?” There are also silent imaginary friends - everyone knows that he exists, but the friend himself does not show himself in any way, if the child speaks about him, it is in the third person. And sometimes an invisible friend becomes a full-fledged participant in the life of the family - he participates in discussions, has his own opinion and character (of course, thanks to the child who takes on the role of a friend). By the way, as British psychologists have found, children who act out dialogues with their imaginary friends thus develop the part of the brain that is responsible for solving complex problems, puzzles and planning actions.

Invented friends can only exist in the child’s head, but they can also have a very specific material shell. For example, a child’s favorite soft toy or plant can “speak”: “The flower says that he missed me while I was in kindergarten, so I need to water it.” Sometimes children also animate books or interior items.

Previously, it was generally accepted that imaginary friends were made by children who lacked communication, and that they almost always appeared in children who were alone in the family. Modern psychological research disproves this theory: those children who have brothers and sisters invent invisible friends for themselves with no less enthusiasm. And the breadth of your social circle has absolutely no effect on the likelihood of one fine day finding your daughter in the company of the illusory “lamb Venya.” Children who are prone to developing a rich imagination find imaginary friends regardless of external circumstances.

Sometimes parents worry whether a child who has invented a friend for himself will begin to confuse fantasies with reality. Researchers at the University of Oregon conducted a large-scale study to find out how invisible friends influence children's real lives and determined that although children have very real feelings towards their imaginary friends, they often enjoy playing with them more than with other children. in the real world, these emotions do not blur the line with reality. The feelings that children experience towards their “special” friends are very similar to those that we adults experience when we read a good book or watch an interesting movie. We can empathize with the characters, worry whether they will find a way out of a difficult situation, but at the same time we understand perfectly well that this is just a movie, and the reality is that it’s time to go to bed because we have to get up early for work tomorrow.

How should parents deal with imaginary friends? Should I ignore them or, on the contrary, accept and treat him the same as other family members? Perhaps the best solution is to let the child decide how much you can interact with his friend; this, after all, is his fantasy. Gently ask if “Venya the lamb” won’t mind if you move the chair he’s sitting on, otherwise he’s in the way of getting into the kitchen. Ask when your baby's new friend plans to go to bed - at the same time as him or earlier? Don’t resist if your child asks to put a real dinner on the table for an imaginary friend or to cover his crib. It’s better to let them eat from the same plate (after all, this is a special, very close friend!) or pretend that you are putting food, thus playing along with the child. Let this be a chance for you to exercise your imagination.

Do not forbid your child to be friends with an invisible friend and, especially, do not say that having imaginary friends is nonsense and the lot of crazy people. Because in this case, your baby may really begin to consider himself “not of this world,” although in fact nothing wrong is happening to him. Also, you should not ignore the appearance of imaginary friends - this will either lead to the child closing himself off, ceasing to inform you about the presence of a friend, or, on the contrary, starting to play with a new friend demonstratively, so that you can no longer help but pay attention. And it is you who will have to explain why “a certain Vasya,” whom no one sees, spilled juice all over the store.

However, sometimes children deliberately begin to use imaginary friends, blaming them for all their misdeeds. “It wasn’t me who broke the vase, it’s Vanka, he’s running around here like crazy!” or “I did all my homework, but Petya came and threw my notebook out the window!” Perhaps in this way the baby is trying to protect himself from your righteous anger, which you do not always express properly. Don’t lose your temper and don’t shout that Petya doesn’t exist and that you yourself are a fool. It’s better to calmly say that, even though Petya really acted in a completely unfriendly manner, you have to go to school tomorrow, son, so you still need to do your homework, and let Petya come next time after you’ve done your homework. Since the child, as we have already found out, distinguishes reality from fantasy well, he will quickly understand that no matter how his imaginary friend behaves, he will have to answer, and will stop testing you in this way.

Your child's dialogues with an imaginary friend can give you food for thought about your relationship and your child's experiences. It can be difficult for parents to take the position of an outside observer, but if you try to abstract yourself from the situation, you can often notice that there are certain patterns in the appearance of imaginary friends and their behavior. For example, a friend can “come to visit” when mom starts a quarrel with dad. However, it is not at all necessary for a child to invent friends for “self-defense”; often illusory friends appear in a child’s life for one sole purpose - to entertain and amuse him.

The appearance of imaginary friends in children aged three to six years is considered completely normal. But sometimes older children have imaginary friends. In this case, illusory relationships work as a defense mechanism, helping the child’s psyche to come to its senses and recover from some kind of stress. A variety of events in a child’s life can “activate” an invisible friend - a mother who had previously devoted herself entirely to him goes back to work, parents’ divorce, moving to a new place, the appearance of a brother or sister, the death of a loved one or a beloved pet.

