Photo: Tatiana Gladskikh/Rusmediabank.ru
Remarriage is a common phenomenon in our society.Many families are created from halves whose first union broke up. And it seems that now there is everything for complete happiness: a loved one, the desire to create a lasting marriage, the necessary life experience... But, alas, many spouses are haunted by one thing: who is more valuable - second wives or first children?
The most difficult thing in this situation is that they find themselves between a rock and a hard place, often finding themselves in the center of a conflict. Two women, former and current spouses, cannot share a man, his feelings, affections and responsibilities, as well as free time. Each believes that he owes her more, but is this really so?
Psychologists are sure: each of these women in relationships with common man own place. When people decide to divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but at the same time they forever remain each other’s first spouses. Just as you cannot erase the past from your life, you cannot forget about the fact that your husband had a relationship before you. The law of strong family ties, especially when concluding a second marriage, says: the one who came later is obliged to respect the one who came earlier.
This means whether you want it or not, you will have to put up with the presence of your first wife in your man’s life and the presence of common children. Understand that your first spouse does not take your place in family hierarchy, she is in her place, she was before you. So you cannot take her place, since you have your own - at number two. By the way, the number only indicates the order of appearance in a man’s life, and not the significance in his life.
How should the second wife behave correctly towards the first wife and her children?
Tip 1: Don't take away a man's past
This advice seems obvious, but, nevertheless, some women forget about it. It is impossible to love a person partially; love is a feeling that absorbs a partner entirely. If you have entered into a relationship with a man, you must accept his past. Perhaps the character traits that appeal to you in him were brought up by his “ex”. Remember, life experience sometimes matters!
Tip 2: Keep in mind that the first spouse does not owe you anything
It is quite natural that first wives turn to their ex-husband for help in raising children. It doesn’t matter what kind of support is required - moral or material. The first woman has the right to it. And she is not obliged to care about your psychological comfort, to take into account the fact that this is unpleasant for you. She has her own truth, her own goals and her own problems.
Tip 3: Be loyal
To preserve the moral health and well-being of her child, the first wife can communicate with the first husband about the topics of common children. This means: there is nothing wrong with her being his friend in . And it’s absolutely normal that the first wife calls the man on mobile phone and talks about the progress and successes of the offspring. You should not see all this as a way to return him to his previous family. The first wife's goals are different - not to allow anyone to push her children out of the heart of their father. By the way, this goal is noble. Every child has the right to be happy.
Tip 4: Do not limit your time with children from your first marriage
Give a man the right to decide for himself what kind of leisure time his children should have and how long it should last. Ideally, you will all spend it together. It’s good if the attitude towards all children is equal, from the first and from the second wife. When they can visit each other, despite the fact that their mothers are not very friendly. But there are cases when first wives prohibit their children from communicating with the second spouses of their ex-husband and their children. The second spouses have no choice but to accept this fact.
Tip 5: Make friends with children from your first marriage
Pleasant communication and friendly gatherings work wonders. As soon as you begin to perceive your man as a member of the family, your psychological well-being will improve. Jealousy and fear of insufficient attention to your offspring will go away. Everything in life will go its own way. But keep in mind: all this applies only to sincere communication with the child, and not to showering him with gifts on occasion and being forced to spend leisure time together.
Tip 6: Know that a man who refuses to communicate with children from his first marriage is an egoist
Alas, this is true. Moreover, someday he may do the same in relation to you and your common child. Would you like this? We are sure not. So, maybe you shouldn’t tempt fate and demand the impossible from your spouse? A man's strong paternal position towards his children deserves respect.
Tip 7: Enjoy your happiness
Allow yourself to be happy here and now. Don't live in the past! You are married, your chosen one is next to you, perhaps a common child, which means everything is fine. Happiness is where love lives.
May your marriage be strong!
They don’t dream of being a “second” wife since childhood, they don’t plan.
Despite the general opinion that the second wife is a bitch and a homewrecker, a destroyer of the first family, this is not always true.
In general, I believe that it is impossible to take a man away from the family, he is not an animal. Leaving is an independently made decision.
And if the new chosen one is really a bitch, then it means the man himself is to blame for not understanding how he was “bewitched”.
Among the second wives, I want to tell you, there are some good examples.
I wanted to continue, like me. But this somehow turns out to be immodest.
Yes, my husband had a wife. A normal, pretty, quite nice girl.
We don’t know her personally; probably, few people are eager to make such acquaintances.
I won’t describe it for a long time, but it turned out how it turned out. That family broke up and after some time my now husband asked me to date.
He never hid the fact that he has a little daughter from his first marriage. For me it was not easy, sharing a man with a child from a previous relationship, especially with a girl, I must say, is not so easy at all. There were many questions in my head.
I asked all of them at that time to my “boyfriend”, to which I received the answer - we will solve everything, we will sort everything out. I remember the phrase well - “don’t worry, you won’t even notice any difficulties - I can handle everything myself.”
