Oddly enough, but the question “Why doesn’t anyone love me?” occupies high positions in search engine statistics. This question can concern both a teenager during a rather problematic period in life, when there is a great need for love, and an adult, for example, an employee who is faced with misunderstanding and rejection in the team.
Should you blame yourself for something? Should I withdraw into myself even more because I don’t suit someone and don’t get the proper response to my attitude? In fact, it is impossible to please everyone around you. All people are different: just as we are imperfect, so are those who evaluate us. Not everyone thinks about the fact that it is worth loving or at least showing respect/attention to those around you. You need to understand that, first of all, everyone is more focused only on themselves.
So, we live in a world of egoists with their own tastes and preferences, and if you look closely, it turns out that I am the same, therefore I desperately seek this love from others, so I am offended when they don’t love me.
Step to solution #1. Does no one really love me?
Yes, we understand and take seriously that you are on this page looking for an answer to your question. But before we understand the reasons why they don’t like you, let’s still try to honestly figure out whether you really are nobody doesn't like it? Not a single person on this Earth? Or are you just not getting the benefits you deserve only in a certain society?
Many of us have a family, these are either parents, or brothers/sisters, grandparents, for some, maybe all together. There are friends from different periods of life (or were). There are people with whom we cross paths every day. Is there really no one among them who is good-natured towards you? And does everyone really express some kind of negativity towards you and constantly make it clear that you are unloved and not accepted here?
Answering these questions honestly will help someone see that maybe things aren't quite as they seem and that there are people who love you. So, even if, besides these people, there is someone who, as it seems to you, does not love you, the first step to solving the problem is to be grateful for those people who are nearby and love. Encourage yourself to interact with these people and develop these relationships.
Step to solution No. 2. And I... love?
Wait, they don’t like me, we wanted to sort them out! Yes, it's easy to expect things from others. We always want love and attention, and at least simple acceptance and understanding! But... If there are situations in which people are drawn to us on their own, then in most cases it all starts with ourselves. If I am looking for love, then I need to be the first to show this love and attention. “Whoever wants to have friends must be friendly himself” is a simple truth, but it is the basis of any relationship.
Cases may be different, and if you have not been accepted in some society for a long time, and you are quite busy with this, of course, it will be difficult to immediately begin to show friendliness towards them. You may think it looks unnatural. Well, it’s still worth trying to start with the little things. If this is a large team, try to look for an approach first to someone with whom you may be easier than with others. This way you will gradually be able to join the team.
If you meet halfway, but you are not accepted at all, this does not mean that there is something wrong with you. But if most people don't want to communicate with you, it's worth wondering why this might be... What might they not like about you?
10 reasons why people don't like you
Can't stop in time
There are some people who are annoying while trying to be funny. People don't like it when you go too far with your jokes and antics, many simply leave when you start to bore them. You need to know when to stop.
Negative when asked: “How are you?”
I'm sure every adult asked the question "How are you?" Sometimes even more than 20 times a day.
If the answer is positive, people like it. If you start telling a negative story about everyday life, people don't like it. They don’t care whether you are tired or not, that you need to work, that your leg is numb or anything else.
If someone asks while walking: “How are you?”, it is better to answer: “Not bad.” Each of us has problems and difficulties, but we need to be able to keep it to ourselves. The truth is that people will not cry and suffer because of your everyday problems.
You seem unreachable
Your stern, busy appearance or just a focused, gloomy look can tell people that you are closed to communication. No, in fact we hope these words don't describe your look. Try to be in a good mood and make it visible on your face. Interested and smiling eyes, a slight smile - that's enough.
Always making excuses
Just as in the case of answering the question “How are you?”, people do not like it when people make excuses for them.
For example: “Why are you late?” “I was driving a car, and suddenly a deer jumped out onto the road. I slammed on the brakes and drifted to the side of the road. A man was driving nearby, but he couldn’t help because he was taking his pregnant wife to the hospital.” “Why didn’t you call anyone?” - “Oh, yes, I was so shocked that I forgot about my mobile phone. When I remembered, I saw that he was dead. I forgot to charge..."
Stop! Enough! Just say: “I overslept.” Even if you didn’t oversleep, there were other problems, this is not a reason to make long excuses. The bosses don't like it. Friends don't like it. People, in most cases, don't like it. Even if it is your fault, you will be respected for your honesty and candor.