If an invisible friend appears in a child much older than six or seven years old, and no obvious traumatic events or serious changes have occurred in life, this may be a signal that you should contact a child psychologist. Remember that modern medicine does not consider imaginary friends a sign of any mental pathology; there are only a few cases recorded in the world where the appearance of imaginary images in the lives of children after six or seven years was indirect evidence of developing schizophrenia. Therefore, most likely, after observing the child, the psychologist will “prescribe” you to pay more attention to him and engage him in activities that will help him express his imagination and creativity, for example, take him to a drama club or art school.

As a rule, imaginary friends that appear in children under six years of age disappear on their own by the time they go to school. Therefore, when you hear that the fictional girl Masha has joined your family dinner, do not be alarmed - play along with your child, perhaps this new friend will help you establish an even closer and warmer relationship with your baby.

You can discuss your baby's imaginary friends

For many three-year-olds, imaginary friends are an integral part of growing up. However, parents often worry that retreating into a fantasy world can lead to a separation from reality and even problems in psychological development. Should you worry if an imaginary friend appears in your child's life?

Imaginary friends: who are they?

By the age of three, a child develops an ideal image of a friend for games and communication. If he doesn’t find such a friend in reality, he easily invents one. This is how a fictional friend appears, who can look like a person (remember Carlson), a superhero, a fairy tale character, a cartoon. The “appearance”, habits and characteristics of an imaginary friend will depend only on the child’s imagination.

An imaginary friend can be a child's constant companion or just a visiting partner for joint games. It can only exist in a certain place: at a grandmother’s dacha or in a children’s room. Nobody knows when he will appear or disappear.

Reasons for the appearance of an imaginary friend

Think for a moment, what is it like to be a small child? You are constantly told what to do and when to do it, older siblings (if you have them) take away toys and compete for adult attention. In a situation like this, who wouldn't want a friend who never borrows your car, does what you say, and is always there to help? An imaginary friend can protect you when your baby is scared and becomes "scapegoat", when you need to blame someone, and will become an outlet when he wants to laugh or cry.

There are several reasons why a child makes up friends and prefers to play with them.

• Loneliness

If your baby is the only child in the family, then the likelihood of an imaginary character appearing increases sharply. A child may become more dependent on his imaginary friends if he has difficulty finding friends his own age.

• The desire to be first

If the only friend is older and also likes to boss, then the child will quite possibly make up a friend to find solace. Children who are pushed around often create imaginary friends who are easy to talk to and who will always allow them to win or take the lead in any game. An imaginary friend is part of a fictional world where the child is the winner.

• Voltage

A child can also experience stress for various reasons - he has problems in kindergarten or school, it is difficult for him to make friends, it is difficult for him to live in the shadow of his older brother, whom others consider better than him. We often misinterpret these difficulties and brush them aside because we are too busy to notice the child’s needs. In all such situations, the child comes up with an imaginary friend and tells him about all the problems.

How to communicate with imaginary friends

Here are some tips for communicating and interacting with your child's imaginary playmates.

Note to moms!

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• Embrace your child's imagination

You should not constantly point out to your child that his friends are not real. Be kind and welcoming and respond to children's requests. After all, there is nothing difficult about pouring an extra mug of tea or opening the door for an invisible friend.

• Don't suppress his imagination

Imagination is very important for a child. Don't laugh at non-existent friends. The wrong reaction of parents can cause the child to go even deeper into a fantasy world. Or he will simply stop fantasizing.

• Don't initiate communication

• Don't let your child pass the buck

Do not allow your child to blame an imaginary friend for what he himself does wrong. Children must still take responsibility for their actions, and it is the parents' job to remind them of the consequences. If your child blames a fictional character for the mess in the nursery, ask him to clean the room with him. If the baby refuses, then the game is over, and let him clean up the scattered toys himself.

• Do not use a friend for “selfish” purposes

It’s not very good to tell a child: “Dima wants you to eat semolina porridge.” The baby may understand that you are manipulating him.

• Encourage imagination

Spend more time with your child. Let your little one pretend, play with dolls, wear superhero costumes, and read adventure books. And do it with him. The child invents a friend also because he does not receive enough attention from his parents. Don't let an imaginary friend replace real friends and your attention.

• Get to know your child better

Imaginary friends can give you insight into how your child is really feeling. If his friend Dima is afraid of the dark, then perhaps it is your baby who experiences this fear. Follow your friend and learn from him.

Having an imaginary friend is completely normal. It often helps children cope with life changes or acquire social skills. Treat it as another stage in your child's growing up.

Reading

Psychology is entering our lives more and more deeply. And now many people know that a psychologist deals with human problems, but many, as before, do not know which ones.