In fact, my husband works a lot and from the very beginning of our relationship, I myself reminded him to buy a gift for his daughter, advised him where to go for a walk and what dress to buy for a matinee in kindergarten.
To be honest, I didn’t really want to meet her. Later, of course, we met.
And here my question is - your attitude to the problem.
Will explain.
I don’t understand these relationships between children and their fathers’ new wives at all.
This is a complete stranger to the child. An incomprehensible aunt, because of whom, according to stories, dad no longer lives with mom.
So what is this communication for?
The child has a mother with whom he lives. There is a father who visits the child, walks, helps, and so on.
So why all these acquaintances and walks together?
Who benefits from this?
Does the status of a “second” wife oblige you to love your husband’s child?
In my opinion, no one owes anyone anything. Sometimes to help and advise - yes.
But not more. This is entirely the responsibility of the man.
Don't you think so?
And catch up.
It is obvious that a man spends holidays and weekends with a child from his first marriage. With a child from his second (current) marriage, he therefore cannot spend this time. I really don’t consider complaints about this from the “current” wives acceptable; they knew what they were getting into.
But the very need for communication, joint walks, etc., in my opinion, is inappropriate.
Your thoughts?
Men and women meet, fall in love, get married, get married, have children. And then they get divorced. This happens and, unfortunately, often. Then, most often, another family appears. But there are children from the first marriage, and usually everyone remains offended as a result of intra-family relationships: wives/husbands from the first marriage, from the second and, of course, children. It happens that children from a first marriage cause the breakup of a second family.
Usually the cause of tension in family relationships is jealousy. The first wife is not too happy when her ex-husband has a new family. In addition, a woman left alone with children worries more about the future - after all, she now needs to raise children alone, and this requires not only mental strength, but also the most banal financial expenses. Children need to be clothed, fed, bought toys, taken care of education (and in Russia, for example, there is already talk that not only higher education, but even secondary education will be paid). Naturally, the ex-wife urgently demands that the father of the children provide his offspring with everything they need. And if the ex-husband is not an alcoholic, not a parasite, and so on, then he is also required to participate in raising children (the mother is not always able to solve educational issues herself, especially when it comes to raising boys - this requires the participation of a man).
Rarely do you come across second wives who are sympathetic to the fact that their husband regularly visits his ex-family. No, many women understand everything - in words, but continue to be jealous, that is, there is no understanding as such. It's all about their lack of confidence self-importance for husband. There is also a fear that ex-wife somehow manages to return “his property” - by manipulating a man, using children as a measure of influence. Such fears are especially strong if the new family does not yet have children. In such a situation, three ways to solve the problem are usually used.
The first way. The second wife categorically forbids her husband to visit the children from his first marriage. She constantly creates scandals, counts every penny her husband spends on the children in addition to mandatory alimony, controls his every move - what if he takes advantage of an hour of free time to visit the children. The path is vicious, leading to the collapse of the new family. A man who rightly believes that he divorced a woman, but not his children, wanting to maintain peace in new family begins to visit the children secretly, hiding money from his new wife in order to be able to help the children. A double life begins: one in the family, the other outside it. It is impossible to call such an existence a normal family.
Often a new wife justifies her behavior by saying that by filing a divorce, the husband has completely abandoned everything that connects him with his first family. She sincerely believes that from the moment of divorce, the children have nothing to do with it (well, except that they are required to pay alimony established by law). Moreover, she distances herself from past life her husband, not wanting to have anything to do with her, and not allowing him to even remember that there once was another wife and, accordingly, children. “Everything is different now!” it is declared almost out loud. - “You need to forget about the past.” However, this past includes not only the abandoned woman, but also children. And it’s difficult for a decent man to forget about this. If he continues to be pushed towards selective sclerosis, his high opinion of his new wife, the love that was the reason for the new marriage, may evaporate. And along with them - the marriage itself.
The second way best described by the words “It doesn’t concern me!” The new family completely distances itself from everything connected with the first marriage, including children. The second wife pretends that her husband simply does not have any other children except the common ones. In the optimal case, an agreement can be reached: once a week the husband visits the children from his first marriage, the wife at this time goes about her business (for example, meets with friends - such an arrangement is very convenient if the husband does not approve of his wife’s friends), and a day is always set which the husband spends with his new family. In the worst case scenario, the second wife simply ignores all her husband’s problems related to children from his first marriage, even refuses to talk about this topic, citing the refusal by the fact that this does not concern her, all these are other people’s problems. And she doesn’t even notice that the category of “strangers” includes not only the problems of her husband’s first family, but also his own, a person who, by definition, should not be a stranger to her. Moreover, the man gradually gets used to the idea that he has a life separate from his family, that his problems are only his own, that he cannot expect support from his family. All this does not at all improve the family situation and only contributes to the separation of spouses from each other.