If you think that you will get something from making excuses, you are mistaken, be wiser! People will not be able to trust you, you will notice how they begin to move away from your life.
Think negatively about everything and everyone
People want happiness. To be understood. They want joy. If you talk to someone and only express negativity, you destroy joy, hope and happiness. Who likes this?
We said before that there are annoying, intrusive people. This does not mean that you have to be an opponent, a negative person. Get rid of this, you will become more effective and people will want to be with you.
Your life is what you make it. Become aware of this so that others can accommodate you. Otherwise, don't whine that you don't have friends - look at yourself.
You talk too much
We all know people who can't shut up and encourage others to talk to them. If you talk non-stop and only catch your breath between topics, people won't like you.
People may be polite and nod their heads at you - or they will get bored and stop calling you and avoid you.
When you talk and talk and talk, you may not notice what others want to add to the conversation. Also, you can talk about things that the interlocutors are not interested in. Listening to your interlocutor is still the most important rule of communication.
Your life is a drama
Is there always some drama happening in your life? Is chaos and devastation always on your way or are you confusing things? You can attract attention and be the center of attention for a while. Even if you get some sympathy, people will notice if it happens too often.
Playing out drama is deadly to a relationship, any relationship. Nobody likes drama. Try not to get carried away by dramatizing events.
You are the best
Oddly enough, this is a problem! Let's say you walk up to a group of people at a party and they go silent. Why? Because as history shows, you always get the better of everyone or blame someone who was telling the real story.
People don't like to share their moment of glory. Let them have it. Wait a minute, if you see that people are ready to hear, speak up.
It's not impressive when you try to share someone else's glory. On the contrary, it shows how selfish you are and unable to listen to others. Competing is good, but being always on top is against the rules. Such people are left alone, alone with their ego.
You are the center of the universe
You have a head. You have hair. You have style. You have a figure. You also have better air than others. Maybe at school you could surprise others with this, but now it’s real life. Your arrogance turns people off. Your self-centeredness and self-love will not be respected.
You should express yourself on different levels. This is a sign of respect and understanding of the people around you.
Step to solution #3. Don't expect
The secret of how not to be disappointed is not to be “fascinated”; how to avoid unfulfilled expectations is not to expect!
When you know that some effort has been made on your part, when you know that you are not pushing people away with some serious annoying actions... You just have to leave your expectations, demands and accept reality as it is. Nobody owes anyone anything. No specifically. But a free person like you now will be able to find a person to your liking!
Live now, because life is a moment, yesterday was the past, and tomorrow will never be!
The world doesn't owe you anything, you have everything to live fully. If you want to live in pain the way you want, stew in your own juice. But a person can find true happiness in himself. Only this happiness is not an emotion, but a decision to be happy.
If you want to enjoy life, stop blaming everyone around you. Move forward. Grow up, be a nice person, and your life will sparkle with joyful moments.
If you want to have success in relationships with your employer, family relationships and others, break your habits! Closedness, gloominess and vanity can become an obstacle to a fulfilling life in general. This way you will never be able to win a person's favor. You can help someone who has this problem.
“My child doesn’t like to lose!” - parents often complain to psychologists. Or - “cries because of a bad grade,” “doesn’t know how to compete fairly with children.”
Psychologists have the right to ask: “Whose child likes to lose?” Everyone wants to be the first, everyone dreams of being looked at and admired - and this is normal. Hypersensitivity to lesions is most often taught to us as adults. “You must pass the exam better than Mishka,” “who can score the ball into the opponent’s goal?”, “don’t even tell me about losing,” “you and I have been cramming the poem for the competition for so many days!” Who among us has not given such instructions? Kindergarten teacher: whoever cleans up the dishes after breakfast the fastest will be the one who will build a garage out of the construction set. Teachers at school: the best work in the classroom... There are thousands of such examples. From an early age, a child is ingrained in the idea that everything must be done quickly and be the first, then you will achieve your goal in life. Losing is for the loser. And he suffers from his failures, inevitable in any life.
Since reasonable parents understand that a child must be raised successful, they try to the best of their abilities. Many people at home try to compensate their children for failures in other areas: in board games they give in to the child or even convince a crying child that others competed incorrectly, but he is still great! There was even a time when a dad went to buy his crying son a medal for winning a swimming competition... because his son didn’t win it!