As a rule, many people confuse the specialty of a psychiatrist with the specialty “psychologist,” especially since in the American tradition these terms are almost synonymous.

Let's figure it out.

A psychiatrist is a doctor who deals with complex cases of inappropriate behavior in patients.

A psychologist, on the other hand, is most often a specialist whose work is something between the work of a sociologist and a doctor. The psychologist does not use drugs in his practice; and the people who contact him are called clients.

For the sake of completeness, the psychotherapist’s specialization should be mentioned. There is no complete agreement about this term, but in practice it is the same psychologist, but with a medical education (a psychologist may not have one). This means that he can use medications in his practice.

So, what does a psychologist work with?

In general terms, this could be expressed as follows: with dissatisfaction with one’s life. These could be conflicts, job searches, ways of expressing yourself...

Depending on what direction the psychologist belongs to (Gestalt therapy, psychoanalysis, behaviorism...) and the depth of the client’s problem, different methods and different times are used to resolve them.

Most often, the time and place of the meeting are agreed upon in advance, unless the psychologist is sitting in the office, where he is impatiently waiting for the next client.

Due to the fact that consultations with a psychologist are still paid, and also because of the desire of Russians to solve their problems in another way (for example, by drowning them in a glass), the help of a psychologist is in demand, mainly by people with either a higher education or sufficient competent to contact a specialist.

Dealing with crisis situations: divorce, loss of purpose in life, ending a relationship, working with love addiction, working with acute feelings, loss of interest in relationships, working with situations of betrayal in a couple

I provide individual and family psychological counseling on the following issues:

• dissatisfaction with oneself and life,
• self-realization,
• conflicts in partnerships and family relationships,
• mutual misunderstanding,
• betrayal,
• jealousy,
• psychological assistance in situations of divorce,
• age, personality and family crises.

Problems of motherhood and paternity:

• work with infertility and miscarriage,
• readiness for parenthood,
• experience of pregnancy,
• fears and phobias during pregnancy,
• preparation for childbirth,
• threat of miscarriage,
• psychological readiness for childbirth,
• problems of the postpartum period:
  • organization of family relationships,
  • establishing a regime
  • breastfeeding, etc.

Problems of parent-child relationships:

• conflicts and misunderstandings between parents and children,
• Difficulties in relationships with children:
  • difficulties in education
• baby and nanny,
• interaction with children in the situation:
  • divorce,
  • death of close relatives,
  • at the birth of the youngest child, etc.

Childhood difficulties:

• school failure,
• adaptation to kindergarten and school,
• aggression,
• violation of attention,
• hyperactivity,
• disobedience,
• anxiety,
• competition between brothers/sisters,
• mood disorders,
• fears,
• self-doubt,
• low self-esteem,
• problems communicating with peers,
• psychological trauma,
• experiencing parental divorce,
• death of a loved one,
• stressful situation.

Family problems:

• misunderstanding in a couple
• jealousy, conflicts between spouses,
• conflicts between children
• situation of betrayal,
• preventing divorce,
• lovers and mistresses,
• breakup,
• divorce,
• experiencing the loss of a loved one,
• experience of death,
• experiencing family crises,
• building harmonious relationships with parent families,
• dissatisfaction in the couple,
• sexual problems in the family,
• establishing contact and understanding within the family.

Personal problems:

• lack of personal life, close relationships,
• disorder in life,
• problems in relationships with the opposite sex,
• personal growth,
• working through your parent-child relationship,
• resentment, aggression towards loved ones,
• misunderstandings, conflicts with parents/children,
• emotional end of a relationship
• motivation for personal development and success,
• determination of your goals and desires,
• excess weight problems,
• dissatisfaction with oneself,
• low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence,
• fears, phobias, panic, obsessive states,
• depressive states,
• anxiety states, neuroses,
• private mood swings,
• psychosomatic disorders,
• self-dislike
• self-rejection
• job change,
• problems in relationships in a team,
• search for personal happiness,
• development of self-sufficiency, responsibility,
• building personal boundaries,
• overeating, inability to lose weight on your own,
• bulimia,
• anorexia,
• No strength or energy at all, loss of strength
• Working with crisis situations, divorces, feelings of emptiness, loss of interest and purpose

Children's topics: (problems with children)