The third way- friendship. Some wives still manage to either get rid of the feeling of jealousy, or at least hide it more reliably, and try to make friends with their husband’s children from his first marriage. Sometimes men protest against this development of events, wanting to completely separate two lives: the first marriage and the second. But the majority are happy with the fact that they don’t have to hide their love for their children, that they can discuss problems that arise in the family, get advice and support. This path is good, but quite complicated.
Inevitable problems arise: children from the first marriage are not too happy about the appearance of their stepmother, they blame her for losing their father, sometimes even if the first marriage and the second are separated by years (often the first wife supports the children in this opinion, with all her feelings offended woman, fanning hostility towards his father’s new wife and himself).
In addition, it is very difficult to refuse something to a child from a first marriage. After all, an accusation may follow: “This is because you are not my mother! You are a stranger! Attempts at education lead to the phrase: “But mom says that everything is completely wrong!” - and not everyone dares to say that mom can also be wrong, and, moreover, such a statement can cause an outbreak of hostility on the part of the child.
Difficulties are aggravated when the new family has children together. Often children from a first marriage, subconsciously outraged by the appearance of a “stranger” and “competitor,” double their demands, unconsciously trying to deprive their half-brother or sister, to deprive them of something the way this child deprived them of their father. And here not only the stepmother, but also the father finds himself in a difficult situation: refusing the children from their first marriage leads to their opinion: “They don’t love us anymore! Everything goes to him (or her, meaning the child from the second marriage)!” Indulging in unreasonable demands can even lead to financial difficulties in the family.
A woman who has chosen the path of friendship with children from her first marriage experiences constant psychological pressure. After all, she is not allowed to forget for a minute that her husband used to have another family, there are other children who require his love and attention. Sometimes it even seems that this love and attention is taken away from their common children. However, this relationship option turns out to be the most advantageous, even if it is not possible to establish contact with the husband’s children. In the end, the main thing for the second wife is not the fruits of her husband’s first marriage, but her family, and her relationship with her husband is not overshadowed by either secrecy or suspicion. True, in order to follow this path, you need to be convinced of your own value for your husband, of his love. Then it becomes clear that everyone takes their place: the wife is in her place, the children are in theirs, and all this does not intersect. And a man’s love for his own children does not at all diminish his love for his wife.
For those who are not confident in their tolerance (as well as in their value for this man “with a past”), it is better to think carefully before entering into marriage. Well, if the marriage has already been concluded, then you should not blame the man for his love for children, for his desire to provide them with maximum support.
Sometimes it happens that a man, feeling guilty about ex-family, begins to pay too much attention to the children from his first marriage. Children from a second marriage find themselves in secondary roles (motivation – “They already have everything! The main thing is that they have both parents!”). Typically, in this case, children from the second marriage are deprived, because their father may completely stop taking part in upbringing, being convinced that his regular presence in the house is enough.
If such problems arise, or if the second wife begins to feel pathological hostility towards the children from her first marriage, it is better to contact a professional psychologist who deals specifically with family and marriage problems. In the vast majority of cases, after family consultations Jealousy on the part of the second wife and the man’s feelings of guilt go away, and a normal family life is established, not overshadowed by “skeletons in the closet.”
One of the most common problems is the relationship of second wives with children from their first marriage and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot divide a man and his free time. A significant part of the negative emotions goes to the child from the first marriage, since it is he who becomes the bone of discord. Today we will talk about how all participants in the process can build relationships so that children do not suffer from “adult games”, and what needs to be done to save a second marriage.
Everyone has their place
Kirill, 32 years old:
Alena, 25 years old:
Olga, 24 years old:
3. Try to develop and support your second wife’s desire to communicate with your children from your first marriage. It’s good when this communication works out, but you shouldn’t demand great love and treatment of your children as if they were your own. Compliment your wife, celebrate everything successful attempts establish communication with the child;
4 Try to make the relationship “transparent”. Often second wives are jealous of the first, fearing restoration of the relationship, so they try to limit communication with children from the first marriage. It is in your power to convince your new wife that she is now the main woman for you. Being confident that you treat your first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much calmer about both the children and the former wife herself;
The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that it will
GIRLS, THE PROBLEM RAISED IN THE ARTICLE IS NOT SIMPLE)))) SO I ASK YOU TO EXPRESS YOURSELF AS CORRECTLY as possible)))) WITHOUT HURT))))
One of the most common problems is the relationship of second wives with children from their first marriage and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot divide a man and his free time. A significant part of the negative emotions goes to the child from the first marriage, since it is he who becomes the bone of discord. Today we will talk about how all participants in the process can build relationships so that children do not suffer from “adult games”, and what needs to be done to save a second marriage.
Everyone has their place
Kirill, 32 years old:
“I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I, at his request, took to live with me last summer. The first wife married a man whom the child does not accept. At that time I had already married for the second time. My wife is not happy and has now said that if we don’t have our own child, she is leaving. We have been married for two years. I’m afraid that my son will feel useless, and I’m tired of being torn between my child and my wife.”