Understanding of their mistakes often comes to parents when the child gets into a new kindergarten (kindergarten, school, transfers to another group) and sees that there are children who study better, run, read poetry, dress the fastest, etc. This means that you need to teach your child not only to win, but also to lose. Train this skill, just as in martial arts one first trains the ability to fall, and only then – to hit.
Negative experience is useful!
Every parent wants to protect their child, protect them from bad luck and troubles. But many are afraid to let the child live his own experience, even if it is not entirely positive. Give your child the opportunity to make his own mistakes! Don't demand that he always be the best, only the first. There is no point in saying that dad is the strongest and most dexterous, and mom was the best student at school. Each person has his own capabilities, abilities, talents, repeating the path of his parents is sometimes impossible, and sometimes it is simply harmful, because each person is unique.
Parents are the first helpers for their children!
Children definitely need to be praised, but deservedly so! If a child has made a beautiful craft, then be happy for him. If the craft was done in a clumsy way just to get away with it, then offer to do it again together. Perhaps this time everything will not work out, but you can praise him for his efforts.
You should not show your child or teenager disappointment in his failures; it is better to support him. Help your child understand, convey an important idea that knowledge is more important than grades, effort is more important than a prize at an exhibition.
If your child is very upset about losing, listen first. Let him cry and complain. Then try to distract, switch attention so that the emotions subside. Come back to the conversation about the loss and the reasons for it later. Perhaps the child needs to study more so that he does not lag behind his classmates, perhaps he does not have sufficient abilities for music and should graduate from music school. Maybe today he was unwell or his rivals were older and stronger opponents. You don't need an assessment, but conclusions.
Now it’s time to “work on mistakes.” After determining the cause, it is necessary to rebuild the strategy and tactics and connect additional resources. Now it’s worth drawing up a program for the future and maybe even writing it down. Ideally, even a primary school student can create a program on their own: “How to prepare for exams next year” or “What to read over the summer.”
Even in childhood, each of us was able to experience and survive loss. At that time, this arrangement of the game seemed unfair to us, brought us to tears, offended us to the core and caused a storm of emotions. However, over time, the situation changed, and most of us realized that winning a game of chance is 90% a matter of chance, and in order to win in various adult games, you need to be properly prepared. Moreover, if the outcome of the struggle is not in our favor, we can make such a situation useful for ourselves or console ourselves with the fact that a negative result is also a result.
Every person becomes an adult, but not everyone can part with their inner child, who has never learned to lose. This makes life very difficult. After all, an adult has to lose in something every day, and if each such situation ends in an explosion of emotions and unpleasant experiences, then life will become simply hell. Therefore, sooner or later, a person who does not know how to lose will have to look for the answer to the question: what to do? How to change the situation and, if not learn to lose, then somehow soften the situation? After all, only a superman can win all the time, and only in numerous Hollywood films.
Reasons for not being able to lose
Before answering the question of what to do if you don’t know how to lose, let’s figure out why this happened.
The first reason for this attitude towards losing is the desire for perfection. As a rule, several people participate in the game. Therefore, it will not be possible to hide your own defeat. At the same time, the loser is most worried about the fact that in this way he will show others his insolvency and incompetence. As a result, a person drives himself into a dead end, convincing himself that he is worse than others, and if this is so, then no one will communicate with the loser.
The reason for this attitude towards losing lies in childhood. Some parents want their children to be perfect and successful. How to achieve this? Yes, just punish for failures and mistakes. The result of such upbringing is that an adult begins to try with all his might to satisfy the need drilled into him to be the best and perfect, to achieve recognition by winning at any cost. For such people, winning a game helps them assert themselves, while losing indicates that they need to prove their own importance again.
The second reason is the desire to keep everything under control. Those who cannot lose equate the game with reality, with a space in which it becomes possible to build their life differently. In addition, every game has rules. This attracts those people who are afraid of the chaos of life.
If most of us consider the game to be a completely safe activity, the result of which can be replayed, then those who do not know how to lose do not realize this. They equate failure in a game with a threat to their life. For them, a loss means a return to unpredictability, chaos, and overall danger. This happens to those who were forced to show independence too early, although they still needed the participation of adults.