• disobedience,
• hysterics,
• children's sleep problems, children's appetite problems (eats a lot, eats little),
• potty training problems,
• children's overexcitability,
• establishing a daily routine,
• frequent illnesses,
• children's protests and reluctance to do anything,
• constant whims,
• adaptation to kindergarten/school,
• reluctance to go to school/kindergarten,
• conflicts with peers,
• problems in education,
• the child fights, bites,
• Toilet related issues (incontinence),
• conflicts on the playground,
• the child constantly whines, cries,
• childhood fears,
• childhood aggression,
• childhood anxiety,
• childhood shyness,
• childhood isolation (no friends, doesn’t know how to make friends),
• hyperactivity,
• low self-esteem in a child,
• no independence, responsibility,
• excess weight (uncontrolled appetite),
• self-doubt,
• co-sleeping with parents
• addiction to cartoons, computer games,
• does not like to read, walk, etc.,
• constantly says "no"
• can't play independently
• does not hear when they say something to him or ask him for something

Working with teenagers:

• relationships with peers,
• teenage crises,
• low self-esteem, reluctance to learn,
• conflicts with parents,
• conflicts with peers,
• misunderstanding with parents
• depressed mood
• dissatisfaction with oneself,
• issues of teenage sexuality and attitudes towards sex,
• influence of bad company,
• alcohol, smoking, drugs,
• excess weight problem,
• lack of motivation, goals,
• hygiene problems,
• prof. orientation,
• computer addiction,
• formation of responsibility, independence, self-sufficiency,
• shyness, touchiness,
• increased aggression

The reason for excitement for many parents can be the moment when their 3-5 year old child has an imaginary friend. They are perplexed: “ Doesn't he see the difference between real people and imaginary ones?” and, undoubtedly, they get scared if suddenly the child declares: “ Be careful! Henry lives here!

Your actions Your friend is imaginary! It's time for you to make real friends. Oh hi Henry! How are you doing? Do you want to bite the apple? Stop making things up! It’s easy to blame everything on fantasy in order to avoid responsibility! When I was a child, I also had a friend who was always with me, protected me, played with me... What's wrong?

Most parents are concerned about the manifestation of such fantasies; they try to rid their children of such fantasies. And the most common thing that mothers and fathers resort to is to forbid the child to communicate with an imaginary friend. But in fact, a child’s belief in Santa Claus or Baba Yaga, about whom fairy tales are told, is not much different from such a fantasy - it’s just that the child comes up with the character himself.

However, an imaginary friend plays an important role in the development of a child's creativity. It helps to cope with many emotional problems. For example, together with an imaginary friend, a child copes with loneliness more easily. For example, when the family moved to another place and it was not yet possible to make new friends in the new yard.

Also, a child may have such a fantasy when a second child appears in the family. An imaginary friend can come to the rescue when a child starts going to kindergarten or troubles start in the family. Sometimes an imaginary friend is not a person, but an animal. This is how a child gets an imaginary four-legged friend if he wants, for example, a dog.

Cause of the problem

An imaginary friend allows you to cope with difficult and uncomfortable situations. In this way, children protect themselves, compensate for something that they cannot cope with on their own.

Sometimes a child can find in his imaginary friend someone with whom he gets along perfectly (especially if the parents are quite strict and demanding). Also, the child in the game can act as a strict parent for his imaginary friend. Or even shift your feelings of guilt onto such a friend, in fear of losing the affection and love of your parents. The stronger the fear, the greater the temptation to blame it on an imaginary friend. Presenting the situation in this way, the child usually states: “It's all Henry" or “Henry told me to do it.”

Solving the problem

If a child has an imaginary friend, the following may cause concern:

o The child has become tense and restless, and his sleep patterns are disrupted.

o The child has become withdrawn.

o The imaginary friend behaves aggressively.

o The child is worried about a quarrel with him and is dependent on him.

In other cases, the appearance of an imaginary friend is not a cause for concern.

• There is no need to scold the child or forbid him to communicate with an imaginary friend. He will still do it, but now secretly from you. Treat it calmly, without much curiosity or panic. This is the next stage in the development of your child’s personality.
• Ask your child about how he met his friend. What kind of person is he - good or evil, what does he like, what do they talk about together, do they have arguments and on what topics.
• Help resolve problems that may lead your child to resort to an imaginary friend. If he moves, help him find friends. Look for a compromise if your child wants a dog. If your baby feels helpless, give him more freedom, praise him more and allow him to realize more of his potential.
• Occasionally, you can give in to your child when he asks you to do something for an imaginary friend. But do not overdo it with concessions, as this reinforces permission to shift blame, including onto an imaginary friend.

Workshop

Remember the stories in which children had fairy-tale friends. What did they do, how did they manifest themselves? Which side of the child do they replace? Think about how you could behave with an imaginary friend in order to improve your relationship with your child, make him stronger, and push him to new behavior.

Conclusion

An imaginary friend is not a deviation or a quirk of a child. This is a common phenomenon of a certain age, which helps to grow up and cope with anxieties and fears.