Alena, 25 years old:
“Our boy is one and a half years old. This is my husband’s second marriage and there is a child from his first marriage, a twelve-year-old girl. We constantly quarrel just because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, cannot say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without reason. It seems to him that I treat his daughter “wrong”; when asked what’s wrong, he remains silent. He works late, leaves early, and on his only day off he demands that I not interfere with him spending time with his daughter, he wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, now I have hysterics. My husband already wants to divorce me because of his first daughter.”
These two letters are a look from different sides on the same problem: tense relationships in the triangle “first wife - second wife - man.” Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of a “family system,” or otherwise, a clan. What is it? The family system is like family tree, if you draw it on paper. It includes:
The man whose system we are drawing;
All his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock;
His parents, their siblings and their families, and grandparents;
Spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love relationships, due to separation from which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or pregnancy was terminated).
So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the diagram drawn (see below), it becomes obvious that everyone has their place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives has her own place in the system. And the common children from their first marriage are also in their place forever. As well as the children from the second marriage, they are in their place.
When talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the definition of “ex-wife”, since in the family system there are no “former” ones; it includes all its members, even the dead. And wives and husbands have places in it: first, second, third. But not as on the podium, but only talking about the order of appearance on it.
When people get divorced, they cease to be husband and wife, but forever remain the first husband and first wife in the family system they share. And they will forever remain the parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who came before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - at number two. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and a woman tries to find herself in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage will sooner or later fall apart.
The same situation applies to children. If a spouse does not respect the children from her first marriage and wants the common children to be “higher” for her man, then this is great pride, which will lead to divorce. The first child will always remain the first. Subsequent children have their own places. Trying to “push” your child into a place that does not belong to him means digging a hole for marriage with your own hands. This is a recommendation for Alena, the heroine of one of our stories. If you want to save your marriage, respect your first wife and eldest child. Let your husband make his own decisions about how much he communicates with her. Some people start to panic when they hear such a recommendation. “Yes, he’ll completely loosen his belt!” He will only spend time there if I don’t restrain him!” - they say. But in reality, everything is completely different. If you try to tie a person, he will try to break free. And the one who is free should not be torn, and the system comes into a comfortable balance: the man is happy to devote time to both the child from his first marriage and his second family.
A man in this situation can be advised to do the following: do not succumb to provocations and manipulations. For example, in the story of Kirill, his wife claims roles that she has no right to occupy. Only a woman's respect for her first wife and first child will make the marriage stable. If not, separation is only a matter of time and patience.
A second marriage is always possible only at the expense of the first. Especially in cases where the relationship that led to the second marriage began during the period of relevance of the first. In order for a new marriage to work out, the spouses need to admit their part of the guilt for the fact that their happiness is possible only at the expense of the first wife and children (as well as at the expense of the first husband, if the woman was also married). Such recognition must develop into respect. Sometimes this is very difficult because the abandoned woman says and does things for which it is difficult to respect her. But you should understand that this is out of despair. At this moment, the second wives and husbands think with relief: “Since she behaves like this, then we are not to blame for anything and it’s right that the divorce happened. Is it possible to live with such a person? But this thought is very dangerous. Respect for the first wife should be maintained, and then sooner or later it will bring its “dividends.”
Olga, 24 years old:
“My boyfriend has been divorced for six months; they have a 1.5-year-old son. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, and helps him financially. I don't mind him and his son dating, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense about what is happening to the child, how he got up and fell, what he chewed, where he crawled. Gets him in every possible way! This irritates me extremely. It seems that when he comes to them, she is more happy for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait for him as long as necessary. It’s as if she’s always trying to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, set us at odds. He consoles me in every possible way, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and doesn’t need anyone else, that I am his ideal. But I still don’t find a place for myself when he’s there.”
So, before us are standard, so to speak, experiences typical of second wives or new girlfriends of men. How to behave towards your first wife and children from your first marriage in order to maintain a relationship with your beloved man?
1. You must accept your husband along with your previous marriages and children from them. The past is such a thing that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, it means that you do not accept him completely (“here I love him, but here I don’t love him”). You knew about your husband's past and are obliged to live taking it into account.
2. It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she doesn’t care about your feelings, she won’t take them into account, and you shouldn’t hope for this for a single minute.
3. If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is guilt that you do not allow yourself to bring to the fore. She is the injured party in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationship. Treat this with responsibility and respect.
4. The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about raising their children. Moreover, they must do this in order to preserve the well-being of children. The first wife has the right to call your home, tell her father what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.
5. Do not limit your spouse’s communication with children from his first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but communication, and not just showering them with gifts, sweets and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the child communicating with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Don't insist or be offended, let your father communicate on his own.
6. Remember that a man who, to please his second wife, stops all communication with his first wife and children is dependent and driven. Someday he may do the same to you. It is much better when a man in his second marriage takes a strong paternal position in relation to the children from his first marriage and knows how to build “civilized” communication with his first wife.