How to learn to lose?
To learn how to lose, you need to reclaim your pleasure, change the rules of the game and become an adult.
The game is pleasure, entertainment. Sometimes useful, sometimes not so much. To bring back the fun of the game, you need to figure out which games are most interesting to you, and play those games, feeling the joy of the process, and not the result of the game. At first, you need to choose as partners those people in whom you are completely confident, who do not care whether you win or lose. Their attitude towards you will still not change.
You can also try change the rules of your life. If you used to live by the rule: I get angry when I lose, - then you can now introduce the rule: It's just a game, so I take losing in stride. As a result, you become a winner even if you lose, because you were able to overcome yourself.
And in the end it's time to grow up. A truly adult person derives satisfaction from the fact that he feels like he is the driving force behind his own life. For adults, play is just fun. If this is not the case, then perhaps there are some life conflicts hidden in the game. Then you need to go to a psychotherapist, because suffering cannot be a game. You need to get rid of him.
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During the performance, the athlete is exposed to two states that have opposite directions. This is, firstly, the desire to win, and, secondly, the fear of losing. And, if the second force turns out to be stronger than the first, then, according to the laws of physics, we get the corresponding result. Therefore, in preparation for competitive activity, even at the initial stages, a factor should be taken into account, which we will conditionally call “the factor of accepting a possible loss in a given competition, as an indicator of the need to make changes to the training process.”
Psychologists talk about the existence of a so-called “zone of confidence”, limited by lower and upper thresholds.
Upper threshold determines the maximum number of wins, following one after another, after which the fear of losing sets in. After all, if one win follows another for a sufficiently long time, the thought arises that now a loss is inevitable. In other words, the athlete mentally says to himself: “I’ve already won something five times. Apparently, now I’m definitely going to lose.”
Lower threshold determines the minimum number of losses, following one after another, after which the athlete feels insecure when performing. “We lost twice in a row! We are in a psychological hole! It will be difficult to win!” For one, such fear may occur after two losses in a row, while for another, it doesn’t matter even five.
The smaller the numbers that define these two thresholds, the narrower the zone of confidence. The task of the coach and athlete is to constantly work to expand the zone of confidence. The pattern of functioning of our psyche is such that the fear of winning decreases in proportion to the decrease in the fear of losing, so work on expanding the zone of confidence must begin with changing the lower threshold.
It is necessary to instill in an athlete the courage to lose, i.e., a person must give himself the right to make a mistake. After all, every person makes mistakes, it is impossible to live without it. Perhaps the meaning of our life lies in learning, i.e. it is to learn, where we initially went wrong, to subsequently do the right thing. Negative information, i.e. error information should be used to find the right solution, and not to blame yourself for your inability to do the right thing.
Example: Super class shooters competed in a five-shot series in an experimental shooting competition. During the competition, the first three shots hit the top ten, and then a failure occurred and the shooter hit the nine or eight. When the series was increased to eight shots, the first five shots hit the top ten, and then another failure followed. When the shooters performed in the series “three shots - break - three shots - break - three shots,” almost all the shots were in the ten. It’s as if, after a series of successful hits, the brain begins to doubt its right to be infallible.
It has long been known that all of humanity can be conditionally divided into four groups according to such a criterion as the ratio of the desire to win and the fear of losing. The same ratio holds true in sports. These are the four following types:
1. type A – high ambitions and a high level of fear of failure;
2. type B – high ambitions and low level of fear of failure;
3. type B – modest ambitions and a high level of fear of failure;
4. Type G – modest ambitions and low level of fear of failure.
Athletes with a winning mentality belong to type B. However, here, as elsewhere, the 80:20 law applies, according to which out of 100% (actions, attempts, people, performances), as a rule, 20% “hit the top ten” and the remaining 80% is the general background. Only 20% of competing athletes are Type B. The majority of athletes are Type A people. Accordingly, only one out of five athletes has a winner’s mentality from birth.
The characteristics of these types are clearly manifested in people's behavior. Psychologist Eric Berne has developed a typology according to which people of type A can be classified as so-called “frogs”, and type B people can be classified as “princes”. Let's look at their specific features.