7. If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be in any way more important to him than the first. Often women say: “But now we need you more than he (the first child).” You have no right to demand that they occupy a seat that is already occupied. The first child's place has already been taken, your child has his own place. A father should be able to communicate both with his own children and with your common ones.
Often a child is just an excuse in the struggle between “past” and “present”. The man is in the middle, acting as the “main prize”. Some people enjoy it, but it is generally an extremely uncomfortable role for a man. If the struggle goes beyond reasonable boundaries, the second marriage will be in jeopardy, but the first wife will not score any “points.” And most importantly, children suffer in these relationships - both from the first marriage and from the second.
To build relationships with both women, save your second marriage and the well-being of your children, you can offer men the following tips:
1. Having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although you have ceased to be spouses);
2. Treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation;
3. Try to develop and support your second wife’s desire to communicate with your children from your first marriage. It’s good when this communication works out, but you shouldn’t demand great love and treatment of your children as if they were your own. Give your wife compliments, note all successful attempts to establish communication with your child;
4 Try to make the relationship “transparent”. Often second wives are jealous of the first, fearing restoration of the relationship, so they try to limit communication with children from the first marriage. You have the power to convince new wife is that she is for you now - main woman. Being confident that you treat your first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much calmer about both the children and the former wife herself;
5 you need to understand that the second wife will never treat her husband’s children from his first marriage the same way as her own. This again will be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of a man. In the second wife's family system, her child will be her first, and the man's child will be only a collateral branch from his first marriage;
6. If a child is born in a second marriage, the man often worries whether the first-born will consider himself unnecessary. It is enough to tell him: “You will always be the first for me.” Thus, you will designate his role in the hierarchy of your children, “first” in in this case not a synonym for the word "chief". But it helps the child calm down and feel needed.
All recommendations are based on the systemic phenomenological approach and the method of family constellations by Bert Hellinger. The main thing to understand is that a painful feeling of guilt is disguised as pride and rejection of past relationships. On this occasion, B. Hellinger writes: “New relationships work best if the new partners admit their guilt, and also understand that it is impossible to do without guilt. Then the relationship takes on a different depth, and there are fewer illusions.”
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Of course, you can’t generalize and equate everyone: everyone has their own story. And there are many who were not disappointed in love and did not become afraid of marriage after the first unsuccessful experience, but, having children from their first marriage, decided on a new relationship. The reasons for this are different: some people meet “true love”, while others are simply looking for a second parent for their children.
As a rule, young people enter into a second marriage with greater responsibility, having realized by this time that family life is not only legalized love, but also everyday life, chores, worries and a joint wallet. People who already have children take a second marriage even more seriously.
Alena and Alexey
Alena, when she married Alexey, could not even imagine that his 7-year-old son from his first marriage, Zhenya, would become a “bone of discord” in their family, because until they legalized their relationship, Alena and Zhenya’s relationship was going quite well ...
“I was 25 years old, Lesha was 29. He did not hide from me that he was divorced and had a child. We dated for six months before he introduced me to his son. We became friends with Zhenya, I was glad when Lesha took his son and we The three of us spent time together, the child did not bother us at all. I didn’t pretend to be a mother, I didn’t undertake to raise Zhenya- I thought that I had no right to do this.
Today our daughter is one and a half years old, and our marriage is on the verge of divorce. Zhenya lives with us, and I am raising him. Lesha’s first wife said that since Lesha had arranged his personal life while she was taking care of the child, now it was his turn to take care of him, and she would live for herself and build a new family, although she has not yet met her other half . She takes Zhenya in only when she wants to introduce him to her next beau.
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I am now on maternity leave, raising and caring for Zhenya is also my responsibility. My husband disappears at work. Zhenya doesn’t listen to me, to all my comments he says that I’m not his mother and he doesn’t have to listen to me. My husband responds to all my tears and requests to talk to his son, at best: “Figure it out yourself,” and at worst, he blames me for treating my wife badly. Probably, if we had discussed everything and decided at once, then this situation would not exist now. My husband, as soon as Zhenya began to live with us, had to explain to the child that since I would be involved in his upbringing, he needed to obey me. Now I don’t know what will save our marriage..."
Svetlana and Dmitry
For Svetlana, the opposite situation happened: she divorced her first husband, the child remained with her: “With our first husband, our relationship developed rapidly: love turned our heads, after 7 months we married and began to live together. Soon Kristinka appeared. But how quickly love came, so quickly she left. I looked at my daughter and wondered: how can I love a child so much and not love her father one bit. We divorced without quarrels; the ex did not lay claim to his daughter. I wasn’t looking for love; my goals in life were work and raising a child. I worked half the time at work and had various part-time jobs, devoting every free minute to my daughter. There was no one to expect help from. My daughter introduced me to Dima: while I was choosing something in the store, she walked away from me and took the hand of an unfamiliar man. I still don’t know why she did this: Kristinka, like any child, could “confuse her mother” in the store - she could grab someone else’s aunt by the hand or leg, but this was the first time for her uncle.
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Dima and I dated for two months, then we moved in together: he moved from his three-room apartment to my two-room apartment because I insisted on it. I didn’t want to take my daughter to him. Honestly, at that time I didn’t believe my luck and was very afraid. There were also such thoughts: “But we’ll have a fight, and he’ll kick me and my daughter out! But I don’t want that! It’s better if we kick him out of our apartment!”
Before he moved his things, We discussed all the nuances so that there was complete clarity in our relationship. We agreed that Kristinka would not call him dad, that he would participate in raising her daughter, but would never raise a hand against my daughter for educational purposes, that we would go on vacation with our daughter, and our parents would not interfere in our family life. Last year we celebrated five years since our wedding. I am happy: my daughter has grown up and calls Dima dad, they are very friendly. Our Seryozha is already two months old. And I’m damn pleased when my husband says “our children”!”
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Natalia and Denis
With its history and secret happy marriage Natalya also shared with her second husband:
“A man must understand that he is marrying not just a woman, but a woman with a child. My Denis didn’t listen to anyone when he decided to marry me. Friends and relatives dissuaded me, saying, “Why do you need a trailer?”, “You’ll find a girl without a burden.” But he fell in love not only with me, but also with my children. Divorce does not always mean that children are left without a father. After the divorce, my ex-husband did not abandon the children, but took upon himself certain obligations: to help financially and participate in their upbringing. We agreed that everything controversial issues We will find out in a calm atmosphere and not in front of the children.
In general, I believe that first we need to resolve all issues with ex-husband. Dot the i's. And only then, when you have put things in order with the past, can you begin building a new life and new relationships. I also decided to discuss everything with Denis first, and not follow the lead of love and turn off my mind. Love is love, but family is something else. We agreed that he is not obliged to spend money on my children, he can give gifts when he wants. Denis takes my children for granted: without paternal trepidation, but with the responsibility of an adult, he takes care of them. All instructions and serious conversations are the work of my first husband. Denis does not pay for the children’s education; again, this is the responsibility of their father. But we never had a conversation about children interfering with our marriage. If Denis has a day off, he takes care of the children.
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I know that he will feed them and make sure that the youngest learns her lessons. My ex-husband and my current husband treat each other normally: friendship, of course, is out of the question, but in general everything is calm and quiet. I asked both of them to respect my past and present, and it seems they listened. Now, when I see how Denis treats my children, I understand that I am ready to become a mother of our common children. I am confident in him: he will not abandon us."
Elizaveta and Oleg
Oleg, in order to save his second marriage, had to hold educational conversations more than once with his daughter from his first marriage: “Student time, a beautiful girlfriend... She got pregnant. I didn’t love Lyuba, but it just so happened that I took her down the aisle. Then there was no question could be about having a child out of wedlock. Well, so what? We lived for a year, but we both howled from this. family life. I worked part-time from morning to night, she dropped out of university and stayed at home. There was no trace left of the beautiful girl: she had gained weight and stopped taking care of herself completely. One evening we sat down at the negotiating table. By mutual consent, it was decided to get a divorce.
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Later happened in my life real love, I met the one I wanted to marry - for love! At first, the relationship went well: Lisa and her daughter seemed to become friends, pampering Masha with gifts - either perfume or jewelry. And I was so happy when my daughter asked: “Dad, are you happy with Lisa? Do you love her?” I tell her: “I’m happy, I love you,” and my daughter responds: “Well, since you’re happy, then I’m happy too!”
And then everything changed very suddenly. A couple of days before the wedding, Masha began organizing concerts: she tried to say nasty things to Lisa, then declared that she would not go to the wedding at all. My daughter was still at the wedding, though with such an expression on her face as if she were at my funeral, and not at a wedding!
After the wedding, everything became even worse: every visit of the daughter resulted in a scandal. She reproached Lisa for being a bad housewife and spending too much money... Lisa cried, packed her things and was about to leave. Five times exactly. I begged you to stay. I couldn’t be rude to my daughter, because I always felt guilty that she didn’t grow up in a complete family, and maybe I didn’t give her all the fatherly love and affection that I should have. But I wasn’t ready to lose my loved one either. That’s how we lived: a week or two in perfect harmony with Lisa, then our daughter arrived and screams and tears began again in our house. I tried to talk to my daughter, explaining that I love her and my wife.
In the end, I decided that since my daughter did not want to communicate with Lisa, then it was necessary to limit their communication. I lived with Lisa, and spent time with my daughter separately; she did not come to us. 3 years passed before the daughter came to terms with the fact that her father had a beloved woman. When Lisa became pregnant, Masha herself expressed a desire to come and visit us. Today Masha no longer brings discord into our marriage with Lisa, she sincerely loves her brother and is happy to babysit him. Even though the relationship between Lisa and Masha is not ideal, I still achieved my goal: Masha began to respect my personal life, stopped being jealous of me for Lisa, and no more hysterics and tears in my house!”