Princes understand that they are unique and accept themselves as they are, i.e. they are authentic. Such people do not need to prove their uniqueness, go out of their way to prove that they are better than others. They simply live their own lives and do not interfere with others living theirs. Princes do not adjust themselves to the requirements and standards of those around them; they are independent and self-sufficient. When thinking about themselves, they pay attention not to their shortcomings, but to their strengths and think about how they can be used effectively. Princes are quite realistic about the limits of their capabilities and knowledge. Like all people, princes can lose from time to time. But losing in no way affects their sense of self-sufficiency and self-respect.
They continue to believe in their ability to achieve the desired result. Princes know themselves and their psychological characteristics well; they do not divide their characteristics into good and bad. All they have is their property, and they only think about how to use this property in the most effective way. Princes are absolutely calm about recognizing certain rights for themselves, but they also recognize the rights of other people. They enjoy their achievements, but do not feel guilty about a mistake, but rather view it as feedback.
Frogs live in a feeling of helplessness and dependence on others. Their favorite phrases are as follows: “I’m never lucky!”, “Only this can happen to me”; they use “but” very often in sentences: “I would have performed well, BUT something prevented me.” They often look for the reason for their failures in the behavior of other people. Often you hear from them a phrase beginning with the words “If only...”. “If only the judging was fair...”, “If only I weren’t so worried before the performance.” Their other favorites are “when...” and “what if.” “We will perform great when this coach leaves and another one comes!”, “I knew that in this situation I had to shoot on goal myself, but what if I shot and missed...”
To such people, everything that happens to them seems dark and frightening, so they are in constant tension and fear. Their strength is spent on experiencing their own failure and bad luck, so they have little strength left to directly participate in the event. Frogs do not know how to analyze what is happening to them, and therefore they never know why they lost. Consequently, they do not have the resources to radically change the situation. Since the frog is afraid of the real world, it builds an illusory world for itself, in which everything happens according to the rules established by the frog. Frogs are in constant doubt. And what could be more destructive to a good result than doubt?
People of this type are constantly concerned about what others will think of them. Therefore, every performance of a frog athlete becomes proof to himself and others of his right to perform, to live, to be better than others, etc., and every loss becomes a real personal catastrophe. In this case, the level of motivation goes through the roof, which negatively affects the performance results. A Type A player is dangerous, especially in team sports, where he not only panics himself, but also infects other team members with his condition. Now a job for a sports psychologist has already appeared...
As a rule, people of type B and type D are almost never found in sports, especially in elite sports.
The learning process is always a process of trial and error. A person always tries to accomplish something, misses, consciously evaluates the degree of deviation and makes appropriate adjustments for the next attempt until he hits the mark. All self-tuning systems accumulate past mistakes, failures, painful and painful episodes in a data bank. This negative experience does not at all hinder the learning process, but promotes it if it is treated properly, namely, not focused on it and considered not as an assessment of the performer’s personality, but as a measure of the degree of mastery of the action.
But the main rule is the following: as soon as an action is learned and practiced, the mistakes made when mastering this action must be forgotten, and only the successful action must be remembered, mentally lingering on them for a long time. For example, for football players this could be regular viewing of the team’s most successful performances, but on an individual basis it is necessary for each player to create a bank of video frames where he is most successful and effective. Every player should have these videos and watch them regularly before training.
If we deliberately constantly return to our mistakes, constantly blame and reprimand ourselves for them, then, against our will, the mistake or failure turns into a goal that is held in the imagination and memory. Memories of past failures can have the most unfavorable impact on today's actions if we endlessly think about them and mentally say: “If I lost yesterday, then I can lose today.”
By the way, it was found that in a state of hypnosis, when people suddenly discover unexpected talents for various types of activities, all their attention is concentrated on achieving a positive goal and there are no memories of past failures, i.e. in a hypnotic state, memory is cleared of past failures.
In order to understand yourself...
1. Determine for yourself the maximum number of losses, one after another, that does not affect your belief in the ability to win the next competition.
2. Determine for yourself the maximum number of consecutive wins, at which you maintain faith in the possibility of winning next time.
3. Determine your zone of confidence and set yourself the task of expanding this zone.
4. Observe how you react to a mistake. Write down the result. Now write down how you would like to react to a mistake. Strive to develop the desired reaction.
5. Determine for yourself your attitude towards Princes and Frogs. What type do you consider yourself to be? What type would you like to belong to? What qualities do you need to develop for this?