According to the National Statistical Committee of the Republic of Belarus, in January-February 2013, compared to the same period last year, the number of registered marriages increased by 21.3%, and the number of divorces decreased by 12.2%. In January-February 2013, there were 535 divorces per 1,000 marriages; in January-February 2012, there were 739 divorces.
What place does a child from his first marriage occupy in a new family?
One of the most common problems is the relationship of second wives with children from their first marriage and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot divide a man and his free time. A significant part of the negative emotions goes to the child from the first marriage, since it is he who becomes the bone of discord.Today we will talk about how all participants in the process can build relationships so that children do not suffer from “adult games”, and what needs to be done to save a second marriage.
Kirill, 32 years old: “I have a seven-year-old son from my first marriage, whom I, at his request, took to live with me last summer. The first wife married a man whom the child does not accept. At that time I had already married for the second time. My wife is not happy and has now said that if we don’t have our own child, she is leaving. We have been married for two years. I’m afraid that my son will feel useless, and I’m tired of being torn between my child and my wife.”
Alena, 25 years old: “Our boy is one and a half years old. This is my husband’s second marriage and there is a child from his first marriage, a twelve-year-old girl. We constantly quarrel just because of her. Reasons: he lives in two families, cannot say goodbye to his first wife, she constantly calls him, with or without reason. It seems to him that I treat his daughter “wrong”; when asked what’s wrong, he remains silent. He works late, leaves early, and on his only day off he demands that I not interfere with him spending time with his daughter, he wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and a husband, now I have hysterics. My husband already wants to divorce me because of his first daughter.”
These two letters are a look from different sides at the same problem: tense relationships in the triangle “first wife - second wife - man.” Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of a “family system,” or otherwise, a clan. What is it? The family system is like a family tree if you draw it on paper. It includes:
The man whose system we are drawing;
all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock;
his parents, their siblings and their families, and grandparents;
spouses (first, second, third), as well as significant love relationships, due to separation from which marriages were formed or in which children were born (or pregnancy was terminated).
Everyone has their place
So, the first and second wives are united by one family system. If you look at the diagram drawn, it becomes obvious that everyone has their own place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives has her own place in the system. And the common children from their first marriage are also in their place forever. As well as the children from the second marriage, they are in their place.
When talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the definition of “ex-wife”, since in the family system there are no “former” ones; it includes all its members, even the dead. And wives and husbands have places in it: first, second, third. But not as on the podium, but only talking about the order of appearance on it.
When people get divorced, they cease to be husband and wife, but forever remain the first husband and first wife in the family system they share. And they will forever remain the parents of their children. The laws of the family system are as follows: the one who came later must respect the one who came before him. This means that the first wife is always in her place. The second wife does not take her place, she has her own place in the system - at number two. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding, and a woman tries to find herself in a place that does not belong to her, the marriage will sooner or later fall apart.
The same situation applies to children. If a spouse does not respect the children from her first marriage and wants the common children to be “higher” for her man, then this is great pride, which will lead to divorce. The first child will always remain the first. Subsequent children have their own places. Trying to “push” your child into a place that does not belong to him means digging a hole for marriage with your own hands. This is a recommendation for Alena, the heroine of one of our stories. If you want to save your marriage, respect your first wife and eldest child. Let your husband make his own decisions about how much he communicates with her. Some people start to panic when they hear such a recommendation. “Yes, he’ll completely loosen his belt!” He will only spend time there if I don’t restrain him!” - they say. But in reality, everything is completely different. If you try to tie a person, he will try to break free. And the one who is free should not be torn, and the system comes into a comfortable balance: the man is happy to devote time to both the child from his first marriage and his second family.
A man in this situation can be advised to do the following: do not succumb to provocations and manipulations. For example, in the story of Kirill, his wife claims roles that she has no right to occupy. Only a woman's respect for her first wife and first child will make the marriage stable. If not, parting is just a matter of time and patience.
A second marriage is always possible only at the expense of the first. Especially in cases where the relationship that led to the second marriage began during the period of relevance of the first. In order for a new marriage to work out, the spouses need to admit their part of the guilt for the fact that their happiness is possible only at the expense of the first wife and children (as well as at the expense of the first husband, if the woman was also married). Such recognition must develop into respect. Sometimes this is very difficult because the abandoned woman says and does things for which it is difficult to respect her. But you should understand that this is out of despair. At this moment, the second wives and husbands think with relief: “Since she behaves like this, then we are not to blame for anything and it’s right that the divorce happened. Is it possible to live with such a person? But this thought is very dangerous. Respect for the first wife should be maintained, and then sooner or later it will bring its “dividends.”
Olga, 24 years old: “My boyfriend has been divorced for six months; they have a 1.5-year-old son. He loves the child very much and comes there every Sunday, plays with him, and helps him financially. I don't mind him and his son dating, but his ex-wife still loves him. She always calls him herself, asks if he will come to them for the weekend, constantly writes him all sorts of nonsense about what is happening to the child, how he got up and fell, what he chewed, where he crawled. Gets him in every possible way! This irritates me extremely. It seems that when he comes to them, she is more happy for herself than for her son. He also says that he will wait for him as long as necessary. It’s as if she’s always trying to find a crack in our relationship and destroy, set us at odds. He consoles me in every possible way, swears that he will never return to her, that he loves only me and doesn’t need anyone else, that I am his ideal. But I still don’t find a place for myself when he’s there.”
So, before us are standard, so to speak, experiences typical of second wives or new girlfriends of men. How to behave towards your first wife and children from your first marriage in order to maintain a relationship with your beloved man?
1. You must accept your husband along with your previous marriages and children from them. The past is such a thing that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, it means that you do not accept him completely (“here I love him, but here I don’t love him”). You knew about your husband's past and are obliged to live taking it into account.
2. It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well-being. She has her own truth, she doesn’t care about your feelings, she won’t take them into account, and you shouldn’t hope for this for a single minute.
3. If you have aggression towards her, then this feeling is guilt that you do not allow yourself to bring to the fore. It is she who is the injured party in this situation. Only at her expense and at the expense of their common child do you build your relationship. Treat this with responsibility and respect.
4. The first wife and your husband have the right to communicate about raising their children. Moreover, they must do this in order to preserve the well-being of children. The first wife has the right to call your home, tell her father what is happening to them, and ask for help if necessary. Be loyal.
5. Do not restrict your spouse from communicating with children from your first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but communication, and not just showering them with gifts, sweets and entertainment. It may be that the first wife will be against the child communicating with you. This is especially true in the first year after a divorce. Don't insist or be offended, let your father communicate on his own.
6. Remember that a man who, to please his second wife, stops all communication with his first wife and children is dependent and driven. Someday he may do the same to you. It is much better when a man in his second marriage takes a strong paternal position in relation to the children from his first marriage and knows how to build “civilized” communication with his first wife.
7. If children are born in your marriage, you should not demand that they be in any way more important to him than the first. Often women say: “But now we need you more than he (the first child).” You have no right to demand that they occupy a seat that is already occupied. The first child's place has already been taken, your child has his own place. A father should be able to communicate both with his own children and with your common ones.
Often a child is just an excuse in the struggle between “past” and “present”. The man is in the middle, acting as the “main prize”. Some people enjoy it, but it is generally an extremely uncomfortable role for a man. If the struggle goes beyond reasonable boundaries, the second marriage will be in jeopardy, but the first wife will not score any “points.” And most importantly, children suffer in these relationships - both from the first marriage and from the second.
To build relationships with both women, save your second marriage and the well-being of your children, you can offer men the following tips:
1. Having entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you and your first wife remain parents (although you have ceased to be spouses).
2. Treat your first wife with respect, no matter what actions she does in the first time after your separation.
3. Try to develop and support your second wife’s desire to communicate with your children from your first marriage. It’s good when this communication works out, but you shouldn’t demand great love and treatment of your children as if they were your own. Give your wife compliments and note all successful attempts to establish communication with your child.
4. Try to make the relationship “transparent”. Often second wives are jealous of the first, fearing restoration of the relationship, so they try to limit communication with children from the first marriage. It is in your power to convince your new wife that she is now the main woman for you. Being confident that you treat your first wife only as the mother of your children, she will be much calmer about both the children and the former wife herself.
5. You need to understand that the second wife will never treat her husband’s children from his first marriage the same way as her own. This again will be an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but on the part of a man. In the second wife's family system, her child will be her first, and the man's child will be only a side branch from his first marriage.
6. If a child is born in a second marriage, the man often worries whether the first-born will consider himself unnecessary. It is enough to tell him: “You will always be the first for me.” Thus, you will indicate his role in the hierarchy of your children; “first” in this case is not a synonym for the word “chief”. But it helps the child calm down and feel needed.
All recommendations are based on the systemic phenomenological approach and the method of family constellations by Bert Hellinger. The main thing to understand is that a painful feeling of guilt is disguised as pride and rejection of past relationships. On this occasion, B. Hellinger writes: “New relationships work best if the new partners admit their guilt, and also understand that it is impossible to do without guilt. Then the relationship takes on a different depth, and there are fewer illusions.”
The second relationship is qualitatively different, but this does not mean that it will be less happy.
//Yulia Vasilkina, “Psychology for every day” No. 5, 2008
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Have you encountered similar problems in your relationship with your spouse’s children from his first marriage and with his first wife? How did you act in this situation? What advice would you give in response to the examples given? Let's discuss it in the comments to the article! You can also discuss this topic with other readers on |